Discipline Help?

Question

Okay, this is lonnngg, but here goes...2 of my boys ages 10 & 11, along with one of their friends just 12, said some very NASTY things to my neighbor when they were outside yesterday; 'ha your too weak to start your mower, nice butt, great rack, run over your dog we all hate her' When I get home my neighbor comes to the edge of her lawn andYELLS to me that this is an everyday occurance from mouthy jonny..and that when they are outside, they swear, and cuss at her, and at the other neighbors. She said that when the other nbrs rip on me, she stood up for me, but NO MORE. their mouth/attitude is a reflection on my family and that now she knows the others are correct and I am a horrible so called 'parent' I could not believe this!! No one has ever said anything to me before about his, here they've been saying there is no reason my yard has to be a mess, or not mowed every 5 days, saying my boys hit baseballs into their windows, golf balls ruin their mowers....

and so on, and not one of them has ever said anything to me. Our yard is huge, so I can't always hear the kids when they are outside and i have central air so the windows are shut. Then the one neighbor(my cousin) said my boys were hitting her dog, and at the time they were at the pool! So the friend is no longer welcome here..he has had one to many chances. I had them go over to apologize to her, but she said she would not accept it. My boys lost tv, games, bikes, boards, blades, allowance, and have to do double the chores. Are not allowed outside without an adult, are not allowed to go to friends homes, and have to mow her lawn for the rest of the year. I just don't think they 'get it'. They don't seem phased at all....any suggestions?? Please? I've never had to deal with this personally......I've been trying to think what I would tell someone else to do, and I just can't think....
Thanks,
Momma P

My boys have always been respectful to other adults. Like I said, this is the first i have ever heard of things like this from them. They even admitted what they said to her. I was thinking maybe it was this friends influence. About a month ago they were with this one and another and said that the two friends were smoking, and drinking beer(at 12), and called them names and told them to leave because my boys wouldn't do it. I have never in a million years ever even had an inkling that my boys were this bad. They have always been nice to everyone, they say the right things, and have true feelings for adults in my presence, my dad's, and also my brother's. We would have kicked their a$$es otherwise!! And they know this!!

Answer 1

10 and 11 is a very impressionable age, and unfortunatly though it's hard for parents, sometimes it's hard for neighbors too! When I was around this age one of the "other kids" that hung out with my brother and I was acting up and doing stuff to our neighbors, by association we got blamed for this kid's crap too. Also if your neighbors are adults they shouldn't be talking behind your back and not confronting you when your kids did something.

For what your kids confessed to they need to be punished but they need to be punished in a way that makes them realize it's because of what they said to the neighbor not because they told you the truth. It's hard to punish kids this age I was nanny for these ages for two years and trust me I know that it's hard. By no means should you spank, or smack your children, they are too old for one, and for two, they will never confess when confronted if they are severely punished.

What needs to be done is confronting the neighbors about what you heard, and explain to the neighbor that told you what was going on that you are sorry and the kids will make it up to her by helping her with mowing the lawn, and walking the "hated dog" on a daily basis. Secondly, do you know the friend's parents? If you do, you should tell them what is going on, if not, or if they don't seem like the kind of parents that give a **** then tell your kids that they can only see that kid at your house while supervised. You can't tell your child to not be friends with someone but you can supervise their time with that friend and make sure things don't get out of hand. Also if your neighbors property is being damaged why wouldn't the neighbors come talk to you when it happened? I think that your neighbor was just upset and lashing out without even talking to the other neighbors and if she won't forgive your kids for being kids, then it's her problem and you shouldn't punish your kids more for this.

Finally if you haven't already, now is the time to have the birds and bees talk, because they obviously are curious about sex to be saying crude things to your neighbor. Be understanding that it could be uncomfortable but they obviously are in puberty and should know about things before there is another teen pregnancy posting, also talk to them about drugs and alcohol, and be open to listening about the peer pressures they are facing. The more listening and open and honest you are with your kids about sex, drugs, alcohol etc. the more likely they will turn out for the better, and bad behavior will turn into a good relationship.

Anyway, this is my advice, take it or leave it, hope it helps and best of luck!

Answer 2

Go talk to your neighbor. Tell her that this is the first time you've heard of this and you need some time to work out a solution, but that you are working on it. If anything happens from now on, to any neighbor, you need to know about it.

When the golf ball ruined the neighbors' lawn mower, did you pay for it? Did the boys get any punishment? Yes, leaving their toys in other peoples' yards is against the rules. Letting their toys go into other peoples' houses, windows, etc. is also against the rules.

It sounds to me like you've got some pretty normal energetic young men who don't have enough room to play. Think about getting a basketball hoop. Basketballs are more likely to stay in the yard. Do you have a park nearby? Or a schoolyard?

On the other hand, these boys have shown a total disrespect for other peoples' property. Did they come and tell you when they broke the windows? Did they pay, or get punished, or do chores to make up for what they did? If it had only happened once I'd chalk it off. But this looks to be a trend.

And talking to that old lady like that. I know that this society is anti-corporal punishment. But I would wear those boys' jeans out. And then I'd call their teachers to see if any of this type of behavior is going on at school. If they'll pick on an old lady, certainly they'd pick on a little girl. Don't they know that if a woman is too weak to start her lawn mower that you go over and help instead of making fun of her? These boys need a class in manners.

You didn't know about it until now. Now you are being held accountable for their actions. What are you going to do to stop these trends which all boil down to a lack of respect for people and their property? I'm not sure there's anything you can do that will get the message across to them that doesn't physically hurt.

My son got into some trouble with the law--disrespecting peoples' property. He was not getting the message from us, so we put him in a local boot camp. For four weekends, all day you got lectures in unairconditioned meeting area with hard pews, you did pushups, you moved dirt from here to there and then moved it back again. It's run by an ex-police sergeant. Joel got the message quickly, and the threat of boot camp even now straightens him up fast.

That would be my recommendation. I would never send my kid on a month-long torture kids dying of dehydration kind of place. But 2 days a week for a month of hard work and inspirational lectures and misery. Both your boys deserve that.

TX Mom
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Answer 3

First, I would rain the harshest of penalties against the boys. Be stern in letting them know why they are being punished but it has to be done. In order to earn respect they have to get it. Sounds like they need a reminder about the basic rules of conduct: respect your neighbor, treat others as you'd like to be treated, etc. Sounds like their chores need to be beefed up also b/c they may not have enough to do.

Secondly, I'd have to confront my neighbors and apologize for the behavior of my sons. Better yet, take the boys around to the neighbors and have them apologize also. In addition. admonish the neighbors for not informing you of this situation earlier since you had no idea of what was going on until Ms. X raked you over the coals about it. Maybe there's more to the story than what's being told but at least you're striving to be a good neighbor and decent person.

Kids are so impressionable and easy at times to be molded by their friends. Maybe keep them closer to the house and monitor the people that they are spending their spare time with. Parenting takes time and it's never convenient. Good Luck!!

Answer 4

i think i see the problem with why your boys are acting this way.
you've turned your son's disrespectful foul mouthed behaviour into a problem about "poor me" and why didn't anyone tell "me" and why are my neighbors talking about "me".

maybe if you concentrate harder on the issue at hand and forget about all of the other trivial bull sh!t, you would be able to more effectively discipline your children.

All kids have moments that would totally shock their parents at a behaviour that they have displayed..... but if this is an ongoing, everyday occurance, maybe you're not taking an active enough role in your kids' activities.
First of all, if they are properly brought up, they more than likely would not being yelling profanities at your neighbors in the first place... let alone everyday. Even if they were tempted to join in on some boyish hyjinks, they should stop and think about the reprocussions. Obviously, reprocussions and responsibility for their own actions are not a top priority in the house they are being raised or they would have thought twice about committing this embarrassing act.

Secondly, even if they have no respect for your neighbors, one would think they would at least have enough respect (even if out of fear) for their parents to not do this.

i'm sorry to say this, but this one sounds like it lays on your sholders.

On the opposite side of the coin, a good neighbor would have informed you immediately if this was happening so that you could put a stop to it. apparently your neighbors also see a pattern of little to no discipline for your children and most likely figured "why bother".

my first step would be to take the boys from house to house and make them apologize face to face to anyone they may have offended. if you can't get over the fact that the neighbors said bad things about you, then that just validates my conclusion that you are not providing a positive role model for your children as to how people interact with each other in adverse situations.

Answer 5

With two boys in your house, unless you don't own a mower there is no reason why you yard can't look as pristine as your neighbors.
For your sons however, I would have the to mow the neighbors' yard and the yards of subsequently wronged neighbors with T-shirts on that express their deepest regret.
White T-Shirts and Black or Red magic marker will do the trick.
Words have power, and the writing on their shirts, along with their duties should be the beginning of them recognizing the consequences of theirs.

Answer 6

If your neighbors have a consensus about what your sons have been dong, then chances are they're probably right. If the boys are damaging property and harrassing the neighbor lady, then they are a terror. Did you teach them to have respect for other adults, because it honestly doesn't sound like you did? You really need to put a foot in their a** the next time they start that crap, and maybe you won't have to deal with the neighbors telling you what a creep your sons are. I don't mean to be harsh but it sounds like you don't have control over your boys. They should know they're not allowed to treat people that way. And even if they wanted to, their fear of what their parents may do should be enough to stop them. They're way out of control.

Answer 7

send those boys of yours to boot camp. Please don't take this the wrong way or be offended but children learn what they see in and out side of home. I'm not saying you taught them to swear, however i'm sure this is NOT the first time you have heard about your boys acting this way. I don't think you are a horrible parent but i think you need to tighten down the reigns and stop letting those boys have control.
Peer pressure is another great way for kids to learn this sort of thing, but i'm sorry if you are a well informed parent then you should be well aware of what your kids are doing at all times, sounds like you have no communication with your sons.

Answer 8

Have no fear, SuperParent is here!

Getting a nanny would definetly solve everything. However, some people are not in a financially stable situation. In that case, I would suggest the Twinkies-in-the-ears tactic. Or donate their matresses and bedsheets to charity; I saw that on TV once. Oh yeah and take away the TV.

Don't forget to get a refrigerator box, for when all else fails. Stick 'em outside in it for a few monthes (years depending on what words they've said) and they'll come back with no intention of being mean to you anymore. Cussing? Easy!!! Chuck the computer out the window; that's where they get it from. And any bad influences--be it the Daddy, the Secret Daddy, or alcohol--chuck that out too. And don't let them buy any more lottery tickets! It is a waste of your hard-earned money. You risk your life every day on the streets for this???

Answer 9

Don't take this as advice, I'm just saying what I would do. I'd grab them by the nap of the neck and escort them to each neighbor that you suspect that they may have offended and confront that neighbor right in front of the child. Based on what each neighbor said, would determine the amount of apology and retribution (rake or mow yard, carry out trash, things like that) they would be required to do. My mother did this to me in a simuliar situation. After that, as I grew up, I grew very fond of many of those people.

Answer 10

10 and 11 Is a little old for a spanking but 3 good swats with the belt is in order here.
There friend wouldn't be allowed in my yard and I would report to his parents as well.
If you don't believe in spanking I would work them to death.
Everything you could think of as well as a walk through the neighborhood with personal apologies.