I love my mother dearly, but she has some major problems that she needs to work through, one of which involves letting me live my own life. I am an adult, married and have my own children. My mother, however can't seem to realize that she can't control my decisions, and refuses to "cut the tie" so to speak. I feel like she's trying to involve in my life so that she won't have to be alone (she doesn't want to stay with dad). She cannot make her own decision and when things go badly, she always comes to me, (the eldest in the family) for rescue. I've tried talking to her, but she says it is my responsibility to help her. It's to the point where it's interfering with everything else in my life and I have tried to break out of that so that we can BOTH move on with our own lives. The problem is she is my mother and I can't cut contact forever but this is not the first time. Every time I show concern, the problem will come haunt me again. This has happened many many times. What should I do?
2007-08-12 20:48:03 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
mum is negative towards life. she feels the whole world owe her and always see things at her own perspective. She feels she is the most pitiful person in the world and never show sympathy on those who is far less fortunate. I am confident that she has the ability to help herself but didn't want to. She just want to cling on someone to solve her problems.
2007-08-19 19:21:11 · update #1
how can I contact her? I am afraid she will again throw me with her problems/complaints and says those negative things and thus disturb my peace of mind and sanity and again my life will be upside down. I am worry...... but I hope I can do my part by visiting her.
2007-08-19 19:29:18 · update #2
YOU AIN'T PREACHING TO THE CHOIR! my mom does the same thing. Right now as we speak i am at a college that i don't want to be at but she is making me go to, taking classes i hate, majoring in something that was "close" to what i wanted. Honey what are we to do? I know while i transfer, you talk to her AFTER decisions are made, and sit her down, tell her that you love her but this bull is going to stop today. Yeah she'll cry but so will you eventually if you don't. Feel better?lol
2007-08-20 13:10:04 · answer #1 · answered by dt 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is hard when you have a parent like that, the best bet is for you to wait till she truly gets it, and if she does not then you must still wait. One day she will understand that you can't solve her problems and that all you can do is be there as dauther and mother but not as her counsler. You might want her to go and get help so that she can find some out let on her life. Don't feel like a bad daughter because she wants you to feel that way, only if you know you could do more and your not.
2007-08-20 17:56:20 · answer #2 · answered by LittleDaisy. 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, this sounds familiar. I show respect to my mom the best way that I can.
I make sure I call my mom when I have plenty of time to listen. I then listen (an hour or so) and I don't expect her to change at all. I don't tell her what to do.
It has taken me a long time to get to this point with her but that is what I do. I also live far enough away so that it is too difficult for face-to-face trips.
Remember she is an adult and she chooses her life and attitude. You can just learn from her; she seems to be educating you on what not to do.
2007-08-20 10:23:46 · answer #3 · answered by Niko- 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell her that you love her very much, but you are going to have to spend more time taking care of your husband and children. Tell her that you will try to call her once a week or so, but that you feel that you have been neglecting your family lately. Tell her that the stress is starting to get to you, and right now you can not deal with anyone elses problems but your own. If she wants to talk about it, tell her that you would rather handle it yourself. Then if she continues to interfere in your life, tell her that you think that she needs to let go, and get some therapy. Tell her that if she continues to try to make her problems your responsibility, you will have to be rude, and that you don't want to because you love her. She may get a bit angry, but if you stand strong, she will eventually get over it.
2007-08-12 21:02:45 · answer #4 · answered by PEGGY S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Although your mom is not drinking to my knowledge, this is some alcoholics way of dealing. Regardless of her drinking status, I know you can find the answers and peace you are seeking in Alanon. It should be somewhere close to you no matter where you live. If you can't find it, call AA, they will know where it is. Remember, she does not have to be drinking for you to have need of the skills you can find and learn to use in this 12 step program. It sure can't hurt, and it may just be your solution. They won't tell you what to do, only what they did that worked for them. Things like detaching from her with love. Hope you take me up on this. Good luck!
Blessed Be
2007-08-20 05:32:57 · answer #5 · answered by Linda B 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be there however limit your contact with her.
Cut down on phone calls and/or visits.
When you speak to her talk only of positive things.
Try not to involve her in your life by not talking about your relationship and or your family. Then she won't be able to comment on your life or what you should be doing.
When it comes to her....respond with Oh really, oh my and how does that make you feel......add nothing else and then she won't be able to pass the blame or rely on you for further advice....if you limit your answers she will have to seek assistance from someone else.
best wishes....hard to pull back from someone you love however when it is bringing you down....you have to do something.
2007-08-12 21:33:01 · answer #6 · answered by travelingirl005 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your mother needs to understand that you have your own life to live and that she can visit and call occasionally, but she cannot smother your life. She needs to understand that your priorities have changed and that you have responsibilites to look after other than her. If you allow your mother to crash your life, then nothing but bad can happen of it, and cause marriage problems for you and your wife. Your mother cannot make you feel bad in order to get your help. She needs to respect your distance and understand the situation. You need to tell her that you love her, but you have a life of your own. Let her know that you're not doing it to hurt her, but doing it for the sake of your own family, and her!
2007-08-20 04:23:26 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her that she has other children and that you are a grown up and that she is too. Also tell her that if she inter-fears with important daily life for stupid things that she can certainly take care of herself, then you will change your phone number and not have any contact with her for a week and do it. This means also shutting the door in her face.
2007-08-12 20:54:08 · answer #8 · answered by RedRabbit 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is called "Family" we don't get to pick them so in all reality, we are stuck with them. Even "Family" can only do to you what you allow them to do, now if you were to nip whatever the underlying problem is here, all will be well. This thing with your Mom just didn't happen, it has been building and now you are feed up, and the truth in that is, no one can tell you when "you" have had enough, it will just happen. Once it happens, it is done. God Bless.
2007-08-18 23:36:50 · answer #9 · answered by Bethy4 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
After reading your question, it is very clear to me that your Mother needs professional help. She is apparently very miserable with her life and is reaching out for help. You might have to offer to go to counseling with her in order to get her to go, but I am sure you and your family can figure a way to get her the help which she so desperately needs.
2007-08-18 11:55:51 · answer #10 · answered by jcf6865 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋