My boyfriends Dad has just been told he has up to 12 months left to live with oesophagus cancer. It has devastated him, as he has already lost his mum and I cannot cope with seeing him so upset. His Dad means alot to me as well as we have been together for 20 yrs, but as soon as I start to speak about it I cry and I want so much to be strong for them both. How can I take control of my feelings, without avoiding the subject ?
2007-08-10 01:26:57 · 7 answers · asked by kirst is back!! 6 in Health ➔ Diseases & Conditions ➔ Cancer
It's hard to lose someone you love. The reason you are crying so much is that you are grieving. Most people think that grieving begins after a person dies, but that's not true. It can begin as early as getting the diagnosis of the illness. So what you are going through is perfectly normal.
However, since your boyfriend's dad has about a year or so left to live, it won't be healthy for you to continue in the state you're in now. So, it would be a good idea for you to have someone to talk to. We have hospices here where I live, and you can go to support groups with other people who are losing someone they love. It doesn't cost anything here. So, if they have hospices where you live, and I think they do, try to find a support group where you can talk about your feelings.
Are you able to talk to his dad about other topics without crying? If you can, then be there for him; people who are dying don't always want to talk about dying. They also want to continue living as normal a life as possible. Trust me when I say I know this to be true. What kinds of things does he like? You have known him for a long time. I'm sure he would love visits, and you can bring him things you know he likes, even if it's something as simple as the daily papers. I'm sure he'd love to simply have your company; that's worth so much.
As far as helping your boyfriend, again, just be there for him. If he's feeling sad, just hold him if you cannot speak. If he talks to you about his dad, listen to him; and it's OK if you cry when you talk. Maybe he needs to cry. So, your crying makes it easier for him to cry.
I'll say again that I think YOU need someone to talk to also. You want to be strong for them, and that's wonderful. But who's going to be strong for you? You are grieving, too.
When your boyfriend's dad has 6 months left, he can belong to a hospice. That doesn't mean he has to move anywhere; he can stay at home. But he will have care, both physically & emotionally. Hospices send a nurse about 3 times a week to check in on the patient, more often if they need it. They will send aides if the patient needs care with bathing, dressing, making up the bed, etc.
The hospice will also have counseling available to him, your boyfriend & you. So maybe you could be the one to start looking into this. That would be one way to help them, and yourself. And, as I said, you can go to hospice support groups now, because you need help for yourself. You are important, too.And you'll be able to help them better if you have help for yourself.
I'm sorry you have to go through such a painful time. Just try to make it through one day at a time. It's sad when someone we love dies, but there is one positive thing to hold on to. He didn't die suddenly, which can be even harder because there is no time to say goodbye. You & your boyfriend have a year to be with him, and you can share your love during this time & be together while preparing to say goodbye.
Best of luck to you, and take care of yourself.
2007-08-10 09:35:19 · answer #1 · answered by palemalefriend 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Its all right to cry, its an emotion that many cannot control no matter how much they practice the speech, no matter how many times they tell themselves not to, people still cry. Crying will express the hurt that you are also feeling about this situation. Being strong means being there for him and his family, by keeping his hopes up, by having faith and beleiving in miracles, while also being realistic. Tell him to enjoy every single moment with his father, tell him to remember the good memories, cherish them and always keep in high spirit. You can cry and still be a strongest person there for him physically and emotionally.
One day talk to him, have a conversation that will lead up to talking about the subject, or sit down and tell him you want a serious conversation with him. Wait a few days or weeks even until your ready.
Talk to your partner confide in him during these rough times, maybe he might have an idea what to do about his dad. Don't be gloomy when you see him dont pity him because of what happened, with 1 year left happiness, joy, and being with your family is most important, and they'll both always know that you were there for him during tough times.
Have his dad see a psycologist that deals with these type of termial sitations, he may not confide in you but he may confide in a psycologist about his worries and concerns.
2007-08-10 08:41:52 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
First, did your bf/s father get a second and third opinion on this extreme diagnosis? I cannot explain to you how important it is to have the diagnosis and prognosis CONFIRMED by several doctors (preferably at a large, reputable CANCER CENTER, such as the ones in Austin, NY -Memorial Sloan Kettering etc..)
If there's not much that doctors can do indeed, what's left is to pray to God. For a miracle, b/c they do happen sometimes..and for peace, comfort and patience for your partner and yourself. Talk to a priest and read some religious texts/prayers (there is a "cancer prayer" available online, directed to Mary, the Mother of God, Pantanassa, Healer of Cancer..it has helped me to read it..and believe me we have used it under very bad circumstances too).
2007-08-10 15:01:19 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be natural with it and don't be so hard on yourself you can't be everything and you are coming to terms with this yourself. Except what is happening and I know it sounds the same old thing people say buy just being there for each other is comfort I know how hard this can be I went through the same thing last year with my sister who is terminally ill and I know how heartbreaking it is but believe it or not it's true what they say 'time is a great healer' but don't push him let him lead you, you'll know when he's ready to talk about it. All the best!
2007-08-10 11:58:53 · answer #4 · answered by Wide Awake 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunate there is not much you can do. but, stay positive, and just remember that he only has one year to live. who knows technology is so advanced that they may be able to prolong his life. What you, your boyfriend and father in law can do, and it's easier said than done. but, you can enjoy everyday like if is your last. don't look at the illness as a tragedy, but rather as an opportunity to get closer to your husband and father in law.
I'm currently fighting breast cancer, chemo makes mi sick, sometimes more than others. I do feel that my family has drawn closer together. do the same, don't cry (smile, laugh, and help your father in law cope) god bless you. I'll be praying.
2007-08-10 08:59:45 · answer #5 · answered by boka 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You need to seek the help of a counselor. A trained professional can help you, your partner, and his dad cope with the situation. Perhaps you can talk to one by yourself first so they can help you through the beginning. This is going to be a very difficult time for everyone, and we all deal with things differently. You just have to let them know that you love them and are going to be there.
2007-08-10 08:33:17 · answer #6 · answered by lestermount 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
It is perfectly normal what you are going through. Talk to his Dad like you would talk to him everyother day. Same goes for your boyfriend. Good Luck
2007-08-10 08:39:12 · answer #7 · answered by Snuffy Smith 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋