Should I have kids, opinions?

Question

I've always loved kids, loved being a role model and playing and helping kids along in any way I can. This is strange to some people as both my parents were horrible examples, they used drugs and were both all around sociopathic people. I was screwed up emotionally for quite some time, but I would never do the things they did to me.

I guess for many years, mainly during my later teen years I was determined to have kids to prove that I could indeed be the father mine never was. I always felt different from my abusive parents.

I'm better now, I don't think I'll ever be well. No one who has been as close to the edge as I have every will be. This is what scares me, I don't think I will never be emotionally complete, and I would never bring a children into this world if I was not sure I could be there for this child's every need.

I still love kids, and want them to be a big part of my adult life. I'm just 21 now, and am coming to the terms that I don't need to prove to myself that I am not like my parents, just surviving my childhood not a hateful cruel person is enough.

I don't want to regret never having kids, but I realizing recently there are many avenues to make strong friendships and play a large role in the life of a child.

I am thinking of maybe becoming a big brother, and volunteering in other outlets where I can help kids grow.

Answer 1

If you have to ask complete strangers, then I would say no.

Answer 2

First of all I think becoming a big brother is an awsome idea. I think that is wonderful. Second you need to give it time and enjoy your early years of man hood until you find the right person to settle down with. When you do then I would say go for it. You seem like a wonderful person and you are going to have to make sure you are stable because they aren't like animals you can't just give them away. I really don't think you will have much to worry about because with the way your life was sure you are going to want to do more with your children and I totally understand it is not to get back at your parents. It will make you feel complete or something. Mom did the same with us because her childhood wasn't so good. Good luck and I wish you the best no matter what you decide in your life.

Answer 3

Okay, here's me: I was sexually and emotionally abused as a child. I had a parent with personality disorders and borderline psychosis. So I know where you're coming from. And the only thing I ever KNEW I wanted to do was be a mom.

I can tell you that there are times when my upbringing shows through the cracks; I hate it, but it's true. But I am VERY conscious of it, and I am aware of the fact that I may have a genetic predisposition for certain problems. I find myself examining my own psyche a lot. But I have never and would never intentionally harm my children. Just like you, I had an example set for me, one that I loathe and would never follow. I choose to let that help me to be a better mom. If you have children someday, I hope you can do the same. I don't think you should necessarily choose never to have children, just because you had a cr@ppy upbringing. You have the power to choose to give your children better. But if you're content to mentor other people's children and do good for others, then that's awesome too. It sounds to me like you're committed to doing things the right way, whatever way you decide to go. And if you do, the world will be better off for it. God bless.

Answer 4

I think volunteering at maybe the Boys & Girls Club, or the Big Brother/Big Sister club is a great start. You could also take parenting classes when you meet the right woman that you think you would like to have kids with so you learn what the right things are that you never learned from your parents. At least you know what NOT to do, like using drugs. I think it sounds like you would be a great father BECAUSE of what you went through. You have an experience that you can pass on to your children as an example of why not to use drugs. I have known people that were born to druggies and alcoholics that have turned out to be wonderful parents.

Answer 5

Becoming a big brother or volunteering somewhere you can work alongside kids sounds like a great idea for someone in your position. You can learn a lot along the way - and also be a big part of a child's life, something I think both you and any kid in need would truly benefit from. It might help you discover just if you're ready to handle that big responsibility or not.

My husband had a similar upbringing - both of his parents have done things I can't imagine any parent doing, and we're about to have our first. I'm confident in his ability to raise a child -because- of what he's been through - like you, he had his concerns, and still does, but he knows what's important to him. Like him, you sound like a very good person, and I believe your experiences could guide you to a very promising and very beautiful end, one much more enriched than the average person who hasn't endured what you have.

Regardless what you choose, your sweet intentions won't go to waste, and I certainly hope you find the answer that works for you. Best of luck, and be happy!

Answer 6

At 21, many people aren't ready to have kids. Or they don't know if they want them. That's completely natural. My advice would be to just not make a decision right now. But wait until you're 25, let's say. Then think about it again. And then if you still don't know, think about it later again.
Time is on your side! You can have kids for a long time to come. Two decades, at least, if not more. So no need to put pressure on yourself and force yourself to make a decision. Just wait. You'll know the answer intuitively, when the time comes. And when you meet the right person. Then everything will be crystal clear! And without any effort at all.

Answer 7

Becoming a parent is a huge step from just liking kids. You are still very young but you are headed in the right direction. First things first. Get your career on track, when you meet the right woman to take the journey of life together, then revisit this question. Right now you have to start living without the weight tied around your neck.

Answer 8

the fact that you have addressed the problems you have and have worked to resolve them is a step in the right direction. There is no such thing as the perfect parent, we all have issues or hangups, we all have childhood baggage that we try to not carry over onto our kids. My hubby is a good example. He was abused by his fatehr on a daily basis, and his mother did nothing to protect him. For years he feared being a father, thinking he was doomed to repeat the cycle of abuse. We had a son, and he took one look at him and knew that he could never cause him the pain his father did. He now is thankful for his childhood, it taught him what NOT to do as a father.

Answer 9

Well i dont know cuz at first my mom would sometimes regret having me and my brothers but she has told me nothing is as great as having ur own children and sometimes you might mess up but that happens to everyone... well i think you should wait a little longer and maybe if u think ur ready then u should have kids and sometimes they may say some stuff they dont mean but they just say it cause they r mad but they will always love u and i know for a fact that u will love nobody else like u love ur kids...

Answer 10

Try becoming a Big Brother first. I did it for five years. It's a great experience and they always need Big Brothers.

Then consider being a foster parent or adopting to give someone who needs it a good home and great role model.

Answer 11

I would certainly explore more avenues before taking on the responsibility of parenthood. Being a big brother is a great start!

Have you been in therapy at all? It may help you to overcome a lot of your past issues.

You are still so young with plenty of time left to have children. Don't rush it and enjoy the ride!