Do you think this man is trying to be the best father he can be?

Question

He's 43 & a single parent. He has 4 kids. 2 are grown & the others are rebellious & ruthless teens. His wife died a few years ago because she was very ill. He was born & raised in church & carried his church morals through with his children. His oldest daughter is very successful & is working on her Master's degree, the 2nd child is transgendered, the 15-yr. old son & 13-yr. old daughter are sexually active & do drugs. The daughter was pregnant & lost her baby. They talk back to him & try to fight him, & no type of discipline works. He cries every night because he feels like he's not doing a good enough job as a father. The more he punishes him, the more they rebel, & they're very sneaky. He feels that he looks bad in the church because of what his kids do.

He asked me to post this problem on here for advice.

Answer 1

They are really taking advantage of him because he was grieving. They are using their mother's death as a change to rebel against their father and everything they had been taught. Is there someone in the church whom they will listen to? He may have to have the law take care of them if they are doing drugs.

As far as him looking bad in the eyes of the church, if the church is filled with Christians, they should not look badly at him. No one in my small church would. Perhaps he could ask for help from the youth leaders at his church.

You are very kind to talk to him about his problems.

Answer 2

People in the church might be looking down on him, but that's because some of the most ignorant and judgmental people are found in church. There seems like there is a lot going on in his family right now but it probably has a lot to do with his wife being ill and passing away. The children probably need to talk to a professional. A lot of times children don't know how to handle tough situations like death. It has nothing to do with him and it's sad that he feels like he's not doing his job. There are many men in the world who don't do anything for their children. Those are the ones who are bad fathers. I applaud him for being there for his children, but maybe it's time to get a third party's help because the children are going through a lot. As for the older son who is transsexual, that's not a big deal. It's different but not a negative thing. If he's acting out and doing negative things then that is a problem. If not, hey it's okay. Going to church doesn't make us almighty like God so we definitely have no place to judge.

Answer 3

A parent can only do so much. Naturally children rebel. I can only say that if he knows this about the younger ones that the best thing he can do for them is turn them in and let the law handle it. Who cares what people at church thinks. It's What GOD thinks that counts. Spare the rod spoil the child. Try talking and if that doesn't work the only thing left is ask for help. Pray and wait. GOD will guide you. I have an ex-husband who is soon to be 33 and mommy still provides for him even though he chooses not to take care of his 4 children and continues to be irresponsible. How long do you want this behavior to last. Don't enable them and they may live through the tough part of growing up. I take care of my three children without help from anywhere so I know it is hard. Even though they are young they know my boundaries and will not push them. I depend on GOD and his guidance a lot and he helps. Try going to Open meetings for narcotics anonymous and you will learn through the fellowship what to do. I learned how to deal with my ex with this perception on life and today I know I can only be responsible for me and mine. Don't let them run you down you be the man they need when they need you. We all have to fall in order to learn what life is about.
GOD BLESS AND GOOD LUCK

Answer 4

My prayers go out to this guy (thats odd because I am an atheist). No matter what happens he will feel guilty and incompetent. Not much he can do about the transgender excepting for just getting over it and continuing to accept the person "as is". In time, things will generally right themselves but unfortunately this poor fellow will have to see some serious heartache before that happens.

He will have to pust the screws down on the other two though. Obviously there will need to be a grieving period and even then as stated above the kids are going to lash out in their own grief. Hard as hell to do it alone but he has it to do. He cant give up but he cant blame himself for how ANY of his kids turn out. They make their own decisions. That is the funny thing about being human huh?

Answer 5

I think he has alot on his plate. The kids also have been though alot as well. No child is ready to loose a parent especially at a young age. No one really had time to heal im guessing and just tried to move on without grieving. The 3 younger ones took their mom's death the hardest in the sense that they weren't old enough or mature enough to figure out or know how to deal with such a loss, they miss their mom and they are all acting on that pain in their own way. Dad is grieving himself and also trying to raise and support a family so he may or may not of been there when the kids needed him for support or guidance on how to grieve or handle stress or disapointment in the right way. This doesnt mean that hes a bad parent however, things were very and still are very chaotic so havent had time to breath and that isn't his fault by any means. Frankly what i think they all need is a family vaction. They need time together away from everything to just get to know eachother and try to start to depend on eachotehr for support rather then other outside sources that are not very healthy. I think everyone is strill trying to figure out how to grience and move on and no one is really supporting anyone everyone is just trying to fend for themselves, and thats a very bad things especially for kids. They need the vaction or a good outing somwhere on a weekend and then need to at least get the 2 younger ones in counceling. Try to make sure they know that dad is there to support them and will always make time for them even though he is gone alot because of working.

ITs gonna take some work but somethings can get better it you work on it.

Ill be thinking of this family and hoping everything turns out great. Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 6

hmmmmmmmmm

a 13 year old being rebellious, and he is crying because he can't help them ?????????

he has to sit em down and talk with em, that is serious
he has to not be wimp, he should be a strong example, make time and tell the kids exactly what his experience has been, what he thinks they should do and why. And help them get on track to having a good life, instead of a messed up one. Most kids would understand the difference and that they have a choice mostly. Use examples if necessary.

Answer 7

sounds like his older children are doing fine, and not getting into trouble or doing illegal things. The younger two, he might want to consider perhaps boarding school or a detention center. If he cannot control them, when they get into trouble- perhaps he should bail them out, but as for be9ing sexually active all he can really do is get the daughter on birth control and give both the kids plenty of condoms, that way if they choose to be sexually active then at least they will have some ofrm of protection. if he knows anyone with infants, maybe the younger kids can spend a day or two, dealing with a baby...Find one with colic!!! If they had to deal with a crying baby day in and day out they wouldnt want to have sex! As far as the drugs thing... if they dont listen then he should kick them out, as long as they live under his roof they should abide by some rules.

Answer 8

He should stop worrying about his own reputation, apologize to his kids for being punitive with them in the past, and *listen* to them. He needs to tell them that he loves them *and* that he is not going to take responsibility for trying to make their lives "right" -- it is up to them now.

A couple of books that might help are:

How to talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk,

and

The Teenage Liberation Handbook.

These kids have been rebelling no doubt because both the school and the father have been too heavy-handed. Kids treated respectfully and who have their needs met simply don't act out like that.

Good luck to him.

Answer 9

As a mental health professional with 20+ years experience, now retired, the story you tell of this man makes me wish I was still in practice and could take him as a client. Sometimes, however, people who have been very involved in their church, and have an "image" to preserve, are the least likely to pursue counseling and the least likely to stay with it and improve, but I've had "difficult" clients before and I'd love to "take him on", but, since I'm retired, and it takes so much to come out of retirement in this profession, I can't work with him. But, back to your question. Yes, I believe he is trying to be the best father he can be, but his scope of understanding his own psyche and his children's psyches, including the death of their wife/mother, severely limits his capabilities. It's kind of like a heart surgeon trying to give himself open heart by-pass surgery. It won't happen, successfully. Tell this man you know that this man on Answers, himself a strong Christian church-going man, strongly recommends he find some counselor in the Christian counseling field to talk to for the purpose of making himself feel better and his children as well. I wish I could make a specific recommendation to whom, but I don't know where he resides and I don't know the therapists he'd be dealing with, but, urge him to try, upon recommendation of this man on Answers (me) who is very much a Christian (as good as I can be) and a church goer, and a mental health professional with 20+ years experience, now retired. Thank you. God Bless you.

Answer 10

If he is wondering if he is the best father he can be, then no. Everyone has room for improvement (yes, I am including myself in this). There is always something we can do better as a parent, and maybe he should see a counselor for advice, or see if any of his kids will go with him. Maybe there is something that needs to be said to clear the air between him and his children.
A death in the family is very difficult and maybe his children have not gotten over it yet.