How can I forgive but not forget?

Question

So I been dating a girl for almost 2 years. Our relationship when there is no problems goes more than great. I love her but I dont know if I can even be IN love with her. Whenever me and her fight or something goes wrong I remember her past and I get mad. Mostly cuz I dont agree with many of the things she has done. She slept with 4 guys after only dating them for 3 months each. Then she broke up with them short after yet she claims sex is a thing of love. I hate her for her past, but I love her as a person. Thats the main thing that bothers me but she lied to me about alot of things one of them was that she hooked up with a guy cuz she was "angry" with me and I didnt find out until 7 months later. She never told me cuz she was afraid I would leave her. I love her and we have broken up a few times, but we always end up together. She claims she doesnt need me and that I could do better but I love her. Is there any way I can forgive and forget? How can I make things better?

Answer 1

I haven't read the other replies because I didn't want to taint my answer.

First off. Her life before you, is just that. Before you. You have absolutely no right reason or cause to be angry or upset with her sex life before you were in the picture. You fell in love with the girl that you met. You have no prior claims to her life before you. You can't be jealous or hold that against her at any time emotionally, or verbally. Quite honestly, it's none of your business. As is your previous dating life none of hers.
So you need to let go of any and all of that. Nope, nu-uh, not even that. You have no excuse, reason or anything else to attach yourself to her past. It's gone, you weren't with her. It's hers and hers alone. Period.

You say you hate her for that. Pretty strong words. Really strong. Which means that you are judging her. And deciding that she is beneath you. If that's the case, then she's beneath you and you should walk away because she's not worth your time.

In all actuality though, you are the one with the problem, not her. The controlling, the thought of her being inferior, and thoughts of hate, as well as jealousy, and a feeling that you are somehow allowed to punish her. So take a long look at your actions, and learn to correct yourself. So far, she's shown that she's a far better person by putting up with this.

Now, on to the she was afraid I would leave her. See above. Think about it. Wonder why she would feel that way.
Same thing for her saying that you could do better than her. You have beat this girl down to exactly where you wanted her. To the point of where you are so high and mighty, and she is so beneath you that she should feel grateful that you have graced her with her presence. Do you wonder why she would say such a thing? I mean honestly?
When she said that, did it hurt your heart because you love her so, or did you grin a little because you know she's lucky to have you?

Now this guy she hooked up with. Were you together or apart? That makes a big difference. If you were apart, then that is one of those things that you both have to work through. If you were together, then you have to decide if you can forgive her and move on. I mean really forgive. Like never bring it up ever again. Not even in the most heated of arguments. You both also need to sit down and find out why you all are breaking up all the time, and then what draws you both back to each other.

This may be a co-dependant pattern on both of your parts. It may be because you both are young and don't know how to handle a serious relationship yet. Whatever the case, you both need to calmly communicate with each other to find the core of the problem. You can't continue to treat her so badly, and she can't continue to try to find unconditional love and acceptance from other places. You must be the person that gives her that.
If you can't, then it's time for you to admit it and let her go.

I wish the both of you the best. Forgiveness is difficult. However it sounds like communication is the main problem in your relationship.

Answer 2

The sad thing is that no matter how good things are going...every time you get in a fight those things will come flooding back. Its called "Keeping Score". And even tho you want to forget it won't be as easy as you think....She hurt you and it will always be there. Even if you love someone dearly..those times that aren't always the greatest stick with you. It takes a person who can realize what impersonal love is and release those bad feelings and concentrate on the good. personal love means that you concentrate on the person or the object...impersonal love means you concentrate on yourself and your integrity. It makes you lean less on those people and more on who and what you are. Then when they hurt you..or those bad times come crawling into your head you are able to think about who and what you are and not what she did. if you are loyal and honest..then concentrate on that...she won't change...once a cheater...always a cheater..sorry! Been there..done that! First hubby was a big cheater and it took me 2 years to figure out he wasn't going to change and you too will realize that..there will come a time where you are just "done" and nothing she will say or do will keep you there.
Good luck and don't change yourself into a bitter person...or a jealous person...you still can have a great relationship with someone..some day!

Answer 3

I can't say that forgive and forget is the appropriate thing to do here. Look, a leopard doesn't change it's spots. If she can cheat on you once be assured it most likely will happen again when she gets angry with you again. I'm all about forgiving but in this instance, NO WAY!! It's too dangerous to be in a relationship that there is a history of infidelity and the bigger chance that it can and likely will happen again. Remember you are sleeping with everyone else she slept with and they slept with and so on. Don't you deserve better?

You say you love her but look again. Could it be that you just are affraid of starting all over again? Just a thought! Good luck!!

Answer 4

have u ever broken a glass and glued it back together there always seems to be a piece missing no matter how small it is it just doesn't look right well that is ur heart u keep mending it until she drops it again and u lose a piece the pieces u've lost is what we call trust this girl has played time and time again and u still let her do it if u can't forgive u really can't ever forget i think u should let her go and move on u do deserve better than her i hope this helps

Answer 5

It sounds like you really love her. Don't let this girl make you bitter or start being a player youself. Trust me there are girls out there who would appreciate a nice guy. You just have to look for us. All that really matters in life is that you are happy. That is how I usually decide whether or not to stay with someone. If she upsets you more than she makes you happy, personally, I would leave her. The hardest part is letting go, and remember YOU are worth more than this and CAN do better. Best wishes.

Answer 6

You need to move on. You will always remember her betrayal and never be able to trust her. You have to have trust to have a good realtionship. Obviously she isn't committed to you or doesn't care enough about you if she hooked up out of anger. I get angry at my man all the time, but that wouldn't justify me sleeping with someone else. You will never fully feel forgiveness, and like they say "once a cheater always a cheater" Do you really want to set yourself up for more heartache. Get out while you are ahead.

Answer 7

Its not good to bring up the past. That is why it is the past. It leads to nothing but problems if you always think of the past. Try to forget the past and move on. She's made some mistakes but if you think she truly loves you then its worth making the effort to work out all your problems. She is probably lying when she says she don't need you. She just doesn't want to admit she's dependent on someone else. Communication is the key to a good relationship. Tell her how you feel. Make good examples.

Answer 8

Relationship Rescue by Phillip C. McGraw P.H.D. will help you. If the two of you really love each other and want to work it out, this book is the best I have found. It helped with my marriage. Maybe she thought she loved each one of them and finally found true love with you. Did you ever think about that? Forget about her past if you truly love her and hold onto what you have together.

Answer 9

Umm... you can't trust her, so it will never work out right. Dump her for two years, and if you get back together after that, then good. Girls (people) that lie always lie... She's afraid you'll leave her cause she's insecure, and you can't fix that. She'll always be insecure, and she will always try to find security. Suggest she gets a support group or something...

Answer 10

u obviously really like this girl to have forgiven her already so many times !!! i think i would never like it if my guy cheated on me like that !!! and the main aspect of a relationship is trust... if that is lost... all is lost... try talking with her abt it.. apparently she likes u too.. so maybe u guys could work things out....