I'm a divorced woman (no kids). I've been a co-worker & friends with a man (never married, no kids) for more than 6 years. He's very popular, funny, attractive... he's like an old "Rock" God -- musician/singer -- However, since I've known him he's dated very little -- even though girls like him a lot! I've always been attracted to his persona and since Feb. 2007 we've been dating on & off and gotten closer. We're always laughing & we can talk for hours about nothing in particular. We are very much alike & compatible. I am a smitten kitten! I know he's attracted to me and he's drunkenly told me how much he loves me...Problem: We have only kissed passionately a few times --we've literally slept together -- but, we haven't had sex!! I'm nervous, too - but he must have deep intimacy issues & maybe he's waiting for the "next best thing". Can I help him learn intimacy? Is it possible for an lonely old guy to stop looking for a greener grass .. and see the beauty that's in front of him?
2007-08-12 09:44:41 · 11 answers · asked by Claudia 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
"Intimacy" = hugging, holding, kissing for long periods of time, sexual closeness. Last year he had testicular cancer & had one testicle removed .. No more cancer, but possibly now impotent...? We have openly talked about having sex, but, no move has been made. ...I don't want to push, but, I'm kinda frustrated. No, he's not hiding another woman or is gay. He owns his home -- I usually end up going over to his place on our dates. By "on & off" -- I have dated other guys in the last 6 months - none seriously - more because I wasn't getting the intimacy from him that I crave. He has not dated other women. Another thing: he tends to drink beer a lot ... I think it makes him more comfortable with intimacy -- but, it also tends to end our dates with us passing out. He's stubborn (like me!) and awhile ago he commented he doesn't like to have obligations. He's been hurt in the past (who hasn't?) & has not had any long term or "just sex" relationships. How do I calm his fears??
2007-08-12 10:31:56 · update #1
You can help him. Bring it up, ask him about his past. Ask him how he feels about serious relationships. Tell him how much you enjoy your time together! Good Luck!
2007-08-12 10:01:03 · answer #1 · answered by Tom T 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
More info is needed.
When you say "intimacy" do you mean sex? a relationship? Or a relationship that leads to sex?
Why are you on and off If you both are childless? Are you dating others? You mentioned he hasn't dated much since you've known him. He can't use work as an excuse b/c you work together and you would know about his work load
Based on what you've written the possible reasons for his attitude are:
1. Reluctant to get involved with a co-worker
2. Secretly has a woman/child
3. Waiting for the "next best thing"
4. Impotent
5. Has an STD
6 Views you as a great friend
7. Gay
8. Has a strange sexual kink he's afraid you won't be into
9 Cultural/Religious beliefs forbid him from having sex unless he is in a committed relationship/married
10 Extreme insecurity about his penis size
PS You can't help/teach or change him unless HE wants to be helped/taught or changed and that may take a lot more influence than you alone can provide
Cancer can be rough I'm sorry. If you've talked about it but haven't done it, it may be that he has performance fears, even though he is cancer free he is probably apprehensive about taking it to the next level. This probably explains the heavy drinking as well. Not liking to have obligations is a statement men make when they don't want exclusivity.
He doesn't want to call you every night or go out to dinner every Sunday etc. Do you know anything about his past relationships or better yet do you know any of his exes. They could give you better insight into his personality
2007-08-12 10:01:27 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is one wounded soldier. Testicular cancer or any cancer for that matter can really take the wind out of someones sails. There is a chance he is totally impotent. If he has had the courage to tell you he had that cancer i bet he could tell you how he feels. Maybe simply asking is all you have to do. He might not be looking for the next best thing he might simply have accepted being single and might have stopped looking simply because he is tired of games and deception and being made a fool. He might also simply have very little desire for romance testosterone is very important in a guys body and can influance our sex drive a lot. He probably has a bit lower amount of testosterone and that might be haveing multiple different effects on him.
2007-08-19 16:28:06 · answer #3 · answered by hmeetis 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As an older male who has a lot of female friends I would say he has been hurt deeply at one time. I like having the ability of having the friends and with no one getting upset if I talk to a different woman. Yes, he probably is worried about the intimacy part people think guys have no feelings but when you get hurt bad you never want to experience it again. I know it works both ways. If you had sex and then were tossed out of his life wouldn't that hurt?
I've been called alot of things by women because I will not sleep with them. But the thing is that the majority of my women friends are married and I will not do that. Gay....idiot...sumbitch...oh well. I think you should be glad to have a friend who you like to talk too and have things in common with. Yes, at this age I am afraid of committment. I have seen too many of my friends go through hell (both sides.) Once the line is crossed it changes the stakes.
2007-08-12 10:46:19 · answer #4 · answered by halfshy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know a man that had testicular cancer and is living with a woman and said he can't have sex because of the cancer and is well that they are together and she understand but she left him in the end by drinking ,medicine,and what he had he can't have sex ask him he may know that already and he should see a doctor if and how he can become sexual active
2007-08-20 05:21:37 · answer #5 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Either dude is gay or confused. If he has to get liquored up then that's a problem. i'd just ask him when he's sober what is it gonna be? Then I'd start stripping in front of him. If he doesn't run and comply than I'd stay. If he does I'd make other arrangements.
2007-08-20 06:09:30 · answer #6 · answered by Sharda8 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, totally sober sit and talk about your feeling for him and your hopes and dreams for your life ! Be honest and completely open !
2007-08-20 09:50:23 · answer #7 · answered by lonewolf 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Il never look at a poodle in the same way again.
2016-05-20 23:24:53 · answer #8 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
maybe he just doesn't know what to do to take it to the next level... just be honest with him.... and tell him the truth... see what happens... :D
2007-08-12 09:49:17 · answer #9 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds like you should make the first move, I would...
2007-08-20 05:53:11 · answer #10 · answered by Genia 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋