Do your healthy parents live with you?

Question

My dad is healthy, retired with a good deal of money, young at age 58 but lives with me and my husband and my 3 kids.
He does not "need" to stay with us. He can easliy afford something close to us. We love him dearly but as an adult, you move out of your parents house and you don't expect them to move back in with you - especially since he does not need to be cared for. It puts a strain on our marriage (only 4 years married) because we sometimes have no time to ourselves.
He does not help out with money, groceries or anything but expects me to cook and clean for him. He also sits out back of my house almost every day and just drinks beer - sometimes 12 a day. Now, I have 3 children and this is something that I don't want them exposed to. My dad can't even help babysit if I need to do something because he typically has already had too many beers.
Please help - I don't want to hurt his feelings and I have no idea how to say this to him.

Answer 1

It would be hard to tell your father to move out and there is no easy way to tell him and there is no way to know if his feelings will be hurt or not. However, I do know that if you don't tell your father that he needs to find his own place within ____ days (you decide) that your resentment will continue to grow and grow and you will take it out on everybody and blame it on your father. The reality is, he is quite content with the arrangement but you are not. Unless you tell him, he can't move because he doesn't know that it isn't working for you. If he throws a fit, he will get over it. Deep down, he knows that you and your family should be living alone right now and that he should be in his own place. But, again, it's up to you to tell him and when you do, use "I" statements such as, "Dad, I'm not comfortable with our living arrangements as I feel that it is taking away from my family and we don't have time by ourselves." "I'm sorry if this hurts you as that is not my intent, I love you very much, but we really need to be alone as a family so I am asking that you move out no later than ____ days." "I will be happy to help you look for a suitable apartment and we will help you move and get set up and going." etc. . . Along those lines, you are being honest with him and accepting responsibilty for your own feelings and wishes. You are not wrong for wanting him out but you are wrong for blaming him for something that you have allowed.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Right now you are enabling an alcoholic to sit around and just soak up the suds. It is possible he may be depressed and not seeing the need to do anything for himself. It may be a good idea to take him in for an exam, or set an appointment with his doctor and talk to the doctor yourself.

Yes, it is an abusive situation, and as his overall condition deteriorates because of damage from the alcohol, he will probably get increasingly abusive.

You need to explain that he is disrupting your life and marriage, and give your dad a deadline for moving out of your house. Help him shop for his own house or apartment. Contact a realtor or apartment hunter for him. Do what you have to do to get him out of there.

Answer 3

I guess the question is 'how did he come to live at your house and why?' If it was bc he needed help at the time, explain to him that you will always be a phone call away if he needs you, but that you need to focus on your own family now, and he needs to get on with living his own life. He's using you as a cruch and an excuse to live without responsibility. Stop catering to him, and maybe there won't be such a draw for him to stay.

Answer 4

He's going to leave you a lot of money, so don't worry to much. Ask him to help out with little things around the house, the ease the load off you....

Answer 5

If they have a genetichal problem you got it. 80% chances.