To intervene or not to intervene....that is the question?

Question

I have a twenty year old daughter who is Bi-polar. She is not correctly medicated and stays on the manic side for the most part.

A little background first....She spent about 6 years in foster care after she started hurting her baby sister. We didn't yet know what was going on with her; she wasn't diagnosed yet.
The entire time she was in foster care I was behind the scenes ensuring that she got the help she needed and not falling between the cracks of a not so great system. when she was committed they called me to sign for the meds, etc. I was always there even when she had no idea that I was.....

Today she is barely in control of her bi-polar although she is functional for the most part. Along with bi-polar comes a tendency to spend spend spend $$$. She had asked me to help her with her money the beginning of this year; like a payee, after she had racked up several hundred dollars in over draft fees. She had over $1000 in savings just before she moved out a week ago....

Now she has a few hundred left in savings.

My dilemma: I want to go in and remove the little bit of savings she has left and put it into an acocunt where she has to have my signture too in order to take out money. In other words I want to do as I've always done, help her behind the scenes.

My hubby says no. That she has to learn on her own same as we do if we don't handle our money correctly. It hit me like a lead weight when he told me to leave it alone. One of his reasons was because she will blame me, or anyone else, when something goes wrong rather than admit it is her own mistake.

So I ask you: To intervene or Not to intervene?????

I have a way with her that yes, she would let me take care of it. She might get mad for alittle while, but I think she some how understands that without help, that she'll be introuble.

And she's on SSI, so I don't really think she'll qualify for credit cards.

And thank you already, it is diffcult call and I've always needed luck with this child. ; /

Answer 1

Don't Intervene! Those diagnosed with bipolar need to learn lessons too. She's just being irresponsible. She knows she has this mental illness right? Then she knows the responsible thing to do would be to get the condition under control by medication. Let her learn her lesson. She's not going to get credit cards by the history you have presented us with. Let her go, she's a grown woman.

Answer 2

I don't know where you live or how old she is, but I would see if there is a community service such as community mental health and ask them what to do. If she is on SSI then she may qualify for free hospital stay . I know this sounds tough , but I would consider having her commited for a few days so she can be diagnosed, put on stabilizer, gradually and be monitored as well as have accsess to others who have the same disease.

I went to the CMH center and broke down crying , .They got worried about me being alone (I was crashing) . They called the police and had them escort me to the hospital (regular hospital but a locked up ward)

Although I was really angry about them doing that, it was the best thing that ever happened to me health wise. Not one person there wanted to leave. I felt nurtured well fed, and private counseling as well as group.

Because I was on unemployment I was just under the limit to have my stay fee waived. So I got a nice rest and I feel fantastic. Now I go to meetings twice a month.

She may be hatefully angry at you until she realizes how much better she feels and the bonding that can take place with others just like her. I also get my meds free through the same program.

Most importantly get to that Community Mental Health most cities and towns have them. They are the ones who can give you ALL of the resourses and take the action that can help with follow up counseling. My visits are $5.00 I feel like I have a team who cares.

My situation is a mess. My UI ran out and I have no income and have a pending SSDisability, still haven't paid my rent. But you know What? I don't feel like a failure, crying all the time and thinking about throwing in the towel. Plus I'm not doing stupid things and not sleeping for days. Now I sleep like a baby. That's a first!! Emergency room is where she'd go. The charge is seperate... $200.00 or so. Be sure to ask.

If she won't go by herself, make sure she has arrangements..kids, pets, the average stay is 3 - 9 days dependant on your degree. Then call CMH and they will take care of the hard part. But it should be done some where away from the home. That could be awkward.

She sounds extreme and if not treated, eventually she may crash hard enough that you will lose her completly if you understand what I mean. Good luck. My heart goes out to you. ABSOLUTELY YES

Also if some one is talking about hurting themselves, by law you have to step in!

Don't let people like the person above me stear you wrong. People who don't have it think you can snap out of it. It is as real as any other disease! He is giving you stupid nonsense!!

Answer 3

Am not sure what you can do as she is now an adult. But - I would make sure that she can't get any credit cards although I'm not sure how you would go about that. Spending is part of the manic state so unless she is properly medicated and doesn't have access to money - she will continue to try and buy whatever suits her fancy at the moment.

If she is living at home you have more control but I would make sure your credit cards are not available to her & possibly give her an small allowance that would allow her some leeway but not much. I don't think you can commit her to the hospital unless she loses control & has a breakdown of some sort.

Answer 4

Well even though she is a legal adult she still has an illness that would legally qualify her as incompetent to take care of her expenses. I do suggest you do some type of intervention to save her from spending all her money and to help her save what she has left. It makes sense that you would want to help and I hope you get the opportunity to do so.

If you could have a calm conversation with her about signing you power of attorney then you would have control of her assets and could help her a lot along the way.

It just makes sense to help her since she really has no mental capacity to do this on her own.

Hope this helps.

Answer 5

Damned if you do Damned if you dont,Being a mother myself I would say yes,but I also agree with your husband she needs to do this by herself,at the age of 20 she needs to learn how to handle her own money.But like you I would stick around in the background somewhere just to make sure she is ok,and not living on the streets somewhere.Good Luck I Think You Are Going To Need It.

Answer 6

I don't see her as learning how to handle these things. That is why she is on SSI. This is a part of the disease. She needs a payee and someone to dole the money out to her otherwise it will be gone. You are a loving mom. Get support for yourself as you are going through this.

Answer 7

First, just because she has a mental illness does not deem her incompetent. I would, under no circumstances "bail her out" if she gets in a financial mess.I would make that clear to her and then offer to help her manage her money again. And yes, if nothing else I would watch her "behind the scenes", because she is your child.

Answer 8

It's difficult to imagine a more distressing and terrible dilemma. Will she agree with what you propose to do? The key question is not her financial state but what course of action will best help her gain the realization that her disease will not allow her to achieve her goals without medical treatment. Tough call.

Answer 9

Hmm Wow Tnx 4 saharing. Idk cause legally she is an adult. i gained some funds after a major car accident. I was 18 so my prts had no control over it - we founght bout it as well. PS - spent it within 4 mths. If i could do it all over again ...
but at that time there wass no talking 2 me.
=)