How to tell Dad that we no longer respect him??

Question

I'm 28. Siblings are 27 & 21. Our divorced dad (54) lost his mom (80) last year, and he's acted like a weirdo ever since. I'm convinced that it's also a mid-life crisis. A few examples...taking up pot smoking, fighting with me & my sibs, blowing $$$$ on a trip to Beijing to find a "friend", erratic driving behavior, etc, etc. (He's a high school health/gym teacher!) My sibs & I no longer want to be around him. "Friendly" conversations with him feel forced, fake. He just makes us sick. I miss my "old" dad. I need to have this conversation with him before we completely cut ourselves off....But I do I begin without being confrontational?........I should also mention that I lost my mom (51) to breast cancer 5 months after his mom died, so it's not like I don't know what grief is.

Answer 1

I think you should advise your dad to go to a concellor and to talk about his worries, and perhaps use should go too and sort things out. Its hard to be supportive of someone who is acting like this, make it clear that you dont like his behaviour and stay away from him for a while - he will soon realise what he has.

Answer 2

Sorry to hear about your troubles but you should definitely talk to you dad. Just tell him how you feel. But first ask him what is wrong, try to find out what are the issues/causes behind his behavior. Maybe acting like that is the only way he can cope with his mom's death. He lost an important woman in his life and it most certainly took its toll on him. Maybe since your mom died he felt some remorse about that too. You have to understand that maybe his mom and your mom were two huge relationships that defined his identity and personality. Now that those people that defined that part of himself are gone he might have some identity issues and doesn't know who he is. Try to understand from his point of view. He might be suffering from a lot of remorse with your mom's passing and loss with his mom's passing.
After you find out his cause or at least let him know you are concern and will always be there to help then tell him how his behavior affects you guys. At times maybe give him some examples of the weird behavior he was done and how it makes you and your siblings feel. Stick to current issues and don't accuse, nag or complain. Just keep it simple and you can give an example of weird behavior then the reaction you guys had. Let him know you guys love him and concern and that maybe he should get counseling. Im sure he'll listen cause i doubt he wants to lose his children as well from his life that would be another huge blow. And you and your siblings should try to be patient and try to understand your dad from his perspective as a person not a father figure.

Answer 3

Short answer? Get into some counseling with him - all of you.

Longer answer...coming from a funeral director:
Your dad is not grieving - and he is irrationally seeking out things to try and replace what he has lost - and views you guys - views the things that have remained constant as "unfair".
I would bet that regardless of the fact that you lost both your Mom and Grandmother - that he truly believes that you don't understand. I would also bet that at the very foundation of this, he regrets the divorce - regardless of "fault".

All of you should seek out some support groups or a counselor...you cannot force someone to grieve - I know that because my own father, also a funeral director, has not started grieving my Mom's death...13 years ago. I suggested counseling - but none of my 5 siblings "have the time" - so Dad simply dives deeper into the bottle and self-destructive ways, and shouts that I am the one who is ______-up and so on.
I love the man because he is my dad - but I have no respect for him - none at all - because of his choices to ignore the obvious and to seek out "help" from a bottle.

Get the help - before you wind up like me!

Answer 4

Yes, but you don't know what HIS grief is. He's not only lost a mother he loved; he then lost his life partner just 5 months later. The entire affair has thrown him in such a state of depression that he doesn't know how to react. The result: seemingly meaningless, childish behavior.
Instead of condeming the man, how about trying to see the world from his point of view; trying to immagine what this one-two knockout blow did to him mentally and emotionally. He been devistated and needs your love and understanding if he's ever to get back on his feet again.
Sit down with him, both of you, and just let him know you love him, that you know he's hurting and that you want to be there for him.
You'll be pleased with the results, trust me.

Answer 5

everyone handles grief in their own way... your father may be going off the deep end since his mother died, because it could have brought up other issues in his life which he has not taken the initiative to cope with.

perhaps you could let him know you feel he is not the same these days, considering his behaviors, you wonder if he needs someone to talk to? you don't have to be mean or confrontational. you could let him know that while you realize it's not your business to pry, you are there if he needs to talk... see what happens?

when we are in our 50's, and have suffered a lot of loss (divorce, parents, even EX wives), it can bring up issues about our own mortality and future. just because someone is 50 doesn't mean they "have it all together" and can handle anything... it's just not true.

perhaps your father feels he has no support system and is just running amuk!

you are trying to have "friendly" conversations with him, instead of facing the issues head-on and finding some compassion.... burying problems doesn't make them go away. skirting issues doesn't either.

apparently, you and your father used to have a better relationship, back in the days before his mom and your mom passed, and perhaps before your parents were divorced?

if you care about your dad, try letting him know you're there... if not, just out right tell him you don't want anything to do with him.

the choice is yours.

Answer 6

You father is lost and he is still grieving. Please don't give up on him and try to be there for him as often as you can. He is hurting otherwise he wouldn't be doing such odd things. He needs you. Everything he is doing is a cry for help. See if you can get him into some kind of counseling or have other family members (like his brother or sister, or both if he has them) and have a family meeting with him, telling him lovingly, of his erratic behavior. Mention how he could lose his job too due to the potsmoking. But don't give up on him.

Answer 7

Make sure you do not condem the person but condem the behavior.
Let him know that while he is involved with what you feel are self destructive behaviors that you do not wish to have contact with him. Also let him know that you still love him for what he has been in your life in the past and that if he gives up the pot and drinking, and starting acting like a responsible adult you will be glad to resume you previous relationship

Answer 8

Be carfeull man, his behavior is just a response to what happened to him. I know this sounds unorthodox, but sit down and smoke a joint with him. This will one, show him that you are like him (smoking with him will make him relaxed), two, open the flood gates so you could talk about this serious issue. Do not force the conversation, let him start to talk about it, then you add on. Keep everything positive no matter what. Weed usually gets you so relaxed it allows you to drop that invisible sheild and make you more prone to talk about certain issues. Even if you dont smoke weed, do it this one time, for your great dad who has always been there for you. Time for you to do the same.

Answer 9

print out what you wrote...and mail it to him.

i think your dad is running away, as the pain is something he hasn't been able to face.

the two deaths have made him realize how fragile life is and that his time is short. he is attempting to do everything he ever thought of doing so he will have no regrets. unfortunately he does not realize that is deepest regret will be losing his children.

i am sorry you and your siblings are suffering so. if you don't tell your dad he may never realize how he is hurting you all.

don't wait until tragedy strikes. tell him now. i will be praying for you all

Answer 10

Sounds like he's having a bit of a break-down. I think you approach him with genuine love and concern. He definitely needs counseling, so I recommend that you tell him that in order for you and your siblings to help/support him, he needs to go to counseling, and offer to go with him. I don't think telling him you no longer respect him is going to do anyone any good, and it might drive him further into this madness.