Anger Management, my boyfriend has serious issues and refuses to get help?

Question

Okay here's the stats: I'm 41, divorced 16 years, 2 kids (ages 21 & 18), 18 year old son still lives at home.
My son works pt at Taco Bell, didn't graduate and is pretty much having fun this summer, negecting his pets and responsibilites around the house.
I work 45 hrs a week, take care of the house and pets, and cater to the men in my life. For the most part, I like to keep up the house and cook meals, some help would be nice without me making a fuss about it.
My boyfriend (of 2 years), he works a hot job (welder), he would rather sleep or watch TV then do housework. He has no children, he's had very spotty relationships up until he met me. Apparently, I am the longest relationship he's ever had.
He has anger issues that at first scared me, but since he knows he has this issue, and refuses to get help (I've even offered to go with) I'm not scared of it, I am angry that he will not get help.

Last night my son and I got into a heated arguement because he hasn't been home in days, failed summer school. My boyfriend jumps into the conversation with an attitude because my son was yelling. Next thing I know, my son throws a can of soda in the air, my boyfriend grabs it, and throws it at my son (didn't hit him) in fact my boyfriend said, I was aiming for his legs. My son tries to leave the house, I tell him no, this is all rediculous, my boyfriend was all fired up and I had to hold him back, my son leaves the house and when he did, he punched my boyfriends truck (it's a rust bucket) and my boyfriend goes ape and chases after him down the block. He didn't catch him, but was yelling at him telling him to keep running. I was in shock at all of this. Both of the men in my life have anger issues, I am so stuck in the middle and honestly, now I'm getting it's him or me. I've been told this by both sides now.

Answer 1

His anger issues are most likely the reason for the failure of his other relationships. Why should you tolerate what no one else will? If he refuses to get help for these issues, they will eventually destroy any affection you have him anyway. Your resentment is already building since you now feel used because of working 45 hours a week and having to carry the entire load of household chores too. Cut your losses now and dump him. Then crack down on your son.

Answer 2

It sounds like you might have some codependency and enabling issues. You should probably seek some counseling from a professional to help you get through this. It's a serious issue. Unattended anger issues could eventually become physical abuse and you could even be dead!

The fact that your boyfriend hasn't had luck with relationships before should indicate something to you. If he is unwilling to seek help for his issues, perhaps it's time to give him an ultimatum.

Also, your son is an adult. It's time that he lives up to the responsibilities that go with that. He should be, at the very least, contributing to the household, either monetarily or by doing his share of the work.

You said it - you "cater to the men in your life". Why? Don't they have two legs and two arms? They can pitch in. You just have to demand it.

Answer 3

Your kid is first priority. He still needs his mother. This guy with anger issues is worthless. If he wont get help on his own you certain cannot help him. There is a reason why no other women have stayed with him long. Is this guy worth it? he might do something terrible with his anger and then you or your children will pay. What a bad role model he is setting for your son and other kids. What man wouldn't want someone to cook and clean for him and he lay on the couch. It's like having a free maid with benefits, your are equally to blame for all of this because you accept this behavior. You are accepting it because you are letting it happen, you should have control of the situation. He needs to go. He will never get help and you will be settling for something less than you deserve. I wish you good luck.

Answer 4

As a domestic violence survivor and also a child who was discarded for my mother's boyfriend I hope that you know in your heart that you cannot change someone that does not want to change. You also cannot forget that you gave birth to your son and regardless of anything you are the only mother he will ever have. He's 18 and has a lot to learn, but 18 years with your son compared to 2 years with a bully - do the math.
I haven't spoken to my mother in 12 years because of the poor choices she made and to be sure that my children did not see how or who raised me. For those 12 years, lo and behold, I was married to a batterer. 7 years ago I had him arrested and that doesn't mean the nightmare ends. Please seek help at a women's domestic violence group. It may not seem bad now, but it is worse than you think. Ask yourself - Do I really want to be with someone that I fear?

Answer 5

A) does he hit you? if yes call the police and get him out of the house.
B) what has he done if anything? if he is damaging things in the home how long before that goes to your body?
C) does he think he has a problem with this? if no then there is nothing that can be done for him.

if you need him to get help and he will not then that is all there is to it no one can make him do anything so just be careful when he is around.

if there has been violent conflict then you need to move or get him out of the home pending on how has more legal rights to the place.

he sounds like he is not wanting to get help so there is nothing that anyone can do for him!, so is he right for you if you can not live with that then you need to rethink where you and he is in the relationship

Answer 6

You can't make someone change if they don't want to, live with it or move on.

Maybe the reason your are the only decent relationship he has had is because it sounds like you are taking care of him, why should he help if you are going to do it.

As for your son, at 18 if he is not going to school he should be helping more also and being responsible for his pets. Again why should he do more if you are going to do it.

These men seem like they are taking advantage of you and you are letting them. the problem may be with you. Take yourself to counseling and learn how to quit being a caregiver for everyone in your life

This may sound harsh but maybe its what you need to hear.

Answer 7

Hey lady you deserve better then to put up with anger from him all the time.He is the one with the problem .Dont ever feel that it is because of you .Why should you have to be unhappy living in this situation.Give him the ultimation .Tell him to get some help or counselling if that dont work move on and find happiness.

Answer 8

If he will not get help it time for him to hit the road you do not need to put up with someone who will not get help if he cares for you he would get help. I was married to one for 20 year. You son see him so he think he can do what he is doing . I know i have children. Its hard to be on your own but it is better then having to put up with that. hope thing work out for you.

Answer 9

If your boyfriend doesn't want to get help, he either thinks his anger issues are not a problem or he is ashamed of seeking help because he perceives that it would make him weak.

If his anger is coupled with violent behavior towards you or your son (verbal and non verbal), then you have to seriously consider whether you want this relationship or not.

Answer 10

See anger management, at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris on page 4; print 2 copies of relevant parts, and give one to both of them. Tell them you will withdraw all services, and take a break alone alone for a while, unless they both do something about their problems.