What's the polite way to handle this?

Question

Over the last year and a half, whenever my husband and I go out to dinner with my parents, we have either picked up the check or my step-father insists on splitting the bill. Even when they have suggested and planned the dinner out.

It has gotten to be embarassing because my step-father is loud about it (splitting the bill). I don't want to avoid going out with them but I don't know how to broach the subject with them.

My sister even called me and asked what the deal was. Our parents asked to meet for lunch and then dad made a big display about who would be on his bill. He included one grandchild but not the other (cousins not siblings). The ten year old did not understand and was hurt.

Our parents are much better off financially than either of us.

Answer 1

Tell your parents in the future that however they want to split the bill is fine with you. Just don't announce it so openly in front of the children, or anyone at the table. Do it privately.

Children don't understand what splitting the bill is. All they could understand is that one child was picked over the other---by their own grandparent!

Ask your father about this. There must be a reason why he would do something like that. Tough love???

Answer 2

I would casually bring up the issue to mom and ask what the deal is. If they insist on continuing to at least split the bill, maybe ask mom to hint to stepdad to be a little more tactful when it comes time to pay the bill. I would bring up the incident with the excluded grandchild in case they didn't realize that feelings were hurt. I'm sure you don't expect that since they are more well off that they always foot the bill, but if you can't get a good answer from them, stop offering to pick up the full check, go dutch, and be firm when you need to about who pays for who, and leave it.

Answer 3

If the biggest problem is the bill-splitting, I think the best thing to do would be, at the beginning of the meal, request separate checks. Then there shouldn't be a big production about splitting the bill.

The other options would be to refuse the next few invitations on the basis of cost or host dinner at your home.

I honestly think it may depend on the frequency of these occasions. If its once a month and it's not a big drain on your budget, just decide to treat them to a meal. If it's becoming burdensome, better to bow out than to continue to have bad feelings.

Answer 4

Since the source is a parent it is a little more delicate than it would be if say this was a friend, but the next time they ask you to go out to dinner just tell them that funds are a little tight this week and that you won't be able to go out with them. This will make them evaluate just how much they want to eat out with you and may say for you not to worry that your Dad can cover your bill this time or they may simply say "ok we understand lets schedule another time when your finances are better." My family is much like yours but more often than not I am usually the one that picks up the whole tab when it is my idea to eat out. Its definitely a double standard but I just make sure I am prepared to handle the expense. Sometimes if you pull away often enough, the other person starts to reconsider the behaviors. This I've learned the hard way. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

It seems your step-father is the person who makes the big deal about it. If I were you I would speak to your mom and let her know that while you love going out with them, you just can't afford to pick up the tab or even really split it. Attempt honesty with your mom. Don't even bring your step-dad into it. Chances are mom will understand.

If pressed, tell them you are saving up for a trip, or a new washing machine, or something.

Another solution is to have them over for dinner. Maybe suggest to mom that they bring dessert. Then you control the cost of the meal for everyone. You're still paying, but you can pick up dinner for four and make it yourself for the price of one entree at most resturaunts.

Answer 6

I think you just have to pick your battles on this one.
- If the gandkid is being hurt by the behavior I would definately address that ("Dad, Joe and I have gotten used to the way you divide up the bill. But Darling Son is really upset that you made such a big deal about excluding him. It was insensitive of you to exclude him like that, he thinks he did something to upset you.")

And when they plan the evening out ask where your going. Have no qualms about saying "Hubby and I just can't afford to eat dinner there."

Answer 7

In my view, splitting the bill isn't embarrassing, but excluding some people and including some very much is! esp kids.

I see how you are bothered about the splitting part, but I say, let it go. You don't need to stop seeing them just becoz of this. Think of it as......everyone has their idiosyncrasies, and this might be one of theirs. Who knows, maybe they are wanting to save up for something or just want to be practical.

Split the bill graciously or pay for them, unless they insist.

Answer 8

I would make an excuse probably,like money,health,or previous plans for same time,if they push maybe pull mom aside,let her know politely how you all feel,and let her discuss it with hhim.the nice thing is they're your parents,they will forgive you!!! my dad always wanted to go to a bar or something,i finally got him to stay home when we're visiting.I just had to let him know i was there for him not a bunch of drinking w/ his friends.he didnt like it but i think he does now.because we do other stuff w/kids and our family.they probably will understand finances better then you give them credit for,they just don't know your broke like they are!!sounds like he is jealous of what you do have,most of us are doing better then our parents did @ our age.or he just doesn't realize he's being a jerk.

Answer 9

Next time they call politely refuse on the grounds of cost. The discussion should lead itself around and if nothing else at least you get to tell them how you feel.

Answer 10

for the sake of your mom, i would say to let it go. it's only money.