What's the etiquette when people forget an important milestone birthday?

Question

I'm not talking about acquaintances, but rather close family members and friends you've known for 10 or 20 years, and who knew and were reminded of the upcoming day in recent weeks.

Example a brother never called or sent a card, and parents remembered at the last minute and called late in the day to apologize for forgetting and not sending a card, let alone a gift. Best friend for 20 years doesn't remember at all.

With mom and dad, I say just let it go - say "no worries - the call and happy birthday wishes are plenty -- thanks a million" so that they don't feel bad. For brother, same thing - just tell him it doesn't matter.

What about for best friend? Anything.... most of me says just move on - as an adult, this crap shouldn't matter.

Oh - and by way of detail, all their birthdays are remembered for many years, and cards/gifts sent, etc.

Is a grown man being a big p@ssy for giving a crap about this?

I have no desire to take revenge on anybody. It was a weird feeling though, getting home and checking the mail -- nothing.... the phone calls -- nothing....

To friends I was like, "hey - what's going on this weekend" and all that - "any plans for Saturday, cuz if not, then I'm going to go out with Nancy (name changed to protect the innocent)".... It was just a weird thing, really. Felt surreal, like - wow - nothing..... let down.

Kyanna - you are probably right to a great degree. It's bothersome, because my families' and friends' birthdays are remembered with cards and gifts, as I said. In particular, milestone birthdays (like 21, 30, etc.) are celebrated to great degree. I don't expect anybody to put on a party, my expectation was an acknowledgment. After all, I gave gifts on his birthday the last few years because he had a get together set up by his girlfriend.

My advice to someone asking this same question would likely be about the same as yours to me. Sometimes, I think, we get a little sensitive - and I freely admit I may be oversensitive about this -- and I think that you are right, I just can't let it bother me. This year is worse than any other year, due to the milestone nature of it, and causes me to have feelings of "that's it - no more cards, gifts or phone calls for any of these people...." - I hate those kind of spiteful feelngs though.

Answer 1

Some adults care, others don't. Being male doesn't matter. Based on your comments, I would assume that birthdays are not a big deal to your friend and family. Do they do much for their own?

As an adult, you really shouldn't expect gifts anymore (unless your family traditionally does do gifts for adults, which doesn't sound like your case), but a phone call or an email is appropriate, just to let the person know they were being thought of. It is the polite thing to do, but busy schedules and the way our culture is (we've become a 'me' society), other people's birthdays are easily forgotten (even with a recent reminder).

You could mention something, in a joking way. "Hey, you forgot to wish me happy birthday last week! You owe me a drink." It will remind your friend that he forgot, and will give you a chance to celebrate, even if it's a bit late.

Next year, set up some kind of 'party' for yourself. Maybe say to your friend, "I'm turning X years old next Saturday. Want to go out for dinner or drinks?" If you would like your birthday to be remembered, it sounds like you need to take the responsibility with this particular group of people and organize something for yourself.

You can't really change other people's behavior. You can only change how you react to it. After 20 years of being friends with this person and being related to your family for even longer, you know that this is the way they are, and you need to stop expecting anything at all.

Happy belated birthday! :-)

~Kyanna

Answer 2

You're not being a wimp, it is hurtful when people forget your birthday, and you have a right to be upset. As for your best friend, if they are truly apologetic, then by all means forgive them and move on. If they don't even seem to be sorry, you might want to rethink the level of your friendship with them. But don't over think this - if your best friend has given you support and encouragement and you enjoy spending time together, let it go.

Answer 3

Not in the least bit being a pansy - you are being human. Your feelings got hurt.

The ONLY good thing to do is to think about the person - you know them - was this intentional? If you can honestly say it was unintentional you have no chice but to forgive and move on and be happy. They are going to fel bad when they realize and that can heal your wound.

What you are feeling is totally normal!

Answer 4

well you can let them know that it hurt your feelings but otherwise there isn't much you can do but try to accept it yourself that folks didn't remember, cuz really no one is under any obligation to remember your birthday, not even your family, unfortunately, and some folks don't think they are as important as other folks so they might not even understand why it is important to you. let them know that it is, but after that, you just have to accept them how they are.

Answer 5

no actually, maybe youre family just forgot, a good revenge technique would be to send a huge gift basket saying " happy
______ birthday *your name here* on the card.
theyll feel totally feel guilty. theyll think the gift basket was from them and they will send it to you and call you on the phone saying. " sorry i forgot your birthday".
hearing their guilt ridden voice vvill give you such a revenge
rush it will be a birthday present from yourself LiTERALLY!

Answer 6

IT's time you don't put too much importance on birthdays. Stop expecting and stop sending them wishes too.

Answer 7

You're right in feeling hurt. I would tell them.