Am i right 2 do this 2 my dad?

Question

1st of all I just want 2 say that I love my dad more than anything, & that I wouldn’t be posting this if it wasn’t affecting my future.

I’m 24 yrs old, living with my parents (tradition where I live), & have been working in a good company for the past 9 months which give me a good salary. when I started I made a chart dividing my paycheck into : saving, house expenses, my little brother's allowance, taxi fees (I don’t drive), & a little bit left 4 me. I planned 2 save abou60% of every paycheck till I have enough money 2 be able 2 get my masters degree.

My problem is my dad. He has his own business, which at a lot of times gets hard & he had 2 borrow money from people 2 keep it going. He has even done this 2 our money (my mother's, brother, mine, even my kid sister's allowance), & he NEVER gave any of it back. there were times I had 2 give him my birthday / christmas money, & I don’t remember a time when I had any money more than a month before he took it from me or my siblings.

Yesterday he asked me again & now the amount left my bank account is pathetic, u would never know I had a good paying job. My mother has told me several times 2 tell him that I had no money in my account so he wont take it all, but I cant do it. just the past month he took from me more than 15,000 $, & then asked my mom how come I didn’t have anymore money in my account & where it all went (I don’t even remember the last time I bought something 4 me). He hasn’t even given me any of my bank statements that reach his PO Box.

I’m planning 2 go 2 the bank, change the PO box 2 the one of my office, then open a new secret account to transfer the 60% (the money I’m saving 2 college) 2 it at the beginning of each month. I should have had half of the cost of college by now if he wasn’t taking ALL the money from me, my siblings & my mother, we do have times where there is NO money at home.

Am I doing the right thing? Or am I being selfish?

i CANT move out, where i live, girls live with their families till they get married, so thats not an option.

Answer 1

Youre doing the right thing. If he keeps stealing your money you will never go back to get your degree. He is the selfish one and what kind of a father takes money from his own children? That is so very wrong.

Answer 2

Those are 2 different questions.

1. You are definately not being selfish at all. You deserve every penny (minus house costs) of your own hard earned money.

2. Are you doing the right thing? Well, yes and no. It is never good to lie and be deceptive. Instead, use your good brain that is obtaining a master's degree, and find a way to sit down with him one on one and explain that you can NOT loan him money any more.

3. Another positive strategy is this: Put the choice back on him, instead of all the pressure on you to come through for him. How? Make him a deal. You will loan him money one more time, IF he pays you back within some time frame. IF he does NOT, then you can no longer loan him money, dad or no dad. This way, the responsibility falls on HIS shoulders, not yours. If you don't give him money anymore, both you and him (and others as a witness) will know it was him, not you.

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Answer 3

I can see this is quite tricky for you, but in the end it boils down to what you want to do. I'm not going to tell you what you should do, just what I would do, or a possible way to treat the problem.

You say your dad has his own business, well first of all, that means he should be generating money, not taking it. Anywhere you look, you'll see that starting, and running a business is hard. You REALLY have to know what your doing. In many ways it is one of the biggest financial risks you can take, therefore there is lots that could go wrong and ruin you.

If your dad keeps asking for money, it probably means that he and his business are struggling immensly. You should advise him that perhaps he should quit while he's ahead, and possibly find something else he enjoys doing and make a career from that.

As far as your concerned, you're young, and want to go to college. You realise that perhaps your parents might not be able to afford all of the course, so you are trying to raise funds yourself, which in itself is very kind and not as you put it 'selfish'.

The fact that your dad keeps taking everything away from not only you, but also your family, is not encouraging. It means more or less, that he is grounding you. You earn your own money, and have dreams and ambitions like everyone else does, even your dad. He probably doesn't realise what he is asking of you, not only for money, but also for your dreams and your life.

I know it may seem crude, but you should tell him that you can't afford to pay for his bussiness (basically that's what your doing) and have your own life. Explain to him that your 24 now and need to move on, and start making a mark on the world. Lets face it, if you and your family keep paying for your dads declining business, you'll never break free of the cycle.

That's my view on things, I'm no expert and I don't know you'r dad, so he might not react well, but it's worth a try - and remember this is YOUR life, not you dad's.

Answer 4

OK, first you need to realise you are not the parent here. Do you pay rent for living at home? If so then you are not obligated to help him.
What I would do, is go to your bank and get copies of your statements from the last several months so you can highlight how much you are actually giving to your dad for your business.
Then once you have all your facts then I would sit down with both your parents and then explain logically what is the problem. Try to stay calm and not let emotions get in the way.
Explain your goals about getting your Masters etc and how you cannot continue being an ATM for him.
Perhaps, your dad doesn't realise just how much of a drain his business is. It's time for him to face some hard truths and perhaps sell his company, find a partner etc.
Good luck!

Answer 5

As long as you live under your parents roof you will have an obligation to assist in any you can. The best thing you can do is follow this formula: Save some, spend some on yourself, and give some away. The giving away could be your dad's business needs. The amount you designate to each category is your choice. Maybe you want to set aside a savings account strictly for your dad when he needs it. Then you can say honestly this is all I have for you when he asks. . But at the same time you are laying some aside for your own future and having some to reward yourself for working so hard. That is necessary. Good luck.

Answer 6

Your not being selfish, your being rigth. You have to live and you can put some money in the old account as not to give way to your father that you have money. The rest I would put in my secret account and put the account in my new p o box and not have anything come to the house that connects me to the new account and as soon as I would be able to, I would move into my own place and therefore not having to feel obligated to give my father anything more than hand instead of a hand out. It sounds as though your father is taking advantage of you all and that he is not a good money manager because his business should be growing and producing and there should not be a need for him to take from you and your siblings. Your father could be squandering money needlessly because he knows he has a unlimited supply in you all.

Answer 7

I have to ask what he's doing with the money. Is he using it to feed the family & keep a roof over your heads, or is he taking it to gamble and drink?

If it's for the family, I think you might have to divide your money a little more and do more to help provide for them, if his business isn't successful enough. But you should also put aside money for yourself, too. Can you get savings bonds, or some other investment (CDs, money market account), where the money isn't quite so "liquid" and easy to grab?

If he's wasting the money, then yes, hide all your money in another account, and leave just a few dollars in the account he knows about. Or as much as you are comfortable giving him.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Oh my goodness this is awful. He is totally using your whole family! I would figure out a way to move out. This will continue, he will figure out a way to get your money no matter what if you stay there. I know it will be hard at first but just make that break before it is too late!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My dad did the same thing to me years ago sort of, not to the degree you are going through. My dad demanded more and more money from me but he would not let me be an adult! I finally moved out and became dependent, it was the best thing I have ever done looking back.

Answer 9

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Your dad may fundamentally be a good person, but what he's doing is wrong. He is not only abusing your relationship with him, but he is committing a crime (stealing from you) to keep his business afloat. Not only is this destroying your trust, but it is destined to fail. When the pennies he can steal from his children are gone, the business will still fail and he'll have that much more mess to clean up.

You would be helping your father at this point by removing from him the temptation of your money. Definitely change and hide your accounts to make it impossible for him to take your funds. I don't agree that you should lie to him, though.......tell him the truth: "Dad, I can't afford to support your business and I don't want you taking my money anymore." Period. He may be angry but underneath I think he'll appreciate the fact that you're doing what's right. Even if he doesn't, though, it's the right thing to do.

It sounds like he's desperate and trying more and more desperate measures to avoid what's coming. Why not suggest that he seek the advice of a credit counselor or lawyer who might be able to help him recoup his losses and start fresh? Or ask him if he might want to consider personal counseling for his stress? If you really want to help try to save the business, offer to work for him or contribute your efforts and your thinking to the project. If he refuses, that's his choice, but you'll know you tried.

But under no circumstances should you continue to make your money available to him. Work with your mom to make sure this doesn't happen anymore.

Good luck!!

Answer 10

I realize that there may be cultural difference where you live. So please keep in mind that my advice comes to you from the USA.

You are an adult, working a job, earning your own money. You should put your money in a place where no one but YOU can access it. You should also have your own PO Box (forget using the one at work) for your own mail to come to.

With that said, on occassion, please consider giving your Mom a little spending money of her own so that she can get things she needs.

Now, I know you say that your Dad has a business. But he is running through a lot of money and seems very "sneaky" about taking it. That sends up red flags to me (could be the cultural differences again) for a possible drug or gambling problem.