Dangerous Foreplay?

Question

my 20 year old lover terri and i have been a couple for a year,we met while playing football with a group of lads(he was on one team,i was on the other-his team won),he told me in confidence that his uncle sexually abused him as a child and make him do things that no human should make another human do.Terri wants me to beat and bite him during sex/foreplay,as far as i know i am the only person he has told this to,what can i do to help him from this nightmare and can i take the law into my own hands by hunting down his uncle?I have never met terri's family yet,Terri is one very messed up person he used to drink all the time and take drugs from the early age of 13 and used to 'work on the streets' until he was 18.
I really do want to help him,but this is way over my head and to be honest i am kinda afraid of being with him but will it be wrong to break up with him?Should i have him a chance?

Answer 1

First you need to support Terri as he obviously trust you enough to confide in you.
However you should advise him to get some help with someone who would be in a better position to handle his situation than just you yourself as there is nothing you can really do for him, and hunting after his uncle is NOT an option you should ever think of, no matter how well-intentioned you are.

Answer 2

No, no, no, no NO!
Girl your friend Terri has DANGER written all over him. You are way over your head in trying to help him.

The best thing you can do is to advise him to seek professional help. And you need to break up with him before you get dragged down to his level. You should know better than to beat and bite a man for foreplay. When someone tells you that they've been seriously scarred by childhood sexual abuse, then you are not going to help him by playing into his bizarre sex play.

If you do not break free soon, it will be too late. You will be the next one to be permanently scarred by a bad relationship.

Answer 3

The reason he wants you to bite him etc is this is how he was treated by the uncle and he believes this is all he is good for to be abused and beaten, Sexual abuse can leave a long lasting effect on any one especially the young, He should find a therapist or councillor to help him cope with things and you as a Friend to talk to is some thing he needs,you try and get him to tell you what happened and you listen to him and let him off load his thoughts and feelings on to you.

And NO don`t go hunting the uncle down contact police and let them find him as charges can be laid years later,And this could be one thing that would help him to see his uncle punished for what he did to your Friend

Answer 4

If you are affraid, then it is not wrong to break up with him. He needs therapy, I suggest three to five times a week. If you decide to stay, you may need therapy as well. He worked the streets, as in prostitue? If what happened to this person it's true he needs some serious help. Do not hunt down the uncle, maybe it is not true. Junkies make up a lot of stories out of shame and sometimes that is their scream for help.

Answer 5

If you want advice from someone who has gotten in a couple of relationships with messed up people and seen a bunch more. I say run. Run like hell as fast as you can. I know you may love him but dealing with a person's disorder is no joke. It may seem like you can help him and it may make the relationship more intense, but within a few years when you get relaxed with each other, he will make you life a living hell. Trust me I made this mistake with my ex and current wife. Both were abused and have a lot of post traumatic stress. I have seen my cousin go through hell with his boyfriend, that was abused as a child. Find yourself a well adjusted lover. But this relationship is doomed. trust me, you will remember this a few years from now when he is putting you through some sort of psychological hell.

Answer 6

If it was someone healthy, then I would say whip and bite him!! But with the other things that you mention, you need to get the hell away from the guy. Girls like you get off on 'helping' guys. You have no idea. Most of the stuff they do is an act to get you to feel sorry for them. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Cries for no reason and won't tell you why. Is mysterious with no reason. Seems sad all the time. Pathetic. This guy's a loser.

Answer 7

i would say that you should suggest that the 2 of you go to a therapist and explain everything to them. tell him your fears, and that you love him and don't want to just give up on him but in order for the 2 of you to have a normal relationship then this is what you require. he he is serious about you then he will give it a chance. tell him that the sexual things he asks for really bothers you and makes you uncomfortable and after all the things he has been through then you feel for his peace of mind and maybe even both of your safty that it's necessary for him to seek professional help, and be sure that you reassure him you will be there the whole time with him and you want to sit in on the sessions and be a part of them, and that way you can say whats on your mind too. good luck. i'll pray for the 2 of you. oh, if he refuses to understand your feelings and at least give it a try for the sake of your relationship , then maybe you should split ways. i don't think that is giving up on him, because you did try, but he obviously didn't want to make it work. it has to go both ways in a relationship, 50-50. and if he can't do that then your being shorted, in the right to be happy, so you would owe it to yourself to leave, there is nothing wrong with that, plus it may be safer that way.

Answer 8

People who have been sexually abused most commonly avoid any reminders of the abuse. Like anyone else with post traumatic stress disorder, they find that even subtle reminders give them considerable distress; they are prone to angry outbursts and have disturbed sleep patterns.
A fair number of people who have NOT been sexually abused find that they enjoy SIMULATED abuse and humiliation during sex play. A smaller number enjoy REAL abuse and humiliation during sex; we call them "masochists". Further, many things that are normally unpleasant--being bitten, anal penetration, being hit (open hand, closed fist, riding crop), even being stroked with the sharp edge of a knife (move it sideways so it won't cut), being called names--can be pleasurable or exciting to a person who is not a masochist but is already sexually aroused.
Your partner NEEDS to be evaluated by a psychiatric professional.
If you "hunt down" his uncle, you will be in violation of a number of laws and will likely go to prison for it. And you do not know for sure that his uncle did anything wrong...people who work the streets are not the most truthful people in the world, they are also not the least manipulative people in the world. Drug users and alcoholics also manipulate and lie for attention, sympathy, and to control others.
I wonder if you haven't met his family because he doesn't want you to see that he is lying?
As far as breaking up with him...do what you need to do for your own happiness. No one else will guard your future and happiness for you. It sounds callous...but you need to think of yourself.

Answer 9

If he is really your friend, he will listen to your advice and that is to seek professional help to get over the trauma and kick the bad habits. If he is not willing to listen, you need to evaluate your own options. Wanting to help is all very fine but we should not mess with deep traumas without proper training.

If he is a believer, religion (church etc.) can also be sought for help.

Answer 10

I think that because what he went through was traumatic, he has POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD). I have PTSD and had something similar happen to me. As much as you may love to take the law into your own hands, I don't think it would be beneficial to your boyfriend. What he needs to do is move on, let go and enjoy life. As for what he has asked you to do as foreplay, it's completely up to you whether you do it or not.

Hope this helps,

Dan