am I in the wrong?

Question

I know this doesnt go here, but I trust you guys for honest advice. My son will be 10 next month, his dad has had nothing to do with him untill may of this year. He went in for brain surgery in April. we tried and tried to get ahold of his dad, he just wanted to talk to him before surgery, we did find his number, called and his Girlfriend hung up several times on my son. so we found where she worked, and emailed, her, a few teachers and the principle, explaining the situation, and letting her know who it was she was hanging up on. well, that got there attention. she said she thought it was a prank call. well since then, neither me nor my son our aloud to call the house, we have to call his dads cell. my son went to visit last weekend and asked her if he could call me. she said no, that she didnt want me having her number. he asked why and she said that I did something very mean to her and if she wanted she could send me to jail for a very long time. this scared my son to death. I have

done nothing to go to jail for. well I blew up, then his dad tried to blame me, then when that didnt work tried to blame ryan for asking to many questions he feels a child shouldnt be asking, he blames everybody but her, and even says my son may be lying about her hanging up on him. I have said my son can not go back over till she gets over herself. his dad cant even call hyim on her phone. and I am in the wrong?

am I in the wrong by saying my son can not go to his house anymore till she gets over herself?

if I had not emailed her at work we would never have been able to get to his dad. we had tried for 9 years, that was a desperate move, but I did not hurt her in anyway.

oh yes, abd during this fight, it was that the prank phone call disapeared and she hung up on him,because she doesnt talk to anybody she doesnt know. so the story changed.

Answer 1

lord this is a very difficult situation. If you've done nothing wrong, then you shouldn't be worried. You've just recently come back into your son's dad's life, and it hasn't been at all positive for either of you. It sounds like you shouldn't be involved with him any more, same goes for your son. You don't want your son's experience with his father to be negative, right? then it's better not to have one at all. This could turn ugly because of his girlfriend.

best of luck to you!

Answer 2

My Personal Opinion:

1) The Girl might have a problem. Perhaps possessive or jealousy.Then again, the reason for your seperation might also have been possible for her actions. I do not know the full details from both parties, therefore its almost impossible to judge.

2) It is not wrong of her to aviod allowing other people, especially you to get hold of their house number. However, I feel that not allowing the boy to call out is simple too much, although the girl is not obliged to allow such a request. A possible solution could be to apply for "private number" whereby the outgoing caller's number is not displayed even on "caller IDs". This too, requires both parties to reach to an agreement and mutual understanding.

3) "If" the above mentioned regarding the statement on the sending you to jail is untrue (in other words, you did not commit anything wrong), which means that she is purposely threatening or intimidating the boy, then she is at fault and things could backfire. However, if that statement is true, I feel that its justified.

4) You can't blame his father for not trusting. He does not owe anyone any trust. I am unable to judge in this case as only the father knows his son well, (whether or not his son is prone to lying to get attention, or whatever motives). My opinions on the 4 possibilities include:
(i) If the son is prone to lying - Father's not at fault
(ii)If the son seldom lies - Father's at fault
(iii)If he does not care for/love the boy thus affecting his decision to belive - Father's at Fault (and vice versa)

5) All in all, I feel that they have a responsibility towards the child but not towards you. It might be hard for the girl to accept him, but such treatment is unnecessary.

And I don't really like to interfere with others' family problems or give comments usually. And worst thing is I don't know why or what made this an exception. But take note that this is just my personal perception from an outsider's point of view, and should not affect your decision (if your gonna try anything or whatever). Take things easy :) Good day

Answer 3

jeez Cindy - I really hate it when parents use the kid a s a tool - and when the parents new mates pull crap like that.

Tell dad he can see your son - DO NOT deny visitation please - but only for the day until the girlfriend agrees to NOT discuss ANYTHING with him about his mother.

Get a cellphone for the household - you can get a cheap pre pay type - and send it with your son every time he visits, so that he can call you any time he likes.

Speak with your ex spouse and tell him you don't want your son being used as a tool against you - or against him - and that you'd appreciate it if no adult things regarding the relationships in front of your son.

In the meantime, what's the dozy git think you've done to her? why does she think it was you? I don't buy her story about the prank calls, BTW - I think she was refusing to allow you son to talk to his dad.

Answer 4

I am a parent as well, and don't envy you one bit. You have a rough road ahead. I can give advice only because I have dealt with such a thing, both in my own life, and those around me.

Do not teach your son to hate his dad, no matter what, unless you eventually wish to see the same resentment directed at both of you eventually. Too many make this mistake, the effects I have seen numerous times.

As far as limiting his contact to the situation, I truly see little choice. Those who are abusive in word, often become abusive physically or emotionally. Scars in the flesh (of which I have many) heal over time, and tend to dim and fade away. Emotional scars (of which I have had more than my share) tend to fester and become worse over time.

If the lady is willing to lie about you, to hurt you through your son, or hurt your son using you, then she will have no compunction about doing it again. These cause emotional wounds, and should never be tolerated, for your sons sake.

If your ex truly loves his son, he will come around like my own father eventually did. If not, then there is truly nothing you can do, but try your best to always let him FEEL loved by you. (Everyone "knows" their parents love them, but amazingly enough few "feel" loved, even in a normal environment.)

Paul

Answer 5

This is unfortunate. I believe (if it hasn't been done) that the court order an evaluation of them. I have been a similiar situation, and no one wins, especially when the children are in the middle of it. They are using your son to try to get to you. This is why I made the recommendation. And it will only get worse as time goes on and your son is a teen ager.

Answer 6

oh man. you were in the right to try and get hold of your sons father to talk to becos your son wanted to talk to him before the op. i dont know. there is a lot of stress and hurt involved in this situation. try and rise above it for the sake of your son. someone has to. overall. i cant tell if you are in the right. i dont think you are a bad person. it sounds like you are in the right but i am not so sure that it matters who is right or wrong. i think you are a good mother who is trying to look out for her son. all you can really do is try and remain calm and do the right thing by your son. good luck.

Answer 7

Your son should always be able to contact both of his parents, especially his custodial parent, no matter what the situation. You have to honor whatever order for visitation that you have, but you can request it be supervised given your ex's obvious irresponsibility.

While she does have the right to restrict access to her phone (if it is paid solely by her) you have the right to contact your son and be certian he can contact you, 911, his dad, etc. Your son is supposed to see his father, not his father's girlfriend, and the behavior she is showing you says your child is not safe around her. You have every right to be concerned!

Answer 8

Are you wrong about what?

Edit: Well, Cindy it's really none of my business, but since you asked. My opinion is that your son's father's girlfriend is irrelevant at this time. It appears that your son's father doesn't want contact or a relationship with his son. It's difficult for me to conceive such a father? Your son needs his father's support and especially at a time like this. You can't force love, concern, honor and character. I hope, someday, your son's father wakes up to his responsibilities to his son, but he's the only one who can do it.

Answer 9

your son is too young to be thrown into this kind of evil drama. obviously both you, his dad and his dad's gf are not mature enough to keep the poor kid out of the backbiting and smear campaign.

since his dad has had nothing to do with him, why are you suddenly trying to jam the poor kid into a place where he is obviously not wanted??

raise your son. stop subjecting him to this emotional torture and blackmail. let his dad make the overtures if he wants to know the boy.

get over yourself and get a spine. if you need help to raise your son, get involved with a church that has a strong youth ministry. there are really awesome men in the church who will be happy to be role models for your son...

don't make that poor kid pay for your poor judgement in the past...

Answer 10

I'm sorry your son is ill and I hope he will be alright. I'm guessing there is more you wanted to tell us but it didn't come thru. My best advise is to get on good terms with your ex and his girlfriend -- for your son's sake. It will be hard for you but your son is worth it! I sincerely hope everything works out well for both you and your little boy---Brightest Blessings!