People whos parent(s) have died: How often do you visit their grave?

Question

I am 21, my mom died last year of cancer. I hate to go to the grave, its depressing. How do you feel about it?

Answer 1

I agree with you. My dad died when I was 20 and my mom died when I was 21. I have a hard time visiting their graves. The concrete is so cold and unfriendly I just feel like it is not them at all that I am visiting. I keep them in my thoughts. They died in 1963 and 1965.

Answer 2

Well, so sorry to hear that Smiley, but you don't have to feel guilty about not going to visit the grave often. I don't think that your mom would have wanted you to visit often. When my mom died, I went as often as I could, telling myself that she was right there and I felt the need to be close to her. It took a long while before reality made understand that she wasn't there at all and that I had to stop doing that. After a while, I visited the grave on the anniversary on her birthday, just to put flowers and remember the good times we shared. Eventually, I stopped going at all and just remembered her in prayer. I have now moved away to another continent but I still remember my precious mom without having to visit her grave. She has really travelled with me in my heart and in sweet memories. I have photos to look at and stars in the sky that I believe she has become and watches me everyday. You too, will come to terms with her death and find an alternate way to pay tribute to her life with you, instead of visiting the grave.
I wish you well and hope things will turn out better.

Answer 3

My dad died 14 years ago on Valentine's Day and I have only been out to his grave once. I agree with you -- it's depressing and really, there is nobody there. You keep her memory alive in your heart and in your memories more than at a cemetery. I believe that visiting graves and things like that are good closure for some of the living, but not everyone and certainly not those who have passed. My condolences to you.

Answer 4

Go with your feelings on this one. But, do not be motivated to go because of Guilt. If it is depressing to you, then by all means don;t go. I sense that you might be feeling some guilt about this issue, or you wouldn't have asked the question. There is no right or wrong. I personally go to my Dads grave out of respect for him and the fact that He was a WWII veteran and fought for our freedom. I only go once a year on Memorial Day and put a red rose and a small American flag in that cup that Hangs on the wall.(he is creamated and his ashes are in the box on the wall) I go with my Mom on this occasion, so it is sorta a Family tradition. I stand there and reflect on my Dad and our memories for a few minutes and salute him and leave. Simple thing, no big deal. Thats the way I do it. I do not have depressive feelings about being there. But some do and were all different, so just be yourself.
Reminds me of a funny thing my 5 year old at the time said. We were standing in front of the wall where my Dads ashes are. He had a hard time figuring out this whole thing. I explained(in kids terms) how different people choose different ways to be buried. He looked at me with his Big, Wondering blue eyes and said, "how did Gramps get in the small box".
Screw guilt.

Answer 5

I can't even remember the last time I went to their graves. My husband doesn't go to his parents graves, either.

My father passed when I was in my 20's. I did go visit his grave once a month or so, for about a year.

My mom passed a couple years ago and, now that I think about it, I don't think I ever went back after the funeral. I drive past the cemetery every once in a while & think about them, but don't stop to 'visit'.

The thing is, they're not there to visit, anyway. They're here, with me, in everything they taught me. They're in their house (where one of my sisters still lives). They're out in the town, in places where we went and memories that I have of them every day.

What's the point in standing around a cemetery? I have no memories of them from a cemetery. And, I don't need to be at a cemetery to honor their lives. They did not live in a cemetery. They lived out in the world, and they live on in our hearts.

Answer 6

I'm 40...and a Funeral Director

I lost my oldest niece 18 years ago...and have been to her grave maybe 3 or 4 times.

My Mom died 13 years ago...and I have been to her grave maybe 3 or 4 times - and I really hate going there because my Dad's name is on the monument with 1930 -
just waiting for the death date to be added.

I choose to remember them alive - to remember the times we shared. You are right, it can be depressing to go to a grave and stand there - because it drives home the fact that they are gone.

Do what is right for yourself.

Answer 7

I live a long way from my parents graves...so I can't visit often. I look at their pictures and remember them instead.Try to remember the good times. Have you ever heard the saying "If you can only remember me with tears...then don't remember me at all"? My mom would not want me to be sad...ever, especially when I'm thinking of her.

Answer 8

My parents are both deceased. My mom died in Oct 2006 and I have been back once. I went back to say goodbye on Mothers Day and I haven't been back and I don't plan to go back. She is not really there, her spirit is free and its just a place in the ground and it is depressing. It is not a requirement of love to go visit graves. It does not make you love them any less if you don't visit, don't make yourself more depressed by visiting there.

Good Luck.

Answer 9

My father died in 1976 and I know he would not want me to dwell on it.
Nonetheless, I still think of him almost daily, but have only visited his grave once.
He gave me a ring when I was a little girl and I have worn it every time I felt like I needed to talk to him.
Better than a gravesite for some?
Very sorry for your loss -

Answer 10

My father and mom died 3 weeks aside whilst i replaced into seventeen. i've got by no capacity "visited" the graves, and that i haven't any theory what human beings get out of doing so. I bear in mind my father and mom as they have been whilst they existed. I have no want to "bypass to" rotting corpses in packing packing containers buried a number of ft underground able that has no very own meaning for me. .