I have seen this difficult situation arise time and again. You are battling serious factors here, the main one being, Smarmy Teen. Even birth parents find this situation cunning and baffling.
I have found that time and patience, lots of it are the key to winning the heart and mind of the Smarmy Teen. Teens are faced with the difficult internal struggle of not wanting to feel isolated, and also loving their sense of alienation and isolation. Somehow, and no one has yet shown an effective set of solutions, but somehow, if you can show the teen that you are always on their side, even if you disagree, that may give you inroads.
Perhaps too, you can think about yourself as a teen. Maybe that might inform your decisions. All in all, being a teen is a lonely and difficult phase, where almost everyone is your enemy.
My very best to you.
2007-08-15 05:15:49
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answer #1
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answered by teacup_trashy 2
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Tell her that you would like to take her to lunch to have a talk. First, apologize for overreacting. Young people appreciate it when an adult admits they made a mistake. It seems that you don't have children and if you dint tell her that you are trying to learn how to be a good step-mother and that it is going to take some effort from both of you. Let her know that you are not trying to replace her mother. Tell her that you want to have a good relationship with her and ask her to just give you a chance. It is obvious that you care about her otherwise you wouldn't be here.
You must know that in the teenage years children are trying to discover their own self and determine what their role is life. They like to be with kids their own age and like to challenge adult authority. Being "disrespectful" is often a test to see how adults will handle a situation. Answer disrespectful actions with firm but respectful actions. "Please don't do that again because it is dangerous" or "Please don't talk to me like that because that is hurtful". Don't judge and don't lose your temper.
If you can get back on decent terms with her then why not host a sleepover at your home? Have her invite 3-4 of her girlfriends, get some pizza, rent a movie and let them have some fun. Extending this olive branch will show her that you care about her and her friends and it is a good way to get back in on good terms with her.
Be patient and respectful yourself and see what happens.
2007-08-15 05:32:14
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answer #2
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answered by Doc Biz 4
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Fifteen is a hard age, she is probably going through alot right now in her own life. In your case you have to have two relationship to work one. You and your husband, and your stepdaughter. I suggest you spend some alone time with her, and get to know what she likes. Make sure she know that she can't run over you. You might want to get the support of her mother also. If that's possible. Just try to understand that she's a teen and probably all confused. Best of Luck
2007-08-15 05:15:20
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answer #3
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answered by melissa g 2
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First of all your husband was right in demanding that she be respectful, but he was wrong in his punishment (to banish her from his life). As her father, he needs to make amends. He needs to invite her to lunch and admit that his punishment was extreme but tell her that he loves her and his first repsonsibility as a father is to instill certain values and guidelines for his daughter, respect being one of them and ask if you all can start anew. After they have repaired their relationship you can start to build one with her. DON'T try to be her friend, you are an authority figure and a parental figure, not a friend, but that doesn't mean you can't have a meaningful relationship with her. Do things with her both as a family unit (you, her father, and her - go to the movies, the park, the mall, out to dinner, family vacations). But do things as a step-mother also, find out foods she likes and make special meals for dad when she is visiting, take her shopping for a new school outfit or a birthday present for her grandma or her mother. Go to lunch and catch a movie. Teenagers have an awful lot to deal with and it probably didn't help her disposition to be banished by her own father - so rectify that situation first and foremost and move forward from there.
You don't need to apologize for anything, so don't. Start the relationship by telling her that you would like to develope a relationship with her and look forward to her being a big sister to any children you may have and that she will always be welcome in your home and by you. Good luck and God Bless.
2007-08-15 05:17:47
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answer #4
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answered by tersey562 6
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Your husband is wrong. If he was still in the house with the child would he put her out at 15 for being disrespectful. No he wouldn't so why would he do that because they are not in the same house. That is like him saying I am not her father because she disrespected me. Gosh some men make me sick. Instead of dealing with the problem they push it away.
Anyway, as for your problem, don't try to be her mother. She has one already. Try to come at her on a different level.
2007-08-15 05:13:08
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answer #5
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answered by thesweetestthings24 5
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Just tell her what you're feeling in your heart, it a great thing that you're willing to overlook the fact that's she been disrespectful and you want to make it work with her.
Invite her for a day out just you and her, take her shooping and have lunch like you mentioned, and tell her that you know this is all new to her and that you want to be her friend, that you love her and want her in your life.
Even if she declines to join you, tell her that the door is always open and that she can talk to you anytime about anything. And this way you'll know that you tried, that you made the effort to patch things uo between you.
2007-08-15 05:17:15
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answer #6
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answered by Anonymous
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talk to her. YOu don't need to apologize for what your husband did. she does need to learn that she can not act like that in your house. There are rules she needs to follow. Just keep the lines of communication open. See if her mom can help you in any way. All you can so is show her you love her and will always be there for her and that she is part of your family. don't try to buy her love..it will only backfire on you and she will see you as one who always buys her things especially if she is rude..just to keep her happy. It is a very fine line to walk and a slow process..it may take some time but be patient and don't ever give up.
2007-08-15 06:16:13
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answer #7
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answered by chris d 3
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tough situation, i have a step-son almost the same thing. i would call her and ask if she would like to go out to lunch just the two of you. tell her you feel bad about they way things were left and would like to start new. if she doesn't apologize dont get upset you cant change her. just enjoy her for what and who she is. sometimes things come out the wrong way and we blow it all out of proportion. listen to what she has to say, or what she is trying to say. you know it's hard for her too. try to put yourself into her place she must feel second best, not as loved as she wants to be. don't be wishy-washy be nice but stern. invite her to come back over and rules are rules they need to be followed it's about respect. everyone needs to show each other respect. good luck you can do it.
2007-08-15 05:20:12
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answer #8
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answered by sassy 3
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first appologize
If she has a mother and her mother is involved in her life, then you can try being her friend, but it may take awhile. Be patient and understanding. Change is hard for a teenager and being a teenager is not the easiest thing in the world. Give her some time. She will come around.
If she doesn't have her mother in her life, she needs one and that is your job now. Do not try and be her friend. She needs a mother more.
2007-08-15 05:13:57
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answer #9
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answered by blue eyes 5
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I went through this same thing with my step mom. She might just be mad at you becasue she thinks your trying to take her dad away from her. Thats they way I felt. I think you should say your sorry and you think that was a little harsh of her dad. Take her out for a girls day. Make it fun and in no time she will be your frined. Just dont push it to much becasue she might not be willing at first.
2007-08-15 05:15:04
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answer #10
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answered by Anonymous
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