Is it fate telling me to just let go and move on?

Question

My heart aches to see my granddaughter and visit my son and his wife.

In recent months I have been told my visits are putting stress on their marriage. Also all plans they invited me to do with them were cancelled without telling me until I showed up. I am told that visiting me is too far and too expensive. Recently they agreed to let my granddaughter visit me while they were driving pass from a trip to Canada, then cancelled because they signed her up for camp to start when they returned.

Since this began, they have traveled three times with her parents to Canada and Florida. Also my son fixes up her parents rental properties that takes the same amount of time to drive to as to my home.

My son told me to deal with the cards dealt and life is not always fair. He yelled at me but now has told his family I escalated and yelled at him. I apologized just to reach peace, but he still refuses to talk to me.

We were always close; this is so out of character for him. When I used to visit, I bought groceries, helped him fix and clean his house and baby sat while they worked. I thought his wife liked me and enjoyed my visits (that took a lot to arrange my job around their needs).

I can’t help crying sometimes. In general though, it seems like an omen telling me to get a new life, meet new friends and start dating again. I suppose I will survive, I just don’t understand what I did to make my family squeeze me out. The last thing my son said was I need to move closer if we want our relationship to survive, but when I began to look for homes there, is when all this began.

Answer 1

This is a really difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. People do not react this way without cause. There has to be a reason why your son isacting this way and keeping your grand daughter away form you. As far as fate telling yu to let go, that to me would never happen. Love never tells you to give up on family. We all come to a point where we can't do anything else and we have exhausted all of our resources. That is the time when we have faith. It seems that distance is a big issue, although not the real issue, so write letters. Don't expect anything back but write letters. While you are doing so do not blame anyone for anything or point fingers or even talk about emotions. Just remind him that you still exist. I would tell you to allow time to heal any wounds and occupy your time with other things and people. Just have faith.

Answer 2

My heart breaks for you and I will keep you especially close in my prayers. Estrangement from loved ones is nearly as painful as a death -- except that death is final. It would be easy to say you should just move on and 'get over it'. However, I too, am a mother with a grown son and a grandchild and I live quite a distance from them. I can't imagine having this happen even though when my son was younger we did have a period of estrangement while he lived a pretty seedy life. Our relationship improved once he became a parent. I wouldn't just pull the plug Mom. You need to get together (even if it's for one last time) to clear the air on just what has caused what appears to be a problem with no solution (although I don't believe there's such a thing -- pure optimist, full of hope as long as there's life). You need to meet at a location somewhere in between your homes to have a face-to-face talk. I don't think it's fair for you to have to try to imagine or 'guess' what may have caused your son's decision to cut you out of their lives. If it's the fact that he has chosen to cling instead to his wife's family -- find out why he felt that to love and be close with her family he needed to ice you out! Love should never divide, it should always multiply! Ask him straight up what position, if any, you will have in his family. Ask straight up if there was something you said or did that upset him or his wife -- you can't 'fix' something if you don't know what's broken. Finally, tell him that you love him and his family and that it is breaking your heart that he has made it all but impossible for you to see your grandchild. Perhaps you can at least come to some understanding that will not leave you feeling isolated and confused. Most importantly, meet in a neutral setting where everyone will 'play fair' and insist there be mutual respect and no shouting. Have respect for each other -- this isn't about winning or who is right or wrong. No one wins if their ego is more important than getting to the root of the difficulty. And pray, always pray for the Lord to put the right words in your mouth that will spark healing and love.

Answer 3

Dear grandparent, if what you are saying is everything to the story, you did nothing. It's your daughter-in-law and son who are the troublemakers. You are the innocent in the equation and it's only natural you're sad. You have done what any good mother/grandmother would and should do and this is how they thank you? Your son has nerve saying you have to move closer if you want to salvage the relationship. We live on the opposite coast from our families and we visit them. If he's that concerned, he can move. Do not move to placate your son. I have a feeling he and his wife are selfish and if you move closer, you'll end up as chief cook and babysitter. Sadly, your son is right, life isn't always fair and you have to deal with the cards dealt to you (unfortunately, by them.) Do right by your granddaughter - call when appropriate, send cards/gifts. Keep asking for her to come and visit or offer to go and get her so you can see her. You don't have to grovel - if they won't let you see her, sadly, there's not much you can do there. You do need to be doing other things with your life for you, not because of them but because you need to in order to have balance. You need friends and a social support system. It's not going to be easy but if you have other things to occupy your time, you will have less time to dwell on how hurtful they are to you. I hope you take the time for yourself. You need it.

Answer 4

They will probably not realize what they have done until it is too late. Move closer if that is what you wish to do, and call occasionally just to hear from them. Send birthday/holiday cards. You can even invite them to your home. Do all the things YOU should be doing as a parent/grandparent. In the end, you'll know you did the right thing, did nothing to escalate any disagreements, and whatever they choose to do will be on them. Some people are just strange. In the mean time, busy yourself with things you wish to do. Enjoy life, travel/spend time with friends. This will help you not to dwell on this family crisis. So sorry this is happening to you. Good luck!

Answer 5

Yours is a truly sad story. It seems obvious that there are certain acrimonious dynamics at work here that you've either chosen not to share or are yourself unaware of. Assuming the latter is the truth, how is your relationship with your son's wife? Oftentimes when family members act uncharacteristically distant coercion at the hands of a spouse is the usual culprit. Your son may be in the unenviable position of trying to keep peace with his wife who (for whatever reason) may be harboring resentments towards you. The problem is, without knowing for sure (that is, without confirmation of that fact) there is no way to rectify the situation, so for your own peace of mind it's vital that you get to the root of the problem as soon as possible. Search your memory: are there any issues that come to mind which may have made her uncomfortable? Drinking issues? Jokes that weren't well-received? And can you pin-point exactly when you began noticing a change in their behavior? I suspect the answer may lie in an analysis of things of this nature. If after careful soul-searching nothing comes to mind, it may be time to have a candid talk with your son to get his input. I am sorry for your pain, and I hope this can be resolved to your satisfaction. (Do your best to listen intently to whatever is said without reacting vehemently....remember, your ultimate goal is repairing your strained family dynamics, not winning a pissing contest.) Good luck to you.

Answer 6

Whatever it is that occurred to change your son's attitude toward you, he's obviously got some problems dealing with it directly.

Does he suspect you of doing something with your grandchild that you shouldn't have? I hope not. Such suspicions are very difficult to clear up.

Does your son have a history of emotional turbulence or hostility? The "deal with the cards dealt" remark is ridiculous! Children don't speak that way to a parent!

Another possibility is his wife. Perhaps she just wants her husband all to herself and her family. There are selfish people like that in the world and I am amzed at how many there are!

My opinion, based on your story, is that your son is immature and needs to manage his life better, especially his relationships. You two need to talk very seriously.

Answer 7

Your issues are deep and complex, so the only way I can answer is to be short and to the point;

#1 you are not a victim, so stop acting like one
#2 Somehow,some way you have entered into a power struggle with his wife
#3 you never cut your apron strings
#4 your relationship with your son has strange dynamics in it that reach far beyond the years he has known this woman
#5 you can live without having to start a new relationship,, part of your tension with your son right now is, you maybe too clingy, you seem affraid to live alone
#6 give him sometime and he will reach out to you
I will pray for you, you are after all a mother and a grand mother, this should be the GLORY of your days not filled with this kind of concerns, so why not let go and let GOD?

if your cause be Aright, the lord will make a way for you, be patient, loving and less concerned for yourself and life will straigten out its course :)

Good luck and relax...

Answer 8

I don't think you can or should blame yourself. You shouldn't have to change where you live to receive phone calls and letters. Relationships can happen long distance, but it seems he is not willing to work on this, so you shouldn't go out of your way to move. Most likely things will not change.

He is obviously the problem. His marriage might be falling apart as well and he is probably looking for someone to take it out on.

If he is asking you to get out of his life, you should do it as soon as possible. Adjust your will and make sure the brat gets nothing. If you don't have anyone in your life who obviously cares about you and takes care of you, leave anything you have to charity.

Go out and make friends and build new relationships. It seems easier to deal with the pain of someone leaving you by replacing them with somebody else.

Answer 9

It may have something to do with you "helping" them with their home when you visit. A lot of wives don't like it when another woman, especially a mother or mother-in-law, cleans their home for them or "fixes" things in their home. It's often perceived as "I don't like the way you keep house" or "you don't do a good job cleaning" or "I do this better than you". It's kind of the equivalent of a man giving financial handouts to a father/husband, like "here is the money to make up for what you aren't providing for your family by yourself". Which is often just how the husband/father sees it rather that what is actually intended. It can make him feel like a failure. The same is for women and the care of their homes and kids. That can be very stressful on a marriage. From experience (my mother in law constantly "fixed" my shortcomings), it can be insulting, even if it's not intended that way (but mind did mean it that way). For example, I finally told her to back of and quit "cleaning" my house and making comments about my parenting skills (coming from a woman who never cooked for her kids unless it was microwavable mac'n'cheese, while I actually cook for my family). I told her "sorry, but I work full-time, I'm in grad school 3 hours from here, and my husband works odd hours, so I have to manage school and all the cleaning/cooking by myself when I'm home as well as a toddler by myself. I don't get to spend all my days cleaning and watching TV and napping. I do things by myself. I don't want your help because I'm sick of hearing about it." Her response? "It's OK if you don't keep house. ________ (my husband, her son) has never lived clean." Wow, salt in an open wound. That was the last time she was in our home when I was there. I'm only saying, maybe she finds it offensive when another woman is trying to outdo her in her own home (I mean if she perceives it that way). Maybe she doesn't want help and feels like you are being pushy. Next time you visit, try not doing anything but playing with your grandkids and see what happens. Just a suggestion.

Answer 10

I understand where your coming from. My mom feels like that sometimes too but we didnt try to "squeeze" her out. Sometimes your family might feel that your help is unnecessary as harsh as that might sound but sometimes it's better to move on. Try to visit them less. Absence make the heart grow fonder.

Also, going out and finding newer things to do can be fun and mind opening. Try to contact old friends to catch up. Or try volunteering. It actually help release stress. Try volunteermatch.com. Great site that's what i did. There's more to life than just family. good luck and i hope things work out for you.