Is it wrong to break up with my boyfriend of 2 years while he's deployed? He has been gone 5 months and still

Question

has a year left before he comes home. I don't want to wait a year to tell him. This is his second tour and after he came home last time we broke up about 3 times in the year he was home. The same patterns are starting and I'm just sick of his crap. I know your not suppose to send bad stuff while deployed but why should I also have to suffer though another tour and all the stress that comes with it for a complete a**hole.
Also, is there a good way to pharse it? It doesn't have to do with the war, or even the time he's away. It has to do with HIM, his person, his selfishness, his attitude, his priorities. I give 90% he gives 10% . He just sucks in general. I'm at his beck and call when tours are extended, friends are wounded, missions go bad, when he comes home and his emotions are dead. When things are going well I fall to # 61, after his family, his friends, his platoon, and most likey the dog.

Mustangsally, D-Bo, and Midnight Moon. You have no idea what I've been through with this soldier over the past 2 years...NONE. I have been more than supportive, more than patient, more than caring. I have lost friends and my job to be there for this man. I have dealt with his craziness while he is home, gone to his anger managment classes with him, gone to psychologist to deal with his problems, etc. Not strong? I can take a beating better than most his men I would bet. I'm very strong and even he has told me, " If you were in combat, others would think your brave"
There is no other man and I did leave him 3 times when he was home, but it was HIM who always wanted me back and said things would change. It lasts about 3 weeks and the same patterns start again. It has drained the life blood right out of me.

Proud Marine Wife... I'm a selfish little girl?
When I try and talk with him about it in person he says things to me like "I will smash your face in" or "Your getting to brave...I will either put you in the hospital or kill you"
No, I don't think I'm the one who needs to grow up or being selfish.

Answer 1

I totally agree with Robert S. He has made threats to you. That alone is verbal abuse. Soldier or not it is not acceptable on any level. He really needs help. He has more issues than you can help him with. They are NOT the same people once they've been deployed and I know that first hand. Luckily my husband never came back that disturbed. He had his problems yes, but nothing like that. And to all of you who say all military people put the military first you are soooooooo dead wrong. My children and I never came second to my husband and he made damn sure of it, and that made his command a little upset b/c his life wasn't all about the military. Get out while you can right now. you don't want to face this guy face to face for YOUR SAFETY. That I know first hand from an ex of mine, b/c well let's just say it wasn't pretty and it took many people to get him off me. Your well being should come first right now. It starts as threats and then once he's back and you break up with him face to face you could end up dead, it has happened before. Keep records of everything so when he gets back and causes you trouble you can get a restraining order. Don't listen to these people saying wait till he gets back b/c they are looking out for him not you and your life. That's only asking for trouble. He'll get over it hopefully. I am VERY surprised that his command hasn't realized that his man has these sorts of anger problems. They really need to know. Sounds like to me he has PTSD, along with some other issues. Please be careful.

Answer 2

There is no easy way out of this.

If you are thinking breaking up with him, you probably will eventually. If you are sure that you don't love him, then it would be better to break it off now. He is going through a tough bit already, so it will probably be hard on him. But it is not good to give him a false impression about your relationship.

My girlfriend dumped me while I was in Europe; it was only for a two week tour, but I am glad she sent me the e-mail telling me that we were through. It would have been worse if I had come back home and then get dumped (especially since she was living with another guy by then).

It is a bad situation, but to stay in a loveless relationship is worse for him and you. Just let him don't easy and try not to be spiteful.

Answer 3

You know what....I don't know what's going on, so I'm not going to judge although I may tilt towards your boyfriend's favor due to my bias. I know that many good troops get cheated on or left while they are deployed, including myself. I was in the Marine Corps Infantry for 5 yrs and I was worried about my final tour, because I was afraid of my gf cheating on me, but sucked it up and went back out. The first time my unit went into Fallujah to fight the insurgency, my platoon including myself was permitted one phone call, so I called my gf of the time and she began crying and begged and pleaded for my forgiveness because she cheated on me. Well, I forgave her, but I told her that I couldn't feel the same way about her so it ended right there, and for some reason I did my job 100 times better than before. Not all guys are like this, but I've never had anything my whole life, except for the Marine Corps, and it eased my mind more. Well, moral of the story is, you're most likely going to break up with him anyways, so be honest with him, don't string him along. You two should have ended it before he left. Now you're just added weight on his mind that he doesn't need. But I do suggest something else, at least stay single until a few months after he returns home. That way the break-up isn't shown as product of another man. And I really pray that the reason you are leaving him isn't because you have found another man, because that would be wrong. Even though he may forgive you, would you really want to live with that regret?

From,
Mikey

Answer 4

You're in such a tough position. In my opinion, you shouldn't just stay with him because he is deployed. Have you talked to him about how you feel? Has he seen a therapist?

I believe you should at least attempt to get him to see how you feel about things. I know he's under a lot of pressure, but that doesn't mean he can treat you terribly. There must be something about him to make you stay after the first tour.

As a military girlfriend, you must understand that his platoon will always be up there because they have to all be able to function in order for things to be successful. But, you shouldn't be dead last on his priorities, but a close second.

I do think you should at least talk to him about how you feel before you break things off, though. He is under a lot of stress, and could be severely depressed.

However, you also seem really tired of the relationship. You shouldn't be at his beck and call when bad things happen. Instead, you should feel compassionate enough to want to be there for him. If you aren't, then you really do need to break up with him for both of your sakes.

You can send him a nicely worded letter telling him that while you care for him deeply, the change in his attitude and personality have caused you to feel very used in the relationship and you want out. Or, you can stick it out and see if things change once he gets back home. You can also see if he would like to take a break until he comes back home to see if things change.

Being a significant other to someone in the military is tough, and you just have to learn to be there for them during the good and bad.

Answer 5

well, obviously there was something which attracted you to him. and there was something which kept you together through a previous deployment.

it sounds like he might have ptsd, which can be a reaction to what he's experienced in combat. all the symptoms you mention are a part of ptsd, which isn't as visible as... say, a broken leg, (or a traumatic amputation), but it can be just as disabling. so, if this were a leg which was missing, would you have the same reaction, would you want out, because without that leg he can't take you out dancing?
you've gone to some therapy with him, but, have you actually participated, or have you just gone along, 'to keep the peace' - i suspect the latter, sorry. ptsd can't be 'cured' in just a day, or week, or even a year. and it's a process, learning to live again.
he might be, and probably is, difficult to live with - but, sweetie, you sound like you are somewhat passive-aggressive. so, you goad him and he lashes out.

my suggestion: you print this whole thread out, and mail it to him, snail mail. change your phone number, or just look at the caller id. don't accept further letters from him. and, don't try to understand that not all behavior is voluntary, and that he might be in as much, if not more pain over all this than you are. oh, and don't read the military news, about casualties, since if/when he shows up as listed, you won't have to accept any responsibility for that, either.

Answer 6

Dont stay with him just because he is deployed. You wont really be that much support to him , and thinking you will be there when he comes home will just be a shock when you are not.

Send him a letter and just tell him what you feel. That the breakup while you were home was the right thing to do.

Answer 7

As someone who deployed for 19 months (March 1990-April 1991) and came home to find my wife had been screwing around since day ONE... and after she had cleaned out my accounts, stolen almost everything I owned, etc...

Break it off NOW... it's only fair to him (and you). I would STRONGLY recommend writing a registered letter also to his senior sergeant (or CO if he is an officer) mentioning his threats. Keep copies of that letter, and ANY threats he sends YOU... A restraining order might be in order.

IGNORE those folks here who say you should "support him while he's deployed, dump him when he gets home".

I'm sorry to hear you're out of love, but don't risk YOUR life over his "his selfishness, his attitude, his priorities" as you put it.

Answer 8

A couple of things, if he "loves" you, it'll crush him, may be the straw that breaks the camels back.

Know he's gonna call you a whore to everyone in the military

When I was away on a deployment I would've prefered it if my girlfriend just broke it off, instead of giving me hope on the phone and at the same time be the whore that she is and cheat on me with half the damn population of Oklahoma

EDIT: Also on a very sad note, there was a guy on the base I was stationed with got news that his wife was leaving him, he killed himself that night. It's hard being in Iraq, it's hard being the wife/girlfriend of someone in Iraq, keep that in mind and make sure you're as nice as humanly possible if you break that kind of news.

Answer 9

First, the military comes first to him. Sorry to say that, but it's true. It's the same with all members of the military. They're families are important, but they signed up for this, so they must make the sacrifices. Deployments are rough on these people. My husband came back from Iraq the first time and had PTSD. It was tough, to get through, but being there for him was the most important thing to me. You need to stop being selfish, he has enough to deal with, without having to deal with a selfish little girl like you. He'll be much better off without you.

If you think this is hard for you, think of him. Your here in a free country, while your boyfriend is in danger 24/7. Grow up.

Mustang Sally, You and I seem to be on the same page!

Answer 10

Being a long time army wife I think breaking up with him while he is deployed would be a crappy thing to do. However, waiting a year to do it would be pointless. This is your boyfriend not a husband. I see this all the time, being seperated is hard but it sounds obvious that you are not in love with him anyway. Go on with your life, find whatever makes you happy. Life is too short.

I'm sorry but I had to add this: Not all military men put the military ahead of everyone else. I have been married to a military man for 11 years and he has always put our family first. You are not selfish to want to break up with him. If my man talked to me that way I would leave him too.