In Lieu of Gifts at the wedding?

Question

My husband and I are having a "vow renewal" wedding ceremony because we got married in a hurry and just had a civil ceremony with dinner at applebees after. In a year or two we are going to do the big ceremony, and we'd like to ask in lieu of gifts, our guests bring money so we can further enjoy our honeymoon. We have been living together since about 3 months into our relationship, and have aquired all the home goods necessary. Is this unclassy? Will our guests take offense to it?

fizzystuff: You don't know the situation, so don't tell me a vow renewal isn't a wedding do-over, it is a wedding. No one but MY immediate family saw us get married, and many were saddened at the fact that they didn't get to witness it.

blunt: there is NO need to be rude to me, I asked a simple question on wedding ettiquite, you have no need to insult me or my dreams.

Thanks to all of those that made their point without insulting me, I greatly appreciate it.

HES NOT INTO ME and Elphiemoor: I love you guys! Thanks for the support!!

Answer 1

Official wedding ettiquite says that you ARE allowed to ask for money instead of gifts. You should NOT include this in the wedding/reception invitation but rather the WEDDING SHOWER invitation. If you do not plan on having a shower, then send it with the reception invite.
I'm guessing the people you're inviting already know your situation (with not having had a real wedding, etc.)
Ignore everyone who is giving you sh*t because you are legally married, you never had a wedding... this is about having a wedding day, a wedding ceremony, and the whole nine-yards and you are allowed.
Congrats and good luck.

Answer 2

Any references to money or gifts is inappropriate.

You can set up a honeymoon registry and pass that information along on your wedding website page or in a newsletter or through your parents by word of mouth but that message does NOT belong with or on your invitation.

To be honest with you . . a know of a couple of people that did something similar and they were very disappointed in the results. The guests saw this as a way of getting "a nice vacation" at someone elses expense.

Guests are very uncomfortable with these scenarios especially if the man and woman have been married for over a year.

Answered by: A Certified wedding specialist / A Professional bridal consultant / A wedding ceremony officiant

Answer 3

It's very rude and tacky to do this. To ask for something like money in place of a gift, is just not done.
And you don't have a wedding a year of two after you have gotten married - maybe you could get away with having a reception a month after the ceremony, but that's about it.
I think you got some very wrong ideas somewhere about what this is all about!

Answer 4

You cannot ask guests in any way, shape or form for gifts or money without coming across as rude and tacky. When you do the big ceremony, ask for nothing.

Edit: You asked us about a "vow renewal" and that's why fizzystuff and blunt answered you that way. a "Vow Renewal" is NOT a wedding ceremony, it is a vow renewal. And you can choose to have it as simple or extravagant as you like.

Answer 5

He's not into me is absolutely wrong. You never mention gifts of any kind in any kind of invitation. I have no problem with you renewing your wedding vows, especially if you're doing a church service since you did a civil ceremony before. However, assuming that people are bringing a gift and trying to dictate the type of gift is not only unclassy but extremely, extremely tacky.

Answer 6

No, you cannot ask for money in lieu of gifts. You also cannot mention anything about gifts (registry info, etc.) anywhere in the invitations! That is rude and presumptuous.

If you would prefer money for the honeymoon, let your parents, bridesmaids, etc. spread the word. If your guests ask you what you would prefer, then you can politely explain your hopes.

The best thing to do is to follow the rules of etiquette. Please don't offend your guests or they may not give you anything.

You will likely get money as gifts anyway, so just be polite and everything will work out on its own.

Answer 7

It isn't 'unclassy' to prefer monetary gifts, but it's extremely unclassy to put it on your invitations.

Gifts are entirely voluntary at weddings. While they are both common and courteous, etiquette does not require that they be given at all, therefore any mention of gifts - even to say you'd prefer not to get them, let alone what they ought to be - is not considered polite. It's making unwarranted assumptions that your guests a) will give you gifts and b) not know you well enough or be clever enough to come up with a gift you'd like.

So no, you can't simply come out and print on your invitations that you prefer to receive cash.

That doesn't mean you are entirely powerless to get the idea across, though. It just means you have to be subtler and accept that some people aren't going to do what you'd best like.

First off, most couples do a registry today. People will call either your immeidate families or members of the wedding party wanting to know where you're registered. Pass the word to these contact people that you haven't registered. They can then pass the word to guests that you have everything you need, but would really love to be able to upgrade your honeymoon arrangements.

Guests may then choose to follow your wishes and give you money, or they may choose to disregard the request and find you something else they think you might enjoy or be able to use. Be prepared to be gracious in the face of actual gifts. Send your thank you notes promptly.

Oh, and there are honeymoon registries now, but I recommend against them. For one thing, many people consider them as rude as asking for cash on the invitation. For another - and this is far the greater sin in my book - while a department store registry is free for both the happy couple and all the guests who use them, honeymoon registries take a fee off the top from every gift you're given. This fee may be as much as 15%.

Also, while a guest who buys you a toaster at Target gives you a toaster and that's that, guests who buy experiences and upgrades to your honeymoon on a honeymoon registry...they may think they're buying you snorkling lessons, but the money actually goes into a general slush fund and you can choose to spend that money on something else instead. I think that's rather dishonest, frankly.

So pass the word that you have everything you need, and trust to your guests to understand that that's code for 'we'd like money, please.' Most of them will then probably give you either checks, cash, or gift cards to places they know you like.

Answer 8

Well in todays society, it is rude to ask for a hand out because everyone is too busy looking out for their behinds...and wedding gifts should be accepted and deeply appreciated whether it is a set of ugly green towels, or if it is money...Either way you are going to have to write a ton of thank you cards...and you should not be accpected of any gifts if you are planning on doing a registry...if anything I would look around your place and find something you think you need more of like some simple towels or bed sheets and do a small registry...that way guest are not lost as to what they should get you and when the registry is completed then see what comes your way as far as gifts...but I dont think i would ask anyone for money...it would be nice to have a honeymoon, I know...but expecting a hand out is never good and you should also be considerate of the guest that are coming in from out of town as well, not everyone has a money coming out there ears...So in the end I would yes, it is unclassy to word in your invitations 'In Lieu of gifts....(such and such)....



oh I didnt even think of this! until i read the persons answer!!! my sister afforded her honeymoon by doing a money dance!!!!

Answer 9

It is wonderful to have dreams and to be improving your life and marriage. I guess asking for money outright is a bit better than just taking the gifts back and getting refunded. Just be sure that you do "thank you notes" - nice old fashioned ones: handwritten and personalized. And maybe include pictures you and hubby on the honeymoon, showing what the guest's contributions helped acheive for you. This really doesn't have to come off as "tacky." And again - at least you're being straightforward and not sneaky (like having a money dance....)

Answer 10

Saddly it is unclassy. The best thing to do is have your parents and bridal party spread the word that everyone who wants to give a gift is giving the bride and groom money to help with a honeymoon. Slowly, and hopefully, it will become a gift theme.

Answer 11

Yes, this is unclassy. You can't ask for $$ for a wedding present. It's rude and tacky. Presents shouldn't be mentioned at all.

I will tell you though that 95% of my guests DID give us $$ as a wedding present. So if I were you, I would just keep quiet, and enjoy it when it comes:)