Should I tell my mom that her brother and her sister in law are swingers?

Question

My mom always talks about how her brother complains to her about the troubles between him and his wife. (affairs, staying out late, not taking care of their son, etc) And my mom would cry to me how she can't figure out why it has been happening in their family and she doesn't know how to help them.
I would say, stay out of their business, however she wants to be a good sister and help them out.
I googled my uncle's email address online..and his email came up on various "swingers" sites with nude pix, etc AND his wife is on there as weel. I was disgusted, yet HERE was my answer to why he and his wife are having marriage problems. I've known this for 4 months now, haven't told anybody.... Should I tell my mom?(part of me thinks she wouldn't want to know something like this about her brother) Or just stay out of it completely?

I'm not young.. i'm 26. My mom confides in me and I want to be able to help her, however I am not sure if reveiling this would change anything...

Answer 1

Yes, I think you should tell her. Ask her to keep it in confidence between you and her. It will keep her from feeling like she is responsible for helping them fix things... It sounds like she worries about them too much - I think this will show her that they can take care of themselves.

Answer 2

Honestly, would telling your Mom make any difference? Is there really anything she can do?

Short answer, no. A couple's marriage is THEIR OWN business and no one else's, no matter how well-intended. If the two people who know the situation best can't sort it out between themselves, I really can't see a 3rd uninvolved party solving it for them. If they want help, they will seek it themselves.

This doesn't mean that your Mom should ignore their plight; of course we are ALL obliged to respect marriages - our own or those of others - and do what we can to support them. But the boundaries of the relationship MUST be respected. This is one such boundary. What your aunt and uncle choose to do with their sex life is not, should not...even MUST not...be subject to the judgements of others unless they are harming themselves or others by it.

Being a swinger myself, I'd hazard a guess that their swinging will only accelerate what was inevitible. Having seen the nature of swinging up close and personal, I can say with authority that it is NOT the act of having sex with other people that ruins the relationship. It is the motives, honesty, and integrity (or in this case, lack thereof) that determines the couple's success.

If your aunt and uncle are carrying on this way and using swinging as some kind of desperate last-ditch quick-fix, you're right: they're going to destroy their marriage. I know you don't agree with what we do, and in this case, it sounds like your fears are justified. It CAN work, but I can't say I have high hopes here.

So the question here is, what to do? First, I'd strongly suggest that you DON'T tell your Mom. She doesn't want to know, your aunt and uncle don't want her to know, and no, they don't want to know that you know either. It's difficult to watch these things play themselves out, but there is very little that you can really do. Tattling on them won't help the situation any, and if anything, it could make things even worse. All it does is involve a whole lot of people who have no business being involved in such private matters. You could suggest to your Mom that this is their life to live and that, while she means well, she probably should let them sort their own stuff out. Let them know that she's a friendly ear, a shoulder to cry on, and willing to help however she can, but that their problems really should be treated by a professional if they simply cannot sort them out on their own. Swinging, it sounds like, is the least of their worries! A shift in priorities seems to be in order.

Answer 3

The one thing that makes you question, um... questionable in it's own right is that on swingers dating sites email addresses are kept secret and you contact couples via the sites internal email system. So I very much doubt you Googled his email and found him on a swinger's site, emails just aren't published on them... and you wouldn't be able to look for them on the site unless you yourself paid money and joined it. So did you?

However if this is the case, I can tell you with the utmost knowledge that if they are trying to swing, or are swinging, and their relationship is in the shambles it is, then they are using swinging to try to "fix" their screwed-up marriage. Their relationship isn't screwed-up because they are swingers.

Unfortunately some couples think that opening-up their relationship to others will magically fix everything they've effectively broken over the years. It doesn't. It just makes it worse because now they have something else to fight about.

Also unfortunately swinging gets the blame for their marriage's demise because it was the last thing they tried before they broke-up. If they'd gone for ice cream Baskin Robins might be blame instead. In reality the only ones to blame are themselves, but it's so much easier to feed your crap to others than to eat it yourself.

In short, swinging won't fix a good relationship, but it certainly won't hurt a good one.

Answer 4

This is one of those cases where you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't. If you have told no one, then I would suggest you keep your mouth shut. If it comes out, and your mother finds out that you knew, she will think you should have told her, even though she probably wouldn't want to know. If you have told a few people, and there is a possibility of her finding out via the grapevine, by all means you should tell her. If she does find out, and it is not linked to you, don't even let on that you knew. Good luck with this.

Answer 5

oh that is such a hard thing. In some ways I think you should just ignore it but I guess it just depends on if you think it would help anyone or change anything if you told her. If not I guess you have to just keep it to yourself.

wait I had another thought. Tell your mom that she should google him because you heard a rumor. Then she finds out but you didn't have to tell her.

Answer 6

I would also recommend staying out of it, but the cat's out of the bag and it's bothering you.

Tell your mom what you did and show her what you found. Then - back off and let your mom handle it.

Answer 7

if you're young. stay out of it unless your mom gets really upset. then, don't talk to her, tell your uncle you know whats going on and tell him to leave your mom out of his problems.

Answer 8

Dont just tell her, show her.