Am I being a bridezilla?

Question

I am already common law married to my fiance but like every girl I dream of being given away by my dad. Because we already have a baby together my mom is telling me what I can and can't have at my wedding because of tradition. She wants to invite people I don't know that well and my fiance doesn't know at all because she's helping pay for the wedding she can invite who she wants. My fiance is apprehensive about telling his parents about the wedding since they aren't exactly thrilled about me and the baby as it is, but my mom says she won't pay a dime on our wedding venue until his parents know. Right now I don't have the money to put down on the venue otherwise I would and I'm scared it will be taken by the time I have th money. Then my sisters who will be bridesmaids are telling me what they want their bridesmaids dresses to look like and that I better let them pick what they will wear. It's supposed to be my day shouldn't I have any say? How do I tell them nicely to back off? Help!

Answer 1

Hey Hun- I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes the person with the cash tries to take control of the situation. But you just need to talk to her..... invite her for dinner, or something and tell her ideas you have for the wedding, etc. and I'm sure you two can put both of your ideas together and come up with even better ideas:)
You're lucky she is paying for it, although you can't let her take control!! You two can work together with the budget, decorations, etc. Listen to me: The wedding with be beautiful, and your mom may have some good suggestions, you just need to be a part of this. This should be a fun time for you:) get involved, take some of her ideas and think about them, tell her things you'd really want that would be important to you:):):)
I'm sure whatever you pick for the bridesmaids dresses will be beautiful. Take their ideas in consideration but don't let them talk you into something you don't want!!! I'm sure you can find something both agree on, but if it: It's your wedding:) Have Fun!!
His parents will come around about the baby!!! The baby's already here, they should love the baby, it's their grandchild. If they don't feel that way, it's time for them to get a grip. They need to get over it and stop being children. It's not 1980.

But listen to this: It's your wedding, Have Fun be happy and enjoy it. No stressing!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

Elope!

1. YOU are the bride, yeah you can work with them with the dresses but if you don't like what they choose YOU get final say!

2. Plan the wedding the way YOU and your guy want it done.

3. Invite who YOU want to invite.

4. Tell mom to throw the tradition book out the window, you can have whatever you want with the wedding.

5. Start saving money up NOW for the wedding, and plan to have it next year or the year after, this way you don't have anyone threatening to take away their money from paying for your wedding.

6. If your sisters don't like what you want them to wear, you don't have to have them in your wedding! The only people you need up there are you, your groom, the officiant, then you also need two witnesses.

You and your groom have every right to have what you want how you want it. Put your foot down. You are not being a bridezilla (yet).

Answer 3

I'm sorry to say, your mom does get a say in who is invited. I am going through the same thing with my fiance's mom (because his family is paying for most of it). My wedding coordinator told me the person paying does get a say, though he/she does not control the invite list. If there aren't too many people on her list you don't want, maybe compromising by lettting her invite them is not a bad thing.
Your fiance's parents should definitely be told what's going on. If they can't be adults about it, then that's their problem, but you two shouldn't be hiding the wedding from them. If you're old enough to have a baby and live together, you're old enough to get married even if they don't like it. My guess is your mom's witholding money to try to get you to do what's right and tell them.
As for the bridesmaid dresses, that is YOUR choice. I told my picky bff and sister that they would not be unflattering dresses but they probably wouldn't be their personal style. I made sure the dresses are flattering on any body type (hard to do, so good luck!) but I know it wouldn't be their choice. Here's something to tell them: if you were in their weddings, you had to wear what they wanted; if they're not married yet, they'll learn how annoying they're being when it's their turn! It's fair of you to pick flattering and affordable dresses, but they don't get to run the show.
Good luck and congrats!

Answer 4

I can understand your frustration, but maybe you arent the only one that has a dream about a big wedding and your dad giving you away.... weddings can be emotional events for family as well as the bride & groom. Maybe your mom has been dreaming of the day she could help her daughter with her big day.... and let her friends see her beautiful daughter get married.... I know you might not be thrilled about her inviting people you may not know, but maybe they are people that she has known since before you were even born. As far as the money and your fiances parents.... I think you should just suck it up and tell them if that is the condition of getting the venue booked--- i mean you are going to have to tell them sometime right??? Sounds like your mom just wants no surprizes. Moms are strange when it comes to weddings....yes it's supposed to be your day, but its not just your day----i think sometimes brides get confused by that and use it to get anything they could dream up and disregard any input from family......I'd say give and take with your mom...it will make her happy and in the long run it will make you so happy that day to see her happy too :)

Sisters though are being out of hand... let them know you will all shop together but that you will make the final decision.

Good Luck!!!!

Answer 5

Sit down with everyone and have a talk. First off, his parents have to know; there's no way around it. It's best if they find out sooner rather than later. Second - if someone else is paying for your wedding, they will naturally want to have it THEIR way; you have to understand that; whether it's right or wrong, doesn't matter - they have control, and if they want to exercise it, there's not a damn thing you can do. Third - you certainly have, and should, be the final decision-maker on things like bridesmaid dresses and the like. Listen to their input, but put your foot down and make them understand that you are the one deciding; you can't make EVERYONE happy, so just do the best you can, and they will have to get over it if they don't like something.

Last but not least - are you SURE you want to go through the hassle? Being that you guys are already married, I don't see the point. Sounds like it's already creating stress in your lives, and you haven't even started. But it may be worth it to you, I don't know. I just think it's only gonna get worse, not better.

Answer 6

You know, I fully expected to say "Yes, you're out of your mind." But for the most part, it seems like you arent. Mostly, anyway. If your mom is paying for the wedding, she does get to invite some of her friends. Work with her to come to a number or a percentage of the total guest list that she can invite whoever she wants. And I think she's right in saying that the groom's parents need to know, too. Whether they approve of you or not, they should know their son is getting married. And making it all legal may help change their mind about you!

As for your bridesmaids, pick a color and tell them to get any dress they like in that color. Or pick several options and let them choose from those. You want them to be happy, but they don't get to run the show. Remember, the dresses don't all have to match.

Last but not least, sit down with your Mom and have an open conversation about the wedding. No accusing, just a conversation aboutwhat each of you are picturing for the wedding. It's possible that your friction is coming from different ideas of what the wedding should be like. See if you can come to an agreement to make planning easier from here on out.

Answer 7

If you don't take charge NOW, you WILL regret it! It is your day and you (typically) only get one chance to do it. As far as your bridesmaids, they make so many styles in dresses now that can come in the same dye lot but be different styles to suit them. Point that out. Your mom, I don't know if this is true, may be trying to live vicariously through you, but tell her you want your own experience and how important it is to you. She should have your best interest in mind and want to make you happy after all. If your soon to be in laws aren't happy about it, they don't have to come. Just be sure YOU have everything and everyone YOU want there before worrying about your mom. Tell her you'll pay her back if it's that much of an issue. If it is, then come up with another plan. If this marriage is that important to you that you can't wait to come up with the money, maybe you shouldnt be spending that much on it. Go lowkey on the venue and get yourself a gorgeous dress and flowers instead and get married at a park or something. Good luck.

Answer 8

What a messy situation, I really hope it turns out alright for you.

(a) His parents don't know he's getting married!? There is a BIG problem here! And in this case your mother is CORRECT to wait to put down money on the venue, from what I hear, you seem pretty in depth planning for HALF of the family NOT TO BE remotely involved!

(b) Your mom is allowed to invite who she wishes because he is paying. Your alternative is to pay for everything yourself and invite whom ever wish.

(c) Lightly let your mom know that you want to keep the traditions that you want to keep, and there are plenty of couples now that have started families before they are officially married, so the old rigid ways are out, and you can do what ever you wish.

(d) I personally don't think its very fair to dictate what your sisters/bridesmaids wear, especially if they have to pay for their dresses. I prefer everybody sitting down and discussing what they would feel comfortable and ATTRACTIVE wearing. And if you all agree thats great, otherwise, keep trying to find something everybody likes. The most important thing is that they look good.

I don't think you are a bridezilla. I think you are overwhelmed. Its not really your day, especially if you don't hold the purse strings. Its a compromise between everybody involved.

good luck!

Answer 9

Okay, your first real problem is that your fiance won't tell his family that he's marrying you. He needs to stand up and do that. From what you say, he's braved their displeasure by living with you and fathering your child, so it really shouldn't be this difficult at this stage. Who knows? Their disapproval might even lessen because you take this step. Your mother is actually right on this point. I wouldn't book anything until he comes clean to his family.

The other problem is one of taking control. It is not bridezillaish to want a bit of say in what your wedding is like. It is up to the bride to choose the bridesmaids dresses and up to the bridesmaids to shut up and wear them. Of course, a bride ought to keep both the tastes, finances, and figures of the bridesmaids in mind when choosing those dresses, but it is her choice. Tell your sisters that you'll do your best to choose something nice, but the decision will be yours.

As to your mother, more and more women are marrying later and marrying after having a child, so it's not the scandal it was sixty years ago. Three-time divorcees are throwing big white weddings. This is your first wedding (I assume, since you don't say otherwise), and you don't have to slink your way to the altar because you chose a different order to do things than the traditional one.

Unfortunately, once money is involved, the golden rule begins to apply: who has the gold makes the rules. While it's your day, she's paying for a hefty part of it and that gives her a certain amount of control. She chooses to exercise that control and you don't seem particularly good at standing up to people. If you don't learn to stand up for yourself, then she will win every time. But the fact is, she's free to take her toys and go home if she doesn't like how you want to spend her money.

You'll have to decide whether you will take her money and allow her to pull the pursestring argument on you, or whether it's better to either wait and save up more money or scale back your plans in order to gain autonomy.

One thing I will tell you: if you want your wedding your way, then I think you're going to have to find a way to pay for it yourself. I don't think your mother will let you spend her money the way you want to.

Answer 10

I'm going to agree with everyone here and say that you and your fiance need to go talk to his parents! Maybe if they know he is marrying you that will be more excited because you have a child together! I think this should be your main concern! Once you settle things with his parents then start planning the wedding! Thats when you should have bridezilla come out! Tell your bridesmaid you will go out with them and agree on something together! Its called compromise! As for your mom let her invite whoever she wants shes paying plus no offence but remember if they dont know you and your fiance they probably wont come anyways!