Stopping smoking and issue with mother?

Question

After being a smoker for 21 yrs, I have been on NRT for the past 6 weeks. Still smoking but cut down 75% and no smoking in the house either.
However, my mum came to visit yesterday, refused to stand outside, swore at my kids and has stunk my whole house out. She walked out today without even saying goodbye! I told her she was selfish for not respecting my wishes, but she left me a 'terse' note on my table saying thanks for my unhospitality!
How would you guys react to this?

I'd also like to add that I told her 4 times not to smoke in my house. After the ashtray had been taken away, I caught her smoking in the toilet!

Answer 1

thats a difficult one, your mum should not have smoked in your house and in front of your kids, ive just given up smoking and for one its hard enough to quit without the temptation of someone else smoking, there was no need for her to swear at your kids, and in my opinion she was very selfish, the big problem is that she is your mum and you dont want to hurt her or loose contact, in future why not meet up somewhere? you cant smoke anywhere now and you can still have your relationship with your mum, vice versa, why not meet at a park or something so she can still smoke, eventually u will both get fed up with meeting so maybe she will respect your wishes and come to your house without smoking?

Answer 2

I sympathise very deeply with you! I'm a non-smoker (the only one in my family), and it's absolute Purgatory when my mother comes to visit. I have a no-smoking rule in the house, and she's the only one who ignores it, her reason being, "I'm your mother - I can do what I like". The whole house stinks of smoke afterwards, and it sticks to everything. Even my little kitties end up smelling of smoke, and one of them has bronchial problems due to a heart murmur, so cigarette smoke is definitely not good. I wouldn't mind so much if she at least made the effort to go outside and smoke in the garden - but she won't do that, either.

Anyway, sorry - that was a bit of a rant! But, I think I'd react in a similar way to you. What your mother is doing is out of order. After all, it's your house, not hers, and therefore your rules apply. If you were in her house, you wouldn't start trashing the place just because you could, would you? And swearing at your children is plain bad manners. The note is the icing on the cake, though. I'd have this out with her, trying to be as reasonable as possible, and finding out why she's so disgruntled that you're imposing a few ground rules. Best of luck - I hope you have more luck than I've had with mine!

Answer 3

I agree with Tigger. Best to ignore it or you'll have extra stress to deal with that you certainly don't need at the moment. She shouldn't have smoked in your house against your wishes - but she is your mum after all - which makes life difficult. Best not to make a big issue out of it. If she happens to mention this argument you've just had then tell her she wasn't helping you at all while you are trying to give up but say you understand her desperate need for a cigarette having once been a smoker yourself. You'd rather she didn't do it in the house, but if she must...... Then it's up to her whether she smokes in your house or not. If she still decides to smoke, move her into the kitchen and ostentatiously give her an ashtray. Then you can waft her smoke out the back door once she's finished. It'll at least keep the smell to one room. I think if you don't confront her about it and appear to go half way with her on the subject of HER smoking, she may well respond by keeping to one spot and maybe even going outside of her own accord. There's nothing so bad as a reformed smoker laying down the law. It makes other smokers feel rotten and guilty. If she does go outside of her own accord - or sticks to one place - give her loads of thanks/praise for doing it. (A dish of vinegar left overnight takes away the smell.)
Well done by the way with your cutting down. You're doing the right thing. Keep up the good work.

Answer 4

That's tough. I'm a non-smoker, but my mother smoked. It was really too hard for me to ask her not to smoke in my house. I didn't even own ashtrays.

I suggest you have a sit down with your mom and talk about this rationally. It's possible she's jealous of your ability to cut back on smoking. Just let her know how important this health issue is to you -- that you don't want to or mean to be rude to her, but that you really need her support and understanding. Tell her that you love her.

Getting angry only makes the situation worse. She's your mom. Work on getting this situation fixed and you'll both be happier.

Congrats on the smoking decrease! That's amazing!

Answer 5

Not only did she smoke in your house, while you are trying to quit, but she tried to put you on a guilt trip as well? She should feel ashamed. Don't let it get to you. Tell her you would love to have her back to visit but only when she is willing to treat you as an adult and abide by your rules. I'll bet if she had a friend who had these same rules, she would not have been so rude. She shouldn't be able to disrespect you like that simply because you are her daughter.

Answer 6

your mother is obviously used to smoking with you and in your home, and now is resentful.

personally, i don't even smoke around people who are non-smokers, let alone smoke in their homes....

congratulations on your progress, also!

your mom is immature and self-serving. i don't see what is wrong with smoking outside, but apparently she has an issue with it.

i suppose this will come up in conversation between the two of you after she gets over her little fit. simply let her know that you are quitting smoking and you've changed your policy about smoking in the home.. you expect her to abide by your decision.

if she doesn't want to smoke outside, then i suppose she will have to stay home... she's being rather silly.

Answer 7

Ignore it
Well done for not smoking
Im so impressed
been in the same situation and still on the nicotine gum three years on
wow Im just so impressed
try patches and the gum 4mg it really works!!!
Good health to you
Your mom has issues
dont let them rub off on you
Ignore her and when she's calmer she'll understand that you need to be respected

Answer 8

My brother, and myself are both ... erm ... smokers but my mum never has. We both stand in the garden at my mums house, for her sake. MY daughter WAS smoking so her husband, My brother and i all stand outdoors for our ciggies.

Its not fair for your mum to ignore your house rules. You havent stopped for a reason unknown to her, she must understand WHY you have tried stopping. There are enough reasons to stop these days and I am proud of you for trying so hard.

Well done, my friend.

as for swearing at your kids, thats NOT on at all.

Answer 9

I'm a smoker and I would not dream of smoking in your house or even mine, surely it would not hurt her to smoke outside. My MIL once walked into my house with a lit cigeratte in her hand and I told her off too!

Answer 10

I smoke but never in the house and when smoking visitors come,they also smoke outside.. My house,my rules..You should make it clear to your mother that her behaviour is unacceptable,both disregarding house rules and swearing at your children...