My 5 years old likes to hit or struck people, when he has a temper tantrum, what should I do in return?

Question

MY husband always hits back, which didn't help much

Answer 1

You cannot teach a child not to hit, by hitting them.
Just the same as you cannot mend a broken tap by breaking it, or you can't teach someone to stop eating junk food by serving them junk food. It is impossible.
Of course your child is hitting people when he is angry. Isn't that precisely what he sees his father doing - hitting him when he is angry with him? He is doing what the most important man in his life, his major role model, is doing - of course.
You have to make your house and your family a no-hitting world. No one can hit. That's the rules that adults in the real world live by, isn't it? Then that's the rules you must be teaching your child. If I, as an adult woman, hit people at work when I disagreed with them, you know what would happen to me - I'd be charged and possibly arrested. Allowing kids to hit in anger is setting them up to fail in life.
When you son hits, remove him instantly. This is going to really test your abilities as parent! You have to put him in his room and leave him there until he is ready to talk about it. If he hits again, you have to make sure he knows with absolute certainty what will happen - that you will start removing his possessions from him, one at a time, until he has no toys left, no clothes apart from the absolute basics, no movies, nothing. This will only work if everyone in the house agrees and supports it. If your husband keeps hitting your child, your child will never stop hitting others.
Good luck and I really recommend you get some parenting resources like parenting books from your local library. Find a plan that works, stick with it, and know that you are doing the best for your child.

Answer 2

When a child throws a temper tantrum it is for 2 reasons. One is to get attention but the main reason is to manipulate the parents to do what the child wants instead of what the parents know is best.

Normally, the best way to respond to a temper tantrum is to completely ignore it and to not give in to what the child wants. After awhile, the child learns that temper tantrums don't get him what he wants and so he stops them.

In your case where your child hits people during the temper tantrum (and it sounds like he hits both you and your husband, since you say that your husband hits him back), a different approach is needed. If you were to ignore his behavior, it would teach him that he can hit you whenever he wants to and that he is more powerful than you are.

One principle of psychology is that to change behavior there needs to be "meaningful" consequences to the negative behavior. Spanking can be meaningful behavior but not always. One of the advantages of using spanking as a consequence in this case is that your son needs to learn that you and your husband are more physically powerful than he is and that you can make him do what you want him to do.

The problem with hitting him back instead of spanking him is that it puts you or your husband on an equal level with your son. He needs to learn that he is not equal to you! You are his parents and the boss.

One thing you could try is to withhold something he really likes or wants as a consequence for his tantrums/hitting.

The main priciples are that he must get no reward for his behavior and he must (at least temporarily) lose something that is important to him whenever he throws tantrums/hits.

Reasoning with a 5 y/o is useless. But, it does help if you tell him that the tantrums/hitting are unacceptable and what the consequences will be if he does that.

The other thing is that you need to look at whether his legitimate needs are being met. I lived with a family for awhile when I was an adult and their 8 y/o son would throw temper tantrums by lying on the floor and kicking and screaming until his parents gave in and gave him what he wanted.

I didn't feel (at the time that) I could give advice to the parents, so I asked the boy why he did that. He told me that he threw tantrums because that was the only way he could get his mother to wash his clothes.

I know that this is a long answer but you have so many difficulties in your life right now that I feel that it is important for me to explain some things.

You and your husband are having serious marital problems and are thinking about a separation or divorce. Whether you have talked about this in front of your son or not, he knows that your marriage may break up.

This is tremendously frightening for a child! Also he doesn't know how to express his feelings. He may be throwing tantrums and hitting you and your husband because he feels threatened and because he is angry at you and your husband.

If this is the case, then asking him about this and reassuring him that no matter what happens between you and your husband, that you both love him and will not leave him, may be helpful.

I don't know what your financial resources are, but often there is inexpensive family counseling available through the family services or social services in your town or city. I would really encourage you and your husband to try to get some family counseling for you, your husband, and your child/children.

I hope that something I said has been helpful. My heart goes out to you and your family during this difficult time.

Answer 3

Hi there having problems with your little one! It will not help smacking him back as this will only teach him that when somebody does something wrong they get smacked! You will have to be more patient and talk and explain to him why this is wrong, it may take some time but its the best way. My son is now 17 years old and we had the same problem with him when he was little, this is the way we dealt with it and it seemed to work. He is now such a lovely calm boy and would never think about hitting anybody.
I hope that you resolve your problem and good luck!
This is only my point of view from a personal experiance!

Answer 4

if it's just a tantrum, ignore it as best you can because when a kids throws a tantrum they are trying to get attention from you. but, if the tantrum includes hitting people, you should let him know very sternly that you won't tolerate that type of behavior and send him to bed for a little while.

Answer 5

I believe that responding to violence with violence only teaches that it is ok to hit, that's why you should not hit him back. Instead, I would take him to his room and make him stay there long enough to calm down. At my previous house, we had the door's knob at my son's room inside out so we could lock him in when he misbehaved. Once the child has calm down, you want to approach him and talk about his attitude. It will take a little while, but eventually he'll improve.

Answer 6

My mother who raised me and my two borthers raised us as good kids by smacking our bottoms. She hit us back and through that we have learned to respect her. You always hear people saying how bad it is to disipline your kids like that. I believe that letting your kids hit other people is worse. Raise your kids the way you want but don't give in to those "cute" eyes when there may be a little devil watchinng from behind.

Answer 7

positive reenforcement is better than negative reenforcement. i believe that hitting the child back will only teach the child that hitting will get results even if he/she does get hit back. time outs or taking away play time, something like that is much better. "you can't watch tv for 5 minutes because you did something inappropriate" something to that affect. you'll be okay, you'll find a solution. keep trying until you find one. good luck....

Answer 8

You shouldn't have allowed him to hit or strike out when he was a toddler doing it. Hitting him back is only reinforcing the idea that it is okay to hit so your son is going to keep doing it because that is what his father is teaching him.

Answer 9

Children learn from what they see and hear. He's picking up this terrible behavior from someone close - his dad!
It appears your husband has good intentions but when he does the discipline - he must do it from the position of authority not in fun (this is why your son hasn't learned his lesson yet).
Time outs and naughty chairs DO NOT WORK - they only give time for the child to think of more things to do.
Children NEED DISCIPLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

I absolutely believe in hitting back to let him see how it feels. If this does not work, YOU as the parents, are to make him behave....YOU are the boss.....time out, early bed, removing toys that he likes and making him place them in the trash because of his bad behavior. All children will challenge the adults, its up to you to make him aware YOU have the upper hand.