How does depression affect a relationship?

Question

Do you find it difficult to communicate with the people in your life that you love the most, and find yourself cutting them out of your life? More specifically, have you had to end a relationship because of it, but couldn't bring yourself to communicate any further with that person even if they were offering support and help?? I've found myself in this situation, and don't know what to do to help him. I'm trying to be a friend to him, but he's not very responsive to me and I don't know if I should leave him be or keep offering support and letting him know I am there so he knows that I haven't abandoned him. I'm just having a hard time trying to figure out his unresponsiveness. He doesn't seem to want anything to do with me

I'm trying to be patient. We were going out for about 3 months when he told me it wouldn't work out for now because he had to fix things in his life so he could be happy. This all happened about 6 months ago. Still has not given a definite answer on the relationship, he just doesn't know what will happen. I've been offering support as a friend, and every once in a while I write an email to see how he's doing and to let him know I am there. Some he responds to, some he doesn't. He did respond to me last week, a few days after I had sent him an email encouraging him to get help. He said things have been painful and agonizing, and that the help he is getting isn't enough because his mind is still really uncomfortable. He plays in a band, and said that's all he really needs but everything else in his life still seems to be a disaster. I'm just looking for any input on his situation and what, if anything, I should do. I don't want to give up on him.....

I did consider that he was taking the cowardly way out, and even brought it up a few times through emails to him. But each time he assured me that I had nothing to do with it, I did not provoke anything, it was everything in his life he is exposed to that made him unhappy. He said he was not happy and that's all there is to it. He does have trust issues because his ex of 5 years cheated on him (which caused his depression in the first place), but he was honest with me about all of this in the beginning of our relationship. I completely believe him that he wasn't taking the easy way out, and that he just was not happy, period. I want to get through to him, but don't want to push him. I don't know if I should let him go at this point and see if he contacts me when he's ready to talk, or if I should keep in light contact now and again? He knows I'm always here for him

Answer 1

It sounds like he needs to see a therapist to talk to and they may suggest to him a psychiatrist who will prescribe him an anti depressant, if he is not up for going to counseling tell him to make an appt. with his health care doctor and they can prescribe a anti depressant for him.
Sadly, we can't change people no matter how hard we try, it is up to him if he wants help. I think he is still thinking of his ex wife who cheated on him and needs to talk t o some one to move on. That is why he is not sure of you cause his hurt feelings are getting in the way.
For your own sake if he does not want to get help, honestly, I fear he will not change and you'll get more frustrated, I know you don't want to hurt him but you are hurting yourself cause you could be in a relationship where you have a man who'd appreciate you.
Best of luck!

Answer 2

I know what you are going through, when we were dating my husband had depression pretty severely, we were just dating at the time and all of the things you are listing I also went through. I was angry that he would not just snap out of it and at time I was downright mean, I knew that if things did not change I was going to have to leave. I found myself not wanting to be around him, ever, he would cry almost all of the time and I swear til this day that was the worst part of it all for me, it would me so fire angry, but it was because I did not understand that he could not just snap out of it, it was not his decision to be that way, depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, he can only be fixed with medication. He needs to see a doctor asap and take charge, be there for him, with patience if you can muster it because I can tell you from experience it is not easy. I still get emotional about it with regret on how I could have been better and with the memory of how painful that time was and how I almost lost him. It lasted about 3 months, he took a month off of work and even entered into the hospital for a few days but after finding the right medication and letting it do its job he was himself again, that was six years ago maybe, anyway, get him help right away and good luck, hang in there, I was glad that I did.

Answer 3

As a carrier of the Bi-polar disease(manic-depression) I can tell you that unfortunately there is nothing that you can do except be there fpr him, and you can only do that if it doesn't interfere with your life, you must maintain boundries!! People with dpression tend to push everyone away in there lives, and are unable to even do the simplest of things like eating getting up to take a shower, etc. so for him to even be doing band practice is amazing. I would question the fact of that, and assume that he is using this as a scapegoat for breaking it off with you(sorry)! Yes, he may have depression, but alot of times people will use that as an excuse to deal with things in their life!! If he were truly tired of this feeling of nothingness, then he would seek help, in the form of medication, and therapy! Being a bi-polar(which consists of ups and downs, cycles of both depression and elation) or a depressant, is a hard long road that some people never find refuge!! I'm sorry but there is nothing you can do, he must do it himself, for himself!! Don't take any blame for his life, he is cxhoosing to not do anything about it, well then thats his choice!! Move on with your life, if he calls, answer, if he cries, put your shoulder out, if he talks, listen.....but do so without interfering with your own life, or letting it get to you!! Remember BOUNDRIES!! Good luck to you, and your friend!!

Answer 4

Unless you have horribly harmed his life in some way that a reasonable person could discern..you are not responsible for how this boy lives his life. He may need to see a doctor but may never go. That is not your fault. Chemical imbalances can happen to anyone.

If he has a regular physician, get him to one of those new little clinics that are everywhere and see if he will take one of those thyroid panels. It is a simple blood test involving the extraction of two vials of blood from an arm ( his arm ) and testing for levels of ingredients we all need which are manufactured by the thyroid gland. Make sure they fax the results to his regular physicians office as well as to give him his own copy of the results. The Mayo Clinic has a fantastic website online one can use to see what are normal and abnormal ranges of output of certain chemicals needed by all of us to control our metabolisms.

Also, if it hasn't been changed.. www.health911.com can be helpful. There are plenty of websites you can look at which contain lists of symptoms which may help your friend see he may have a health problem easily addressed by a good physical. Depression can be caused by so many factors.

If he won't go with you.. take one of his other friends aside and ask for help getting him to go. After that..if he won't go.. remember you did what a person who is a good friend would do.. and then you will just have to let it go. remember his birthdays.. remember the days that are important to him... but you are not in control of his life.

Answer 5

depression isn't a coward's illness... it's a medical condition and he probably needs to see a doctor. people just don't "get over it" alone sometimes.

your ex boyfriend has to take the initiative to help himself. you can't fix him.

being supportive is a good thing, but don't wear yourself out trying to help, especially since he doesn't seem very responsive.

i think emailing him once in a while is ok... meanwhile, live YOUR own life and do things which make you happy

i hope the guy finds a way to get through this.

Answer 6

...write this stuff to him directly darling....somehow I feel like you two aren't communicating properly with one another otherwise....are we clear on this stuff hun?
Writing helps you put down in words what some people can't communicate verbally here darling. Spontaneous answers sometimes come out looking and sounding like nothing we intended otherwise.......ya know what I mean reasonably darlin?.......let me know if you don't....cool?

Answer 7

Life is too short for such anguish. Leave him now and look to the future...there will be someone waiting who will truly respect you.

Answer 8

friends will do for now, let him take care of his business... don't confuse him or yourself any further.