Fighting with my girlfriend(again); I'm tired of having this thrown in my face?

Question

I've asked this before and it's pretty much rhetorical, but it helps me exorcise my extreme exasperation:

Is it possible for a woman to EVER get over being cheated on? I've admitted it, I've apologized until I'm blue in the face, and yes, I know it's been more than one time, but I can't go back and change the past, can I?

Whenever we fight, why is this always the first accusation thrown in my face? It's like those times I've cheated in the 9 years we've been together totally makes anything I ever do that she doesn't agree with my fault, whether there's merit to her feelings or not.

Right now, she's mad at me for some trivial thing, but does she yell at me for that? No, I get yelled at by her for cheating. I'll admit, her life would be better if she'd never met me, but what's done is done, so why can't she move on and let us concentrate on the future?

I don't really expect any sympathy here, but it would be nice. Does anyone agree with me on this?

Answer 1

Honey, it is not likely she will forget. She might forgive, but she will not forget. Once the relationship is breached like this, it changes the whole structure. A woman has the subconscious urge for Security. Once she doesn't feel secure anymore, the relationship is a roller coaster. Also, this is very important. A man retains memory of something bad that happened. He remembers events and that they were painful. A woman however retains the FEELING of how they felt, not just the memory.
I bet she tries to focus on the future, but with her subconscious ringing those alarm bells, it is very difficult.

Answer 2

When you cheat on a lady she is scared for life. Even though they say they have gotten over it they truly haven’t. They can forgive but not forget. Cheating is the absolute most horrible thing you can do in a relationship. It’s basically beating the crap out of her mentally. Its worse then being physically beaten. I say this because I know from experience. I know not all women are the same but some of us feel the same after the fact. The reason she throws it in your face after everything you may put in her face is because its something that she holds so highly over you. It’s her way of making you feel so guilty. So even if she told you a white lie in her eyes its justification for you cheating on her. She may not realize she is doing this, and I know that many will tell you that it’s not true and blah blah because well quite frankly some women are just dumb and lack all common sense. Most people live in a box and only see what’s inside. That’s where your woman is. The only thing she can concentrate on now is if you are going to cheat on her again and I will tell you this now the trust she had for you is drained and its going to be a long rough ride to getting it back. So think on this... if you love her enough then stick it out with her but realize that no matter how many times you tell her that you love her and you will never do it again she will not believe you for a long time to come. I don’t know what else to tell you to make you feel any better about the situation but like you said what’s done is done you cant change the past. But if you ever even get close to cheating on her again you better say your goodbyes to her. Because if you need to have sex with other people your better off single.

Answer 3

Some people can bear a grudge forever - or use it as a handy weapon, any time, appropriate or not. Some people (I won't say particularly women, but there, I've said it!) make uproar to relieve their feelings about something altogether different from what the uproar is supposedly about. You could ask her what is really upsetting her, now - and risk having her go for you with a kitchen knife, or be accused of patronizing her, or whatever. Or you could just apologize sincerely, again, and let the storm pass. Either way, you can't win. So perhaps you should just tell her you don't want to play emotional football any more - and take what comes. Or go to a psychiatrist or something together - if she'll go! Otherwise ...... I'd walk. No good whipping dead horses. Better all round to take your lumps, I think. Nothing works so well as clarity.

Answer 4

Sure I agree with you. Though mind you I will say once a cheater is always a cheater, sorry. But yea, she will never fully move on until she forgives you in her own way. And evidently she is still hurting too much on the inside to properly heal. So she thinks its better to be on the defensive and make you hurt like she hurt when you cheated on her. The best bet for you here is to pretty much break things off with her. Because you are at least trying to be a realist about things. But for her she is just trying to act brave by attacking you with your mistakes. She isn't healing she is actually getting worse by the day. So I think for all parties involved is for her to move on without you around so she can access what really happened and why you would cheat and things like that. And you need to heal as well because you are only driving yourself up the wall thinking that things will change because you are back with her even though you cheated. It just doesn't work that way in life. People need to heal properly so they can move on with a lesson to learn from. If neither party does that, then they are holding one another back from true personal growth.

Answer 5

I've been on both sides. In regards to her side, she will never be able to "get over" the cheating. Once she's been hurt, she will never forget the pain you caused her. When ya'll fight and she throws that in your face, deal with it. You are going to have to. Now on the other hand, you are absoulutely right. You can't change the past. Nothing you can do will ever change the fact that you cheated. You will just have to deal with that too. The only thing you can do is tell her how sorry you are and you will never cause her that pain again.

Answer 6

The answer is yes, but she's got to want to get over it first.

As it was you who did the cheating, by telling you how to help her get over it, I feel I'm condoning cheating by proxy, but here goes anyway:

The most powerful feelings we have are physical feelings, sometimes referred to as emotions; they originate in the body and are caused by a combination of chemicals. Feelings can be both good and bad. When a person hits peak feeling, anything that's around them that can act as a cue gets locked into that feeling, so that when the cue is used again, the feelings come flooding back. The cue can be physical (a touch), visual (a place/person/expression) or auditory (tone of voice/fav song).

So it follows that when you told her you had cheated on her, the feelings that she created were anchored to YOU. It may be a tone of voice, it may be an expression you use, or it may be the whole of you - I don't know, I wasn't there when you told her, but rest assured the cue to set her off is in you.

The key to stopping her throwing her feelings at you is to collapse the anchor that sets them off, and this is done by finding an opposing great feeling. So make her feel as good as you possibly can - preferably by using a feel good memory that doesn't involve you, and take her back into it - get her to relive the experience. As she goes into the memory, watch her and smile a really good, heartfelt smile - and make it genuine. Do this a couple of times, then try smiling without asking her to relive the experience - watch to see if she gets those great feelings again. It may take a bit of practice, but what you're doing is cueing the best positive feeling you can possibly get from her into your smile. Work on it, until you can get her everytime with that smile of yours. Then, the next time she brings the cheating up, hit her with it. Apologise, say sorry, smile and mean it.

If you get it right, and she's ready to let go, this will collapse the horrible feeling of cheating and make it go away. A word of warning though - you really are on your last chance here, and if you win her back, you'll lose her for good if you ever cheat again.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

If I were in a relationship and the guy cheated on me, the relationship would be over. Obviously, she has not forgiven you. To stay in a relationship and harbor such resentment [as she's doing] to me is self-destructive and pointless.

If she is going to stay in the relationship with you, she needs to agree to counseling to see if you guys can get past this. If she will not agree, you ought to consider finding another relationship or being single. Otherwise, learn to endure it. But keep in mind that eventually the relationship will bleed to death from this if nothing is done to stop the hemorrhaging.

Now, I like you a whole lot, so don't take this personally. But it needs to be said as a general statement for you and anyone reading this: Please make sure you learn from your mistake. Next time, don't cheat on the person you love, because you will pay for it, one way or another. If you want to mess around, be single. If you want to be in a relationship, be faithful.

Answer 9

My ex-wife cheated on me in 1999. (you notice I said ex)?

I tried to put it behind us but I could not and I can not even to this day.

SHE HURT ME VERY BAD, (it still hurts). Do I hate her? no! Do I hate what she did? With evey breath I take!

I did try to get over it, I let her and her little girl move back into the small bed room, hopeing (I) could get over it.

But every time she would come into my bedroom at night and try to get in bed with me I just could not allow it, I would put her out of my room and lock my door and she would say "but I am your wife", and all I could say was "You should have thought abou that before you cheated on me and ruined or family".

Finally I told her to pack her things and leave because I would through it up in her face, about what she had done, and I realized that was not fair to her or to the little girl.

I helped her get her own apartmant and car and I even still baby sat her daughter for awhile until I found out she had another guy move into the apartment I had helped her get (it wasn't even the same guy she had cheated on me with).

Anyway I know I am going on about this but you do need to understand AND SO DO OTHERS READING THIS...

BEING CHEATED ON IS THE WORST PAIN I HAVE EVER FELT...AND IT MAY NEVER GO AWAY.

GOD BLESS YOU BOTH WE WILL PRAY FOR YOU

By the way Jack I found this question when I was checking out your questions and answers from my (list).
I am from the R&S section remember me?

Answer 10

No Jack. Your toast .. lol !

Vegemite on toast actually. Smeared with hot butter.. yum.
Now see what trouble you cause? You're such a cheater, Jack. The good news is, once you get over this lil hurdle for the ninety ninth time.. making up still feels good ... so hang in there and give it your best shot.