Help! How Do I Handle This In A Tactful Manner?

Question

My husband was an "oops" baby, and is 16 years younger than the next older sibling. Since his parents were not expecting any more children, they had no baby things for him when my mother-in-law was pregnant. My father-in-law made an absolutely beautiful rocking chair for my mother-in-law to nurse and rock him in. Since it was a chair made for him, she gave it to me on our wedding day, as she wanted his (my husband's) children to be nursed and rocked in the same chair.

We ended up not having children. It was harder for his parents to accept it than it was for mine. His mother has only mentioned the chair once to me, when she remarked quite bitterly, "If I'd known you weren't going to use it, I wouldn't have wasted it on you."

I don't know if I should simply give the chair back to my husband's mother with a warm thank you, or if I should keep it and pass it along to another person in his family later on.

What are your thoughts? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Thanks.

Answer 1

The rocking chair was a wedding gift to you and your husband. Would your husband like to give it back to his mother? Ask him to make the decision because the chair might have some sentimental value to him. After all his father made it. Your mother-in-law probably resents not having grandchildren by her son. She might even blame it all on you. Who knows!

If you husband doesn't want to keep the rocking chair then I suggest that you give it back to his mother. Another thought ... could the rocking chair be used as a gift to a newborn great-grandchild? That might me a sweet, tactful way to keep it in the family. Does your husband have a niece or nephew & wife that is having a baby soon?

By the way, you are nice to be tactful to a mother-in-law who sounds a little hard to please. Hope your husband appreciates you.

Answer 2

It is clear that this chair should be treated as a family hierloom in the most literal sense.
Since you have chosen not to abide by what your in-laws seem to feel were the terms of the trusteeship i.e. to provide them with grandchildren, you should, as you suggest, return the chair to them as the originators of the trust, with, as you say, a warm thank-you note. They may then dispose of it as they wish.
As you say yourself, the chair was not made for you but for the family children to be nursed and rocked in. You have, however, been a good custodian (the chair has survived), and now is the time to give it up.
I feel you are a good and thoughtful person and you know in your heart of hearts what is right.

Answer 3

From the comment your MIL made, it seems as though the chair was not intended as an outright gift but more as a sort of family heirloom, so, while technically you would be within your rights to keep it, you sound a little ambivalent about this course of action.

And, as you don't mention your husband's attitude in all this, I am supposing the decision has been left up to you.

You could say to your in-laws one day that as you and your hubby don't have children you'd like to see that the chair goes to someone who can use it for its intended purpose ~ can they suggest a family member they would like to see it go to?

Alternatively, you could give some thought to whether of your husband's nephews and nieces (the next generation) are planning to have children or are most 'family history' oriented, and then let your in-laws know that you plan to make a gift of the chair to one of their descendants, as an heirloom and a gift of love.

Another course of action might be to let your in-laws know that you love the chair and appreciate its beauty and that while it has always meant a lot to you, you are aware of its significance as an heirloom and intend to bequeath it to one of their descendants in your will.

Good luck and best wishes :-)

Answer 4

I have a mother in law like this. Nothing you can do is going to make her happy with exception to having children for her. I would suggest keeping the chair and passing it along to someone you and your husband love later. Giving it back to her is just gonna make her more bitter about your decision not to have children.

Answer 5

It sounds like the chair was given in a begrudging manner in the first place. Your m.i.l. sounds very immature and hard to please. If it were me I would turn the tables on her and ask her in front of open company "Oh, would you like the chair back?" This way you have given her the opportunity to answer yes or no and at the same time she would be quick to get the hint that you thought her earlier comment was in poor taste. never worry too much about other people when it comes to your own marriage as the only ones who can make you happy are yourselves.
Good luck!

Answer 6

I would hold onto the chair until some else in his family becomes pregnant then pass the chair along (if you are absolutely certain you will not be using it). I don't think you need to ask MIL permission - it was given to you and your partner.

Her comment is way out of line, even if she is disappointed that you will not have children, it is hurtful and very rude of her.

I admire you patience and generosity. MILs can be very difficult and some feel they have the right to patronize DILs . Continue to be civil, but reserved (self preservation is key).

Answer 7

I think you should politely mention to your mother-in-law that she or someone else would put the chair in use. I am guessing its just sitting there and if your husband doesnt care. Then give it away.... But I would def be sure to keep it in the family.

Answer 8

Hey, I am so mad right now because I had a mother in law and she did not like me because I married her son. I was three years older than him. Anyway if I were you ,I would give the chair to her. If she reply I would not respond. Unless you are trying to keep the peace tell her now that I am not going to be using it I am retuning it to you to pass it on to to someone else. Let it go.smile

Answer 9

She actually told you, if she'd known you weren't going to use it, she wouldn't have wasted it on you?! ... WOW! ... I suppose some people would go to any length to make sure those precious lil' genes of theirs is passed on to the next generation! ... And you are worried about hurting her feelings? ... I am thankful that there are still people like you left in this world. I am sure whatever you end up doing, dear, would turn out to be the most civilized way of handling the situation - despite what others may eventually think and/or accuse you of. ... Be Happy!

Answer 10

To start with she was a bit rude with what she said. I would give it back to her with a Thank you card. I would say something like "Thank you for the beautiful rocking chair but, maybe it is best suited for some one that will get more use out of it"