parents just don't understand?

Question

My parents just found out that my boyfriends father is in prison. This has lead them to make some hurtful remarks. They constantly belittle him because of this fact.
Brad is seventeen and trying to get on with the rest of his life. He has big plans. He says that in college he wants to major in criminal law. He wants to become an attorney.
He understands that his father isn't perfect. He understands that his father had to go away to pay for the mistakes that he made. He has not let his father's situation influence his career choice.
But my parents just don't see the good in Brad. They treat him as if he is to pay for his father's mistakes. They are always saying "like father, like son.
All I want is for them to see Brad for what he is. I have tried telling them that Brad has plans for after he graduates but they don't want to hear that. I feel as if they are judging Brad based on the mistakes his father has made.
How do I get them to see Brad for who and what he really is?

Answer 1

Parent here....

Despite what the first 2 answers say, parents DO understand.

But sometimes we understand better than teens do, because we've seen things that teens haven't, and we have more experience and judgment than teens.

Maybe your parents are being close-minded. Maybe they are judging the situation without really looking at it.

Or maybe they see things in Brad that you don't see because you're blinded by the fact that he's your boyfriend, or that you ignore the parts of his personality that you don't want to see or acknowledge. It's easy to say, "I have big plans to become this or that", but actually doing so is quite different.

I have two bits of advice:

First, sit down with your parents, and talk with them about Brad. Ask them why they think he's not trustworthy. Ask them to be open, and to give you reasons for their opinions. Do your very best to discuss this openly and honestly, even if you don't like what they say. If you get defensive, they will, too, and the conversation will go nowhere.

Second, examine your relationship with Brad very closely and critically. For example, does he try to isolate you from your family, or keep you from associating with your friends? Is he controlling and manipulative? Does he say things like, "If you love me or believe me, you'll do...." whatever he wants you to do? Does he belittle you, or make fun of you? Does he borrow money, and never repay?

Or...

Does he study hard, and get good grades, so he can get into college? Does he have a job, and earn an income to help pay for college and his own expenses? Does he support you, and help you, and praise you, to build up your self-esteem? Does he get along well with his family, and with your friends? Does he keep his word when he makes a promise?




These are just some of the questions YOU have to ask, and to answer yourself. Listen to what your parents say when you talk to them, and see if you get more questions like this from what they say. In the end, you have to use these answers and decide who's right.

One other thing: If you find yourself thinking that "None of them understand him like I do", or "They don't know him like I do", or "I know that I can change him and make him better", you should know that these are huge, glow-in-the-dark red flags that YOU are not facing facts about Brad.

Oh, one other thing - if you're having sex with him, DON'T GET PREGNANT, whatever you do. If you decide he's not Prince Charming, you'll be tied to him still for the next 20 years.

Answer 2

They are just looking out for you..Most of the time Parents are generally right..Just try to get Brad to spend more time with your family, maybe they will come around, but if you see any signs of his father in him, just get out of the relationship now. He may be putting on a show and tell!!!

Answer 3

1. make sure your parents spend a lot more time with brad to see who he really is - not just you telling them. have brad invite them and cook dinner for them. plan activities with brad and your parents (to the lake, family bbq, whatever)
2. stop trying to convince your parents to change their mind. over time they will come to see who brad really is
3. when they say mean things, try to understand instead of getting hurt and upset. they are worried about you. use reflective listening to understand what's under the mean comments
4. mainly get brad and your parents to spend a lot more time together and get to know each other, developing their own relatinship. They can hear how realistic brad's plans are for college etc. (ie how he will pay for it).
remember, this is normal.

Answer 4

Well you know it will be an on going fight between you guys. Your best bet is to ignore them when they start saying stuff about Brad. If you continue to argue with them they know they are getting under your skin. If you just stand there and let them say untrue things and you don't respond to them it will be then that they realize that they can no longer get to you. Have you ever heard of sticks and stones...They are parents remember that, they are just doing what every parent does...

Answer 5

The best way is probably for your parents to have a talk with your boyfriend. Allow your parents to sympathize with Brad, and try to get them to understand his present situation. Furthermore, Brad should also understand your parents' judgments. You must also express your own views about this and show your parents that he is worth you.

Answer 6

You don't say if your parents are Christians or not, but this is not very Christian-like behavior. Jesus didn't judge people because of where they lived or even what nationality they were, your parents should remember that. The best you can do is periodically remind them that Brad is Brad, no his father and they need to get to know Brad, sit and talk to him about his ambitions for life, his plans to accomplish his goals, etc. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 7

i have had a very similar experience with my boyfriend too.. honestly u have to look at it from their point of view.. you are their baby.. they feel like the only want the best for you.. they feel like with all their experiences in life that they know whats best because they have seen the patterns and seen how the world works.. this doesnt mean that they are always right because often times theyre wrong..they are going to pre-judge and over analyze because in their minds they are protecting you.. the best thing for u to do is to continue to talk positively about Brad and bring him to family functions and gatherings.. have him go to dinner with you all one night and let him dazzle them with him great conversation and ambitions.. they have to see that he is a great guy.. u just telling them isnt going to do it.. once they can see it through his own actions and his own words then i think things will get a little better...


good luck ;)

Answer 8

It will take some time, and brad will have to be the best person that he can be until they come around. They are just looking out for what is best for you...they love you and they don't want to see you get hurt.

Answer 9

You're parents sound as if they have judged your boyfriend based on his father. Sit them down along with your boyfriend and let them get this all out in the open as to why his father is in prision and also that he will be going to college and not prision - just because his dad did something wrong, doesn't mean the son will too. If they still don't stop - tell them to go to hell and you are going to marry him.

That should stop it.

Answer 10

Children suffer the sins of their fathers. I'm sorry your parents are so small minded and are not able to give this guy a chance. I would quit trying to explain yourself to them or even bother to defend him. His actions will speak a whole lot louder then any words you are he say in his defense.

Continue to believe in him and encourage him and when your parents get on one of their "he's no good" kicks, just walk away and find something else to do.

Good luck.