Family problems. I hate my mother?

Question

My mother has never been what you would call a mother. She is a very selfish person. When I was young she used to go out with her friends and sleeping with other men 7 nights a week. I had suffered depression for many years and she has offered me no support, I was bullied at school and she couldnt care less. She never tried to hide the fact that she has always favoured my brother over me. She is a horrible person with a vile attitude and has done nothing for me. My nan brought me up because she couldnt be bothered.
My brother has recently had children and my mother dotes on them, she bends over backwards for them.
I recently asked her why she does this and she said 'its her chance to put things right where they went wrong with me' as if im damaged goods. If thats the case shouldnt she be trying to put things right with me instead of pushing me and her mistakes under the carpet?
I am now pregnant and I dont want her near me or my child, am I wrong to do this?

Thank you for your lovely answers everyone x

I dont want her dote on my children like she does with my brothers because she has no morels and her prioreties are all wrong and her bad attitude and the way she views life is rubbing off on them, they have no respect and are very naughty and destructive. I dont want my child in that kind of environment.

Even though she is trying to put things right by doting on the grandchildren, she has made no effort to put things right with me!
The only time she phones me is when I have to give her money for a bill.

Answer 1

Is there anyway that you and your mother could sit down and talk about the issues at hand? Have you ever let her know about how you felt going up in a situation like this? Is there a chance that she doesn't know what she did affected you the way that it did? You being pregnant --- are you going to have support and help during this pregnancy? I am not saying that you are wrong if you have tried to speak with her and no change happened. Just think about this long and hard she is your mother and did give birth to you. If you have tried for this relationship to build and she is putting forth no effort then by all means I do agree with you.

Answer 2

The old addage would usually be no matter what , she is still your mother, but that should work both ways you are her daughter and as it sounds to me it possibly is to late for her to start being a good mother to you, she might find it more difficult to try and put things right, and in a lot of cases its easier to stay as she is than lose her pride and try and change. you sound like you have turned out the opposite of her and will i bet turn out to be a very good mother to your child which in someways is due to the determination that you would not want to turn out like her. As for you being damaged goods, its not you who has the problem, and you will probably never know why she has always been like this with you, the thing is you have two lives to cope with and i think this will make you the stronger person for it in the long run ... and the better... all the best fez

Answer 3

I can't really answer that for you because only you know for sure how you feel and what you can and cannot put up with. I will tell you this, however: "Hating" is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. Many people have parents who were less than ideal; it's easy to recall chapter and verse of every shortcoming they've exhibited. The thing is, we don't usually realize the wisdom of forgiveness until we've had a few parental shortcomings of our own. Forgiveness is vital, not for the sake of those who have transgressed against us, but for our own sakes, because resentments are cancers that feed off of our souls. Good, bad, indifferent or flawed, we only get one mother per lifetime...and when she's gone, she's gone. You may be surprised to discover you won't necessarily feel the way you think you'll feel when that day comes, so try to make some peace now while the time is upon you.

Answer 4

Despite the way you feel towards your mother she has inadvertently taught you the lessons you need to make your life a success .

You recognise all the faults and I imagine you do all you can to avoid making the same mistakes with your own life .

No woman will ever be able to accept that she has been a failure as a mother and so your mum pretends it never happened

The damage is done and nothing can ever repair it .

It is better that you get on with your life with the sure knowledge that you are doing it right because you learnt the hard way how to do it wrong .

In time you will come to understand that your relationship with your own children owes a great deal to the lack of relationship between yourself and your mother .

Whether she wanted to or not your mom has made you a better person than she will ever be .

Our childhood ceases to be of importance once we ourselves have a child to care for , put the past behind because your own child's security depends on yourself accepting that you never had the love you deserved and you no longer need it .

Your child is your future and the past is irrelevant .

Good Luck .

Answer 5

When you married it was to your husband and mother stays in the background! How would you like it if his mother and father were in the house while you were not at home? Jeeze A man' should be able to come home and open up a beer and make a sandwich and get out of the work clothes in peace without either parents there to freaking BUG YOU! Do you have a job? Cut the apron strings and act like a married woman! Parents should only be invited and not just show up! Your marriage home is sanctuary for you both! I have adult kids and would NEVER show up without a call! That is their time alone! I sure as hell would not want them showing up without a call! Emergencies are the exception.

Answer 6

I am 53 yrs old, and I have spent my life knowing that my mother didn't want children....she ended up having 5. She was, and is, emotionally immature. Her own father died when she was 12, and she was the only daughter; her mother favoured the sons, and forced my mother out to work. My dad was much older than her; I always felt she "married her father".
I'm the oldest. When I arrieved, she felt that I might replace her in my father's affections; so I became a battered child; as did my brother who came soon after me; as did the youngest, who was a bit unexpected.
I grew up afraid of all adults, afraid to speak, to think even. she lied constantly to my father about what bad kids we were...tried to make him think we were little demons and deserved to be beaten.

I have tried over the years to understand her background and why she is the way she is...I think I just wanted a mother really; tried for years to make her happy...I was wasting my time....her mind was set in such a way that she though she was the centre of the family....the whole universe revolved around her.

I finally confronted her about how I felt; I was in my late forties, a grandma myself, and she slapped me across the face , and went to see a solicitor about having me sued for libel. thankfully, my brothers and sisters backed me up all the way.

I don't see her at all now; I have given up any contact I had. I feel I'm healthier for it. She, too, has begged for money for bills from my siblings, not from me. I feel the presence of evil when I am in her company.

You are not alone. Stop trying. Stay away from her. Change your phone number. don't visit her, don't ask her to yours. You don't need this in your life. You are a strong person who overcame impossible odds to be the person you are today. stop looking for her approval; she is a flawed human being and you will never change her.

Answer 7

Don't feel bad about not wanting her in your life. It is the responsibility of a good mother to protect her children from all evil even if it comes in the form of a grandmother.

The next time this conversation comes up with regard to making things right. Tell her this....Well mom, you could start with a sincere apology to ME...I am right here and still kicking in spite of you. What are your plans to make things right with ME, now?

Do not expect a satisfactory answer.

Answer 8

No that's not wrong at all and to be honest i think that is the best thing you can do right now. Your mother seems like she didn't care then and she still doesn't now. Life is enough to handle on it's own and the last thing you need is negative people around you. Do what's right for you and your baby.

Just remember don't make decisions to make other people happy. Do what's right for you and your baby, yea i know it's your mother but you really don't need the xtra stress.

Congrats and best of luck. x x x

Answer 9

You're only looking to protect yourself and your child. Would it make you feel any better if she were to dote on your child like she does your brother's, or would you be more upset if she didn't?

I think we all need to do things to protect ourselves from being hurt. It's not like your Mom didn't just buy you a new car when you were of age and that's why you can't stand her. But we all have to do things for the better of our families that we don't like. If I were you, I wouldn't seek out your Mom to spend time with you (before or after your child is born) but I would allow her to call me. If she asks to come visit, opt to go visit her instead. This way you can control how long you stay, and as soon as she starts in on you, make an excuse to leave.

Answer 10

Stick with your gut instinct and keep her away from your child. You don't owe her anything and she doesn't deserve the opportunity to try to make up for what she has done. She was and is an adult and should have taken her responsibilities more seriously.
Make sure you stick to your decisions, it's very easy to let people in when you have a new baby as you are more vulnerable. Make sure your nearest and dearest know your views and make sure they abide by what you want.