Overprotective mother in law?

Question

If you had a mother in law who:
a. put down everything you did
b. said constantly you didn't need to work - although you enjoyed it and it allowed you and your family to have less financial pressure.
c. complained about you taking your children on holiday abroad - saying you were only doing it for the benefit of your tan not so that the kids could enjoy it.
d. basically said that they were always right and you were always wrong.
Would you still want them to look after your children? Although you would probably be grateful that she did look after them - would all of the above eventually make you and your partner leave the children with someone else so that you don't have to put up with your MIL any more?
Do you think that the MIL would ever realise what pressure she is putting on your relationship with her son and with the children? Or would she carry on regardless determined that she is right?

Just a quick note - My MIL is lovely and I have none of the above problems with her.

crazymental and heather - you are right x x

Answer 1

The fact is the Mother in Law would be acting the way she was through love and concern, although misguided. She would need understanding and likely would see the daughter in law as a threat - this is an age old thing and unfortunatley Mother in Laws get a bad press because of it It is really down to their own insecurities and realisation that they dont have the control of their "wee" boys any more, so it must be the daughter in laws fault. I think it would be wrong for the son and wife to stop the Mother from looking after the kids as that would just accentuate the problem. The best thing to do would for both of them to talk to the Mother in Law, let her know how invaluable she is, how much she is loved but also that she is being unfair and causing unecessary problems. She may just need to know that no moatter what she is part of the family and very much needed. I am sure she has the grandchildrens best interest at heart but just has different views of what is good for them.

Answer 2

You are never going to be good enough for her son because(and this might sound sick), you are not her. She feels some ownership of him and will probably never let go of that. Your Mother in Law doesn't need to watch the kids if she is going to behave this way. I am sure there is another alternative.
My best advice to you s stop putting up with her crap. Every time she is rude or putting you down, call her on it. Say"that was rude" and sight exactly why it was rude "Are you implying that I don't love my kids and want to give them all the things I never had, like a warm, sunny, vacation in a different country?" Do it when other people are around as well. It will embarass her, because you are standing up to her and she knows that you are right and with other people around, she will also be self conscience about what she says next. After a while you will start to enjoy it. LOL. That is what I had to do with my wacky mother in law.

Answer 3

Take a step back and breath. Remember where you are right now. You had babies before you had a driver's license! I am not judging you, I am simply saying that sometimes it's hard to see all we have done, what we have become, and that we are still young. We are still immature, no matter how many babies we have. Here's what you should think of when your mother is acting "overprotective": My mother loves me. She loves her grandbabies. She knows what's like to be on the roads, and even with many years of experience, things happen. I know this is probably what you don't want to hear, and that's ok. I remember my mother nearly peeing her pants after I got my driver's license at age 18! And I didn't have babies then!

Answer 4

For one it sounds like that there might other issues involved besides the way you are raising your children. Mother in laws can be a pain in the you know what but you should always try and get along with her. if you don't it will only put stress on you husband and the kids. Maybe if the kids are old enough you should ask them where they would like to stay while you are off away? I have a mother in law like your and it seems like no matter what you do your doing wrong in her eyes. i have just learned that it might change some day but don't hold your breath, just talk to your other half and explain the way you feel. if you are strong about your decisions together maybe she will lay off and realize that her son had a hand in the decisions too.

Answer 5

So your MIL isn't Joan you're just speaking about her!

I doubt Joan says half of this to her face, preferring to talk about her behind her back.

But if my MIL done all that my hubby would probably be getting the brunt of it all. Which is unfair but usually what happens. The relationship between me and MIL would be strained - and that would become obvious to the kids.

When the kids get older they will wonder why mum doesn't like granny and it wouldn't take them long to figure it out and abonden their relationship with their Granny.

I seen this happen in my patners family. His gran on his dads side was a nasty peice of work and his mother could do no wrong. As soon as he was old enough to pick up what was going on he distanced himself from his Gran and to this day only sees her when he really has to.

Answer 6

I agree- You should nto be put in the position to tell her to back off. Its your family and you can go/do wherver and whatever you wish! Yes, MIL can be a pain- they are helpful though and I would rather that kids stay with family and not strangers. Stay friendly, polite and cordial, but the tough messages should be delivered by her own son- as he knows how his mom is like... Just remember you are your own nucleas- and she happens to be outside the immediate circle, decision that effect your family should be strictly yours and your hubby. Be frank with your husbnad and share your worries about the " pressure it is adding on to your relationshi", be frank- no matter what honesty is still the best solution

Answer 7

Hi charlotte,

Obviously your husband realises that your MinL's constant criticism is having its affect on you and from what I see, it is affecting him too.

Problem is, he is torn between you and his mother.

However, I believe both you and your husband should sit down with your MinL and diplomatically, but firmly tell her that her constant criticism is getting you both down and that there is no need for it.

Although your husband obviously loves his mother, his priorities must lie with the children and you now.

If he is happy with the way you are both living your lives together and the way you are bringing up the children, he should tell his mother that and ask her to give support and not criticism.

Another problem is, you don't know what your MinL is saying to her grandchildren when you are not around. Is she criticising you to them behind your back?

If the talk does not convince her that you and your husband are happy with the way things are, perhaps you should both tell his mother that you are concerned about allowing her to care for the children in the future.

Hopefully this will bring her to her senses and she will realise that what she is saying is affecting the relationship between the two of you and is likely to affect the relationship between her son and her grandchildren.

The very best of luck.

Poseidon

Answer 8

it JOAN R ya talking about int it? she is so over the top and yeah she will in time destroy the relationship - i sooo hope someone shows her son an DIL whats she being saying about them - its also very unfair on the grandchildren the way she goes on - i hope they soon realise an if it was me their is no way she would get away with that i put money on it that she is negative aboutDIL infront of the children as she hates her sooo much - and the grandchildren will end up resenting her for that - no matter what she say they will always think more of their mummy - an to be honest i think she is prob a really really good mum and thats what joan doesnt like

Answer 9

First tell me who did you marry? Your husband or the old lady? Keep a cool head on this one as men side with there mothers. Tell her how you feel and maybe invite her with you. Let her look after the kids. Travel is an educational experience for kids and they are very luck. Try and keep it up. This is one battle you will have to use all your wites and brains. Try moving. That could help. And well done for keeping your job. Good luck

Answer 10

Well I was just told of this - as Sparkles says it is very rude and hypocritical (especially by "Heather mk II" who talks behind my back about talking behind people's backs!)
And by the way "crazymental" : Nita has just sent an answer to my question about the teflon shorts that shows that my gut feeling about them is right so that is the sort of reason I post here for - to get information so as to protect my grandsons not to put people down as those who have "starred" this question do (including *another* "charlotte I" I note!).
Thank you again Barb (Sparkles).