Are parents to blameif their child gets sexually abused???

Question

If a child is sexually abused by a family member ie a grandparent or an uncle, is this the parents fault that they never suspected abuse was happening? Baring in mind abusers manipulate the family and the dynamics of a family, opinions please.

It may seems like a strange question but i recently discovered my little angels were being abused by someone who was my idol, not only my father but my best friend...i thought his interest in my children was as a loving grandfather, if had of known or suspected NEVER in a million yers would i have left them...But within the community the fingers are being pointed at me...i should have known....but i honestly had no idea... I have firmly believed that the abuser is the only one to blame...but the community feel I should have known...BTW the community are supporting my father...apparently he would never do such a thing....

And no physical signs or emotional signs were shown by my oldest daughter and luckily for me i walked in as he was up to no good with my then 2 year old... have asked myself many times what signs were there...must have been something and honestly i did not see any...and i was abused myself (not by him) so i have always been fully aware of the signs...but none...

OK someone just said that children should know about good touches and bad touches and be aware of sexual abuse, well because of my own abuse i have been great in making them aware but this still happened...

As a response to Sweet, I am not acting like poor me at all, and i do not feel sorry for myself...My kids are in therapy and receiving all the help they can get...
And as for me not being strong you are totally wrong...strenght is reporting your father for child abuse...and preventing it from happening to others which i know there is at least 2 others...strenght is making sure that my kids live as normal a life as possible, strenght is moving on dispite your grief...

Answer 1

As the mother of a child that was abused, I understand where you are coming from in this question. My daughter was abused by an ex partner of mine when she was very small, more than 17 years ago, I have always felt that I was in some way responsible, that I should have spotted something, seen the signs, but I never did.
These animals are usually very emotionally manipulative, and can worm their way into family affections, often becoming a valued family friend. Its often not until the child speaks up about the abuse that anyone has any idea what is going on.

The only time the parent is responsible is if they are part of the abusers circle and are party to the heinous crime.
The best advice I can give you is to take each day as it comes, be there for your children, and believe them 100%, ignore the gossip and stand firm.

Answer 2

Not always.

Mostly because abuse (of any kind) is formed out of a form of control, with children of course being the most vulnerable. If the parents themselves are not abusing their child then the child's parents are more than likely not to be aware of the situation at all, due to the manipulation and control tactics taken by the abuser. (For example, the child may be threatened by their abuser with more violence, etc. Ie, "If you tell anyone I'll kill your dog/kill your parents/come back for you/hurt other members of your family/they won't believe you anyway because you're dirty...")

Remember too, that abuse received physically is also taken in mentally and emotionally as the abuser will manipulate the child to the point where he/she feels it's his/her fault they are being abused.

However, if in the highly unlikely event the parents know fully about the situation their child is in, and STILL sends them back to their abuser then yes, they DO have a level of responsiblility for the way their child has been treated/the treatment their child has received.

If a family has absolutely no idea that the child is/was being abused then its not anybody's fault except for the abuser's as nobody could have prevented the abuse.

Those who abuse children don't just manipulate their victim; they maipulate the rest of the family, so the victim may feel less able to approach their families with the truth, and eventually believe the person abusing them. They feel responsible and to blame themselves for the treatment they have been receiving.

Its not anybody's fault if the abuse is not recognised or seen, or even the slightest bit aware of. How can you prevent abuse that you don't even know is going on?

At most, if your child doesn't tell you outright what is happening to them, all you really can do is watch our for changes to your childs personality/behaviour, which doesn't always work because they may hide the torment they are going through as a result of the manipulation and bullying from their abuser.

Answer 3

Absolutely not - parents cannot be held responsible for the sick world we live in. As parents we have to ensure our children are safe and secure and most do that These abusers are very very clever as already said these people are manipulative and know exactly what to do and how to pull the wool over EVERYONES eyes. There is only so much protection a parent can give, as we also have to let our children learn independance. It is very difficult and you can never be really sure. The only way to protect your children fully is to take away their innocence - by that I mean telling them that this kind of thing can happen and let them know that in no circumstance is this right and whatever is said or done it is not their fault and they wont be in any troube but they must always tell - even then it is not assured to work. Its a hoirrid situation and the only one at fault is the abuser and anyone else (other than the child) who knows about it, ort even has an idea it is happening.

Answer 4

99.9% of the time, no they're not. Peadophiles are very accomplished at manipulating and preying on the most vulnerable of children, and are skilled at intimidating them into not telling anybody what is happening. Given also that it is most likely a family member or close family friend perpetrating the abuse, they have also gained the trust of the parents over time, and abuse is usually carried out in such a way as to not alert anybody to what is happening.
Of course, there are the cases where parents are knowing of, or even participating in the abuse, but those are definitely in the minority.
Parents can educate themselves about the 'signs' of sexual abuse in children, but these are not always apparent, and children will go to amazing lengths to hide the fact that they have been abused out of fear and shame. Of course, all parents must be responsible and take reasonable measures to ensure their child's safety, such as not leaving them with a known child molester, but for the most part, paedophiles are sexual predators, there is no real 'profile' of a sexual abuser, and the abuse is usually happening very close to home.


EDIT: I just read the additional details, and I'm so so sorry that this has happened to your children, and to you. Please do not blame yourself, I know that's hard, but you have done EVERYTHING you can possibly do as a parent to protect them from this. You must feel so unbeleivably betrayed by your father, and by the community supporting him. I really hope you have at least one source of comfort and support right now, and I hope you can have some counseling and help along with your girls.
If you need to talk more, or just get this off your chest, please feel free to email me (from my profile page) anytime. I will help you all I can, I'm so sorry this happened to your children.

Answer 5

NO WAY.

You have to remember that abusers can be very manipulative and devious characters. To live in a world where you suspect everyone of being a potential abuser is not a nice place to live and you have to trust people. Unfortunately people betray trust and sometimes in the worst case possible, ie where the children are concerned. When such things happen, questions start being asked such as, 'could this have been prevented'. If we had such forsight, then we wouldn't have our children going missing, being killed and being abused. Unfortunately these things happen regularly and to families who are usually not short of perfect. Surely if we could prevent such things we would be. The abuser is to blame and no one else. End of.

Answer 6

Abusers are generally a family member that is a proved fact, they usually get away with abusing young children because of trust, an abuser use this trust as an advantage to abuse.

A parent cannot be blamed for a child being sexually abused by a family member especially by eg. "Grandparent" or any other family member for that matter.
If the child alerted you but you took no notice and didn't investigate to be fair you are guilty of neglect, a parent should always listen to what their child boy/girl say to them.

A child is innocent we all know that so whatever they say is said in an Innocent way, you as the parent has to learn to listen, pick sense from nonsense.

Answer 7

I do not think that back then they would wait till the priests are dead and unable to defend themselves to do something. Of course, back then they were not as greedy as those today who want to get some of the money the Church is paying in restitution. Don't you think? Why are you singling out priests. Do you realize that you are much more likely to be a sexual abuser than a priest. Priests have the lowest incidence of pedophilia than any other identifiable group of people and certainly have the lowest incidence by a wide margin of any other clergy. Could you be motivated by hatred to post such questions and commentary. Reason not motivated by hatred would say so in view of the facts. God bless! In Christ Fr. Joseph NOTE: The Church has a zero tolerance for pedophilia and does the opposite of enabling anyone who does such evil. In fact the Protestant sects should look at the Church and the handling of these cases by Pope Benedict XVI as a model of how they should clean up their own houses. The courage of the Church in these attacks should indeed be inspiring to all Christians.

Answer 8

Not at all,

It would only be the parents fault under a few circumstances.
1. They knew its was going on.
2. After they found out about the abuse or even if they suspected something they let it continue, or didn't do anything to sotp it,
3. They were doing the abuse themselfs.

Other than that, abuse happens! And we don't know people who are even the closest to us! Please if you can afford to a nanny cam is your best friend! Other than that, just keep your eyes out, and watch for any possible signs of abuse!

Answer 9

NO!!!
The only time a parent could be considered at fault is the if the parent was aware the abuse was taking place & ignored it, allowing it to happen. Abusers are often trusted family members or friends, more often than not, when the abuse is disclosed, the perpertrator is the last person you EVER would expect...

Answer 10

I do think sometimes it could have been prevented - parents need to be more aware of this - a large majority of child sex abuse is by family members and close friends.
mothers should make sure their children know the places they shouldn't be touched or show to anyone, and check regularly that no one if doing this or making them do anything they feel uncomfortable with.
if a child can discuss these things it is more likely to be able to say no.
many times they blackmail the child into silence and the poor child is afraid and embarrassed to tell anyone and so the abuse continues.....
our children are vulnerable - its our duty to do all we can to protect them.