am I a bad mother?

Question

I have 2 boys ages 3 & 6. I love them with all my heart but they drive me absoultly crazy on a daily basis. My 6 year old is so mean. He hits his brother and tells him to do bad things. He dosen't listen to a word I say. My 3 year old is begining to act the same way. Some days I dont even want to come home. I feel so bad. I try to tell myself "OK, we are going to have a good day" then 5 minutes later I am screaming and yelling, the kids are bouncing off the walls and I just want to lock myself in a quiet room by myself. Most of the time I blame myself thinking it's something I am doing wrong. I am just so frustrated and I am so sick of being mean. We NEVER have a good time together. Is it me? Or them? What can I do to my my house a plesant place??? HELP!!!

Answer 1

Children are a product of their environment.... you are the parent and have been the (I assume) primary caregiver.

A routine-- is key for children, they need to know what to expect.

Mutual respect-- you can't yell at your children and expect them to know that yelling is not OK.

Follow through-- with ANYTHING that you say. Whether it be time spent together or a punishment.

Try to spend alone time with each child.

I know this sounds cheesy but you should watch Supernanny, at first I thought that it was a stupid show but she really has some great ideas and things to say.

I also have to say that I disagree with the people who say that spanking is OK. It is NEVER ok to hurt someone with your hands. Spanking doesn't teach your children anything but to be afraid of you.

To answer your question.. NO, you are NOT a bad mother. If you were then you wouldn't be on here asking how to make things better.

Answer 2

I am going through the same thing you are right now. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and I love them to death. I am a stay-at-home mom. My 2 year old hits and kicks my 4 year old constantly. My 4 year old is a drama queen. Cries hysterically about everything, whines constantly and won't share. I can't stand it anymore. I decided to get a part-time job during the week, just to get out of the house. I also work on Saturday's at a consignment store and I do feel better when I get home but that is short lived. The kids start fighting and whining soon after I walk through the door. I have told myself many times that I must be doing something wrong. I get so angry, I find myself screaming and yelling and I want to run far away or lock myself in my bedroom and cry. I feel so mean and think maybe I have an anger management problem. I wish I knew what to do. I know kids will test their parents, but at what point do they stop?

I hope I have helped you some. I know I don't have the answers you need but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Answer 3

You sound like an overworked mother to me. You are a single parent and your kids are in daycare? Are you sure it is a good daycare? Because I'd suspect that your 6 yr old may be unhappy there and perhaps the younger one as well. They are learning some bad things somewhere and it may be at daycare.

If you have no male figure around to help you with the boys, do you have a male relative or someone--anyone who can take the boys out once in a while to a ballgame or something and give you some time to yourself?

Every mother needs some time to herself. If you work all day, it's very difficult to come home and have the energy to deal with two small boys. They are probably in the same difficulty, missing you and wanting time with you, but too tired/restless from daycare to settle down in the evening and behave.

You're going to have to get organized into a routine that you are extremely consistent about.

The boys need consistency right now and a firm hand. I don't mean spankings. I just mean that you cannot permit the older child to hit the younger, nor can you permit him to ignore you. You have to be very firm, very clear about what you want from him, and if he misbehaves, you cannot let it go. You have to deprive him of something he wants, send him to time-out, make it clear that you simply will not put up with that behavior.

Consistency is the key. If he knows exactly what will happen when he does something wrong, he will learn to stop doing it.
It will take time, but you will succeed.

Definitely try hard to avoid screaming and yelling. It makes you look out of control and just frightens your children. Speak in a calm controlled and firm voice. Back up your words with actions...always. Kids that age understand action far more than a scolding.

Also don't forget to reward them when they do as you ask. If they calm down and read a book while you're making dinner, give them a special treat. A dessert they like, or a half hour of a tv show they like, or just an extra half hour to spend with you.

When you set boundaries and keep them consistent, your children feel secure and are less likely to run wild, even if they are tired or cranky.

It sounds like you could use some help and support, tho'. The care of two children is a lot for a stay at home mom. If you work outside the home, you're really going to be stressed.
I hope you can find a way to have some breaks now and then, for your sake and your children's sake.

You just have to be the one in charge of those kids. :) Be firm but kind and they will learn to respond to that.

Answer 4

No you are not a bad mother. You are a wonderful mother who is having a hard time dealing with boys. We all as mothers have hard times dealing with our boys. At 3 and 6 boys have a huge amount of energy. Try getting them in extra activities. If you have a community center near you, take them there. Enroll them in classes that they might like. Since your 6 year old likes hitting get him in a Karate class. That worked for my son who is 7.

Also check out any parenting classes in your area, that is a great way to meet other moms who might be going through the same thing. Your 6 year old might need a little more attention, try giving both of them that special alone time. Also kids can tell when mom or dad has lost it, so what ever you do keep your cool and stay calm. And please do not forget to take time out for yourself. Being a mom is hard work and you do like all hard workers need a vacation. Good luck Super Mom.

Answer 5

You are not a bad mother, you are a typical mother for this age. Not many people get to be June and Ward Cleaver anymore. And more children now act like Eddie Haskel. It is not easy to be the displinarian all the time. Sometimes you would just like to be the good guy. I have the same issues at my house. I just want to take a bath by myself and enjoy it. I come to work so I can go to the bathroom alone. You need to enroll them in a day care or school. I would also check into finding them a "big brother" type orginazation to join.

Answer 6

No - you're not a bad mother. I have two boys as well and I remember those days well. They're now in their teens and we still have days like this.

It's frustrating being a mother sometimes, especially with boys who are very "boyish" and rough and tumble. The best thing you can do is to set limits on the behavior that's unacceptable. For example - start by saying "No Hitting or you will be in time out for 15 minutes". Stick to your guns - the first 5-10 times you enforce it, expect them to test you in every which way. But - keep calm, stick to the issue and it does get better.

And - every once in a while, you will see your kids do something so kind, nice and completely unexpected. Get a journal - write those down and use it as your "I love my kids" journal.

Answer 7

You need to remember that your kids "feed" off your emotions. If they feel you start to tense up, they are going to tense up & act out. You say your 6 year old is mean and tells your younger son to do bad things. Believe it or not, this is completely normal behavior.

If you want to change your childrens behavior, you need to change yours. You need to take a pro-active stance in your children's lives. When you come home, you need to have a plan. Have some sort of activity to do with your kids that will take 20 minutes to set the tone for the evening. Do an art project, or legos, or a game. Then, give them chores to help you with dinner. They can help set the table, tear lettuce leaves for a salad, etc.

Usually, if children feel valued and involved in their parents life, they are more secure and act out less. It's not that you're a bad parent, you're just overwhelmed. Just change your habits, and you'll see that it will be much easier for you.

Answer 8

I have a 22 mo who acts up a little once in a while. I have quiet activities that he loves to do that I pull out when such occasions arise. Such as: Crayons and paper, I keep them in a box close to the kitchen and put him in his chair. This calms him down and keeps him happy long enough for me to cook or do some laundry or whatever: magazines and catalogs, he likes to look at them and flip through, so I keep a pile that I don't care if he destroys.
These may not work for your kids, but you get the idea. The best thing in the world is time out. Once you and the kids get the hang of it. You seldom have to spank and never have to yell again.

Answer 9

Having children can be a blessing or a curse, you have to decide what it is going to be with proper behaviour. First don't yell and stay calm. Get the children to stay calm with a strict voice. Have a family meeting - tell your boys how you feel about their behaviour and ask them how they feel about yours. Then ask themdo the ywant to live like this fighting their whole life? Or do they want to be a good happy family? And finally, ask what they would like to do as a family. Always be strict, but calm at the same time. If they continue to act the way they do now try giving them chores, or a time out for bad behaviour (keep them in seperate rooms and tell them to think about their horrible behaviour).

Answer 10

Your not a bad mother let get this straight. But I think you are going to have to show your children who's boss or else the child with run the whole house, and end up controlling everything.Since your six years old child is a bad influences on your three year old. He getting the message here this how you behave and you get away with it. I suggest you put the child into a room on their own when they misbehave. This means no toys etc. Let him scream and kick but keep your cool show the child you won't be bullied into this, because of his or her behavior. Plus ignore him/her when they misbehave that way they know that when they behave they will be listen to.