parents loing there home , should I feel guilty ??

Question

I am 31 yrs. old and getting married 8-15-07 , my parents are losing there home , I have belled them out before. They spend on other things. Should I give them the little I have saved, and should I feel guilty about having a nice wedding?? Im happy for once in my life........

Answer 1

Don't know the full story. You make it sound like they are deadbeats, but there may be other things happening we don't know (illness, lost job, etc). Personally, I would feel guilty. A nice wedding is irrelevent. What you will remember later is that you were having a big party while your parents were being put out on the street. Yes, they have dug their own hole, and you've bailed them out before, but at least part of it was dug in support of you the first 18 yrs of your life. And you will feel guilty, carry this into your new marriage, and expect your spouse to understand or help bail them out later. I'd get married at the justice of the peace with no reception, and give them enough of my savings to get them out of foreclosure. Then I'd get them to credit counseling. If it's too much house, I'd help them sell and downsize to something they could afford. If it is something I hope to some day inherit, I'd make the payments for them, or at least help with payments and upkeep. Just my personal feelings, but I think as adult children we should all be responsible for our parents and help out with what we can, when we can. They made huge sacrifices for us.

Answer 2

You should feel sorrow for them, but, not real guilt; for you did not cause their situation, did you?

Or, did this all start because of some health issues, or that they took out a second mortgage a decade ago to help you pay for school, or such; hmmm??

Suggest that they sell the home before it is forclosed on, and help them as much as you feel able to right now, both emotionally and physically; without feeling used.

But, always remember, these peoples chose to give you life; you can never repay that gift, and, starting your new life with such a situation is really not a good idea.

You say you are happy, for once in your life; so, if this is a toxic relationship you may be better to cut the ties that bind now, either way, discuss this with your soon-to-be-wife too.

I will also admit, I have very little empathy for those that bought some greedy McMansion (400K+) a few years ago; those that now find themselves unable to pay for it.

Answer 3

Please don't feel guilty or obligated to bail out your parents. They are grown and know full well what their financial status is. If this had been a letter from a parent talking about a child there would be no doubt that the answer would be to let them learn their own lessons the hard way...I say the same should be so for the adults. Have a wonderful wedding and a happy guilt-free life!!

Answer 4

Please don't feel guilty. You have bailed them out before. If you keep bailing them out, they'll never learn to take care of themselves. (Gosh, who is the parent here? You.)

They are plenty old enough to be responsible. In fact, it is amazing that you turned out to be so self-reliant and responsible.

You are an adult and need to make your own way in this world. You deserve a nice wedding and happiness. Traditionally, your father should be footing the bill for your wedding anyway!

I'm all for sticking together with family and helping each other out, but in this case, if you help them further, you will be enabling their irresponsible habits. The best thing you can do for them is not to give them more money so they can develop new habits.

When they whine and complain about their finances, you can listen...maybe even offer advice...but your giving them money will not solve their problems...it will be a temporary fix that robs you of your own well-deserved life.

Congrats on the marriage and your happiness. Really, don't feel guilty.

Answer 5

Luckily you didn't inherit your parents' financial irresponsibility. It would be different if they were losing it through no fault of their own. However, you have bailed them out in the past and it is apparent that they cannot afford that home while buying other things. They may lose their home but now they will hopefully find a place they can afford. If you bail them out again it will just happen again. Let them deal with their problems and you just focus on your special day. Good luck on your pending nuptials (Remember: the key to a successful marriage is compromise).

Answer 6

You should always help others if you can, especially your parents; but sometimes we are not helping people when we think we are. From what you say, you can't really help them, you can only bail them out again until the next time. If you really want to help them; direct them to counseling; financial or otherwise.
You're getting married and need to realize you have to put your spouse first. Don't let feelings of guilt about your parents ruin your marriage before it has a chance.

Answer 7

Technically you should not feel guilty because they did not budget properly.

However, since they are your parents you are going to feel guilty if you do not help them.

In stead of giving them money, you can help them in other way. Give them a good advice and show that you care. Maybe they can downsize their house, sell their cars... I would not give money, but sit down with the parents and explore their options. Maybe they do not even know they exist.

Answer 8

It sounds as if your parents are irresponsible if you have had to bale them out in the past. There are times that things happen beyond ones control but in this case it just sounds like priorities out of line.

Have the wedding of your life & be Happy. If you gave them your savings, in short order they'd be back for another handout in the same predicament. Spend it on yourself!!!!

Congratulations on your wedding.

Answer 9

No, keep your money. You worked hard for it and they sound a little irresponsible. They are probably about at the age where they don't want to take care of things (eg. the lawn, home maint., etc) so it may be good for them to rent and have someone else do the maintenance. Congrats on the marriage!!!

Answer 10

The best way to help them is to let them suffer the consequences of their poor decisions. By bailing them out, you have continued to feed their childishness as they know in the back of their mind that should they get in trouble financially by being irresponsible, you'll come running to the rescue.

That's not helping them. Telling them no, you won't be able to help them financially anymore is the best thing you can do for them. The right thing is usually the hardest.

Good luck.