How can i tell her? Dont judge, and no rude comments.?

Question

My grandma has a really messy unhealthy house, and has cat poop and things that have pilled up over the years. My family and i are trying to get her out of her house (there are alot of memories there) We think she doesn't have hot water, no heat and no a/c. The house is a major health factor for her and her pets. We try telling her and talking to her about getting a new place but nothing works. --What can we do? Do you have any ideas? (I don't want to hear anything or comments like burn it down) She also won' t let anyone in her house to put in decent heat or a/c. She also wants one of the baby kittens i am bottle feeding ( shes a animal lover like me) but i don't want a kitten to go there because of fear of it getting sick from everything, but shes really counting on and wanting one for a companion (she lives alone). How can i say no with out hurting her feelings? Its either the kitten or her feelings...Thanks for you help.

Answer 1

Contact the fire dept to run a check on her house and they might condemn it.

Answer 2

You and your family need to sit down with Grandma and offer to come over and have a 'field day' at the house - really deep clean it.

She'll resist, but just tell her you're concerned about the amount of "things" that have piled up over the years, and won't she feel better in bright shiny place?

Let her know this is love, not accusations, and that you really want her to be comfortable and happy. Also hint that a nice dinner party might be a great way to show off the 'new' digs after it's all cleaned up. Maybe even promise the reward of a the kitten. Get her involved in the planning. Have her select a couple of things to keep from each room, and trash the rest.

This won't be easy, but you have the right stuff to make it happen. Good luck.

Answer 3

I feel for you. I have a similar situation with my homebound mother. She is still able to take care of the dog (letting him out), but the hair piles up and the dog spends too much time in the basement.

My 4 siblings and I are currently discussing what to do. We are heading towards an assisted living community. She (my mother) is very PRIDEFUL and this gets in the way. Sometimes I can see her acting like a little girl that pouts because she isn't getting her way. So I treat her that way. I tell her that when she is done pouting, we can talk.

When health is involved, there should be NO question. Especially if she is not taking care of herself or the pets. Get together with your family and confront her in love (firm love). Make a family day(s), weeks, etc of it and clean her home. Possibly schedule grandma for a check-up to see if she needs help. Get the animals checked out by a vet to make sure they are not sick also.

I am not making light of this, nor do I want to sound mean. This is a difficult situation, but someone has to do something.

Best wishes to you.

Answer 4

I will probably turn into someone like her someday. I have lots of stuff that I hang onto that has sentimental value only. What I would really love before it is too late is someone to HELP me sort through things and maybe your grandma wants that too. Offer to help her. Promise to let her have the final word on whether things are donated or saved or thrown away. If she likes the idea, just keep going until the whole house has been cleaned and sorted. She probably doesn't have the energy to do it herself. As for the kitten, you can take it for a visit, but don't leave it. Just tell her you are too attached to let it go.

Answer 5

You do realize that your grandma is mentally ill, don't you? Your parents can go to court and have her ruled mentally unstable and they will then be given power of attorney. They can have her placed in a mental health facility for a short time so she can get the mental help she needs. During that time your parents can clean out the house, put in A/C and heat and generally fix it up and make it habitable.
I feel sorry for your grandma and the family. It's not an easy situation but she is in danger and that has to take precedence over hurt feelings. If she had cancer you would make sure she got the help she needs and this is no less of an emergency.
I wish you all well.

Answer 6

This is so complicated, I don't know if I can address all the issues. I've been through it, but going through it doesn't give you a better handle on it, because everyone is different and has to be approached differently. Your Grandma is a hoarder. It's not uncommon, really it isn't. They never throw things away because they may be useful later on, or they place sentimental value on things. Many elderly people who grew up "doing without" learned to keep everything. My mother was sleeping on patched sheets while she had drawers full of sheets still in packages that she was saving "in case she needed them". You Grandma is afraid to call in someone to fix the heat and ac because she is afraid they would report how she is living to someone. She is aware that her house is a mess. The idea of cleaning is probably too overwhelming for her to even start. Letting someone know she cannot care for her home is like failure to her. She is afraid of being forced out of her home and her "things" (all that junk you see) and her pets being taken away from her. The first thing you and your family might try doing is going over there and helping her reorganize, clean and rearrange. Don't start out just marching in and grabbing stuff up and throwing it out....you won't get anywhere like that. You said she wanted a kitten? You didn't say how many pets she already has. If she isn't already overrun with animals, you might try saying, "Grandma, I'm going to help you clean up the house so you'll have room for the kitten." Instead of getting her out of her house, see if your family can help her make her house liveable again. If your family thinks she is mentally unable to care for herself that, of course, is another matter. Hoarding is an illness, but, if no other factors are involved, it is not something that should require making her leave her home (unwillingly) unless she will not allow any of you to help. Most hoarders know they need help, but are usually too ashamed to let people in their house. Maybe she doesn't need a new house, she just needs to be able to live in her own again. Involve her. Let her pick and choose things to keep in the house. Get a storage building to put in the back yard (or rent one of those storage units) Don't throw anything away...store it all. Sometimes it makes them feel better if they know it hasn't been thrown away. As I told you, there is just too much to consider. But you and your family have to actively take part because your Grandma can not.

Answer 7

Be honest - tell her that you would worry about the health of your kitten if it lived in her house. She needs help but if everyone tiptoes around the problem, she will never realise how bad the problem is. When you live like that the mess gets worse over time and you don't really realise how bad things are getting.
If she sees that you are truly concerned about the health of the kitten she may realise that the way she is living is unhealthy.

good luck

Answer 8

This may be a hard decision for you. People really adore memories and they love special new ones. Tell her their is may be a lot of memories in her house but imagine how many new ones their will be once she moves out their may be not that many in her new house but their will be plenty of them in her mind.Also maybe you can hire someone to help her around the house. Like cleaning or cooking.Have you ever thought that she doesn't have the physical ability yo either clean nor cook?Maybe you could sugest that and when she gets she gets suited with that you can give it to her. Or you cold just tell her the truth she will still love you.Last idea is for her to move in with you.

Answer 9

Maybe you could persuade her out the house to another relative's house that she trusts, and while she's out, you and the rest of the family could come in to clean and organize the house for her.
Or show some tough love by calling the ASPCA/animal control. They would be forced to remove her animals until she agreed to have the house cleaned. On that day, you and the rest of the family should be there to start the process. With in a short amount of time, she could have her animals back and the whle house would be safe for both your grandmother and the animals.

Answer 10

This not a rude comment. This is fact. According to what you describe. Your poor grandma needs to be living in an "Assisted Living Facility". She is no longer capable of taking care of herself. Or, she needs to have "Home Health" to come in to her home and take care of her. The kitten should be the least of your worries. Talk to your parents and see if they can't do something for your grandma's welfare. If this continues, your grandma will eventually be turned in to the health department, then she will be committed against her will. I'm sure you don't want this to happen to your grandma nor does you parents. So please check into this right away.

Answer 11

Don't give up the kitten. Tell her you are way too attached to it to let it live somewhere else. As far as your grandma goes, the older people get, the less they accept change and being given direction - especially from their kids (your parents). I would advise your parents get firm with her and TELL her some changes are going to be made for her own good. It's called tough love. She won't like it at first, of course, but she will appreciate it later. That means, call the HVAC company to schedule an appointment, show up and let her argue all she wants, but distract her while the work is being done.