Ok it's has been a 10 months since I found out about my husbands infedelity. since then I have him under lock and key he check in with me at all times. He comes over to my work at lunch he comes by after work and then we drive home together. I give him no time to himself. I don't know for how much longer he will do this. I am scared that he is going to snap at any time. Has anyone ever done this before and what was the out come? I forgave him for the affair but you I am working on gaining his trust. we are also going through counceling. No smart answers please.
2007-08-14 11:20:58 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
and yes the therapist is aware of what we are doing. but he is the one who is jumping through hoops for me. It is actually kind of embarassing because peoople at work always ask what does he do and how is it that he has so much time on his hands. He really does not he works very hard but I feel as if he will snap at any moment.
2007-08-14 11:34:29 · update #1
You didn't forgive him.
No matter how many times you say you did, you're never going to convince yourself that you did.
The way I know is because like you said yourself you are keeping him under lock and key...If you don't trust him there is no reason to be with him, yes he did a HORRIBLE thing and it will never be justifiable no matter what, but to keep him around acting as if he is your child is also not justifiable.
If you love him and really want to forgive him then you have to start learning how to trust him again. I'm not saying to give your full heart out again, nor am I saying to forget what he did, but giving him time to himself and time to be a man is what you need to start doing.
He will get tired of being on a leash, and you will get tired of having him there which will ultimately result in you two seperating anyway and isn't that what you are trying to avoid in the first place?
2007-08-14 11:28:08 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure he'll put up with being treated like a caged animal for a few months out of sheer guilt over his affair. Even though this CONTROL you have makes you feel better right now, you and I both know it isn't solving the deeper issue of why he cheated in the first place. It's good you are going to counseling because it sounds like you guys will need it to get over the violation in trust that happened. But you can't keep him under lock and key forever sweetie. At some point, you're either going to have to trust him again or say "I can't do this...there's no way I'm ever going to trust you again."
2007-08-14 11:25:30 · answer #2 · answered by bestadvicechick 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That is difficult and I don't blame you. It is good that you are going through counseling. Is he starting to resent the fact that you have him under lock and key? At some point you will have to allow him some freedom or he will snap. Just like when your kids get in trouble and you ground them. At some point you have to start to trust and let them back out. It is hard as hell but its one of those necessary evils. Good luck to you both.
2007-08-14 11:26:33 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
One of the casualties of infidelity, no trust. I would not advise the lock and key and checking in with you at all times. He is not a child. Going to counseling is a positive step, one question I would want answered is why he strayed? Counseling will help both of you to sort out whether to stay and separate....Good luck
2007-08-14 11:31:04 · answer #4 · answered by Sandy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, you cannot account for every minute of his day and IF he really wanted to still have an affair.... he would find a way. Consequently, you monitoring his every move is really a moot point and a false sense of security. Come on.... you know you aren't feeling secure even though you are monitoring him. You need to let him do what he wants.....instead of handcuffing him. Be honest between each other and allow him to be an adult do want he wants to do instead of being told by a "parent" to do what you want him to do. Love should be allowing your partner to be themselves... and your love shouldn't be conditional meaning "I will love you IF.. you react this way.. IF you act this way..." Your love should be unconditional. Either you love him for all his faults....or you don't and must leave the marriage.
2007-08-14 11:30:01 · answer #5 · answered by P B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you chose to work things out then you do need to get over it in a way. Not forget about it completely but move on you know. If you say he checks in with you at all times then that's him trying to prove something to you. Its not easy to trust him immediately but if both of you want things to work out you should start off fresh because he might also get frustrated from you trying to have him on check all the time.
2007-08-14 11:28:51 · answer #6 · answered by *MaRiE* 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know you have got to let him loose sooner or later. It will be hard but you can't keep living like that! Can you honestly picture yourself like this for the rest of your life? Cheating or not, you have to give him and yourself some breathing room. If he is going to do it again there is nothing you or anyone can do or say. It is up to him now. You have to accept it for your own sanity! It may take years & years & years to feel comfortable again. Just work on your own inner strength because that is what will make or break you.!!!!!!
2007-08-14 11:26:36 · answer #7 · answered by char__c is a good cooker 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes till you feel comfortable if he really wants your forgiveness he has to do whatever it takes for you to trust him again. On your part taking him back means you have agreed to start on a clean slate as long as you don't: badger him for his crime later whenever you get mad at him , find yourself being unable to forgive him or getting unreasonably angry at him for even the smallest things i say ride on. However work on you too communicate more with each other let him tell you how he feels share with him how you feel too it will be a better way to avoid him snapping it takes time hang in there..cheers
2007-08-14 11:30:27 · answer #8 · answered by Versacetica 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My god, this is a hard one. Where are you on the continuum of gaining trust? Are you making progress? How is the counselling going? I have been in your position, and I empathize with you. My cheating ex moved his business to our home, called me at work 5-10 times a day, rarely went out in the evening, and still managed to cheat (after the initial exposed infidelity). He referred to working at home as being "under house arrest". The only amusing thing is, he left me, and went to work in the house of his mistress! He is already cheating on her. I don't mean to sound negative, but maybe you should consider cutting your losses. My heart goes out to you.
2007-08-14 11:32:38 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
do you think you will ever trust him again? He is lucky you forgave him and needs to understand why you are doing the things you are doing. he broke a major trust and has no reason to complain about the new rules. personally i could never trust him again and would end the relationship. but if you do work it out then good for you, i wish you luck.
2007-08-14 11:28:39 · answer #10 · answered by zabrina e 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋