What do you do when your 6 y/o says "I want to get dead"???

Question

It's a typical 'bad day' for my boyfriend's 6 y/o. I stay at home and take care of him while his dad is at work.

I've gotten on to him all day for various things (giving the dog his toys to chew up, back talking, giving smart alleck remarks, etc.). I told him that I would give him lunch at noon. At 10 'til noon, I was about to fix his lunch when he got in trouble again for smarting off again. I told him that he would have to wait. At 12:30, I fixed him leftover pasta salad. He complained about that (he LOVED it 2 days ago). I told him to eat it, so he whined and finally said "FINE!" in rude mannor. I told him that I was tired of his smart comments and that he would have to wait even longer. I send him to his room, and I was only going to wait a few minutes before I called him back. Unfortunately, he started throwing things, so I went in there and spanked him (no comments about that, because me and his dad won't listen to it). (continued with 'additional details')

Afterwards, he started saying "I wanna get dead" over and over.

I've gotten "I don't love you", "You're not my friend", "you're not my family" plenty of times, but what he's said now scares me.

I walked in there after standing outside his door listening a few minutes and asked him if he was ready to eat. He said yes, but he also said "You're killing me." I said "what?!" He said "you made my head hurt and it's killing me." (he gets headaches when he gets really angry or plays rough for hours on end). He's in there eating right now with no complaints.

The boy has been through way too much as a kid. His mother isn't in the picture anymore (thank god), and I'm doing the best I know how (I don't have any kids).

He also has ADHD and is taking meds for that as well as Bipolar Disorder.

What on earth do I do now??

He already sees a therapist and a psychiatrist.

This is ridiculous. I do spend plenty of time with him! We read books, play games, and I tutor him (he's a little behind in school). However, when he's bad, he knows that we can't do fun things together.

I can't take TV away because his TV time is limited to only when he's good (he gets irritated and frustrated when he watches too much TV).

I can't take toys away because then he has a reason to sit there and stare at the wall (his favorite pasttime).

Pretend I don't hear him??? I do that all day long!!! I pretended that the dogs didn't chew up the first 3 toys. I pretended that he didn't smart off the first few times.

This question may be pointless...

Flower Girl: I do use positive reinforcement! We have a chart of 'smiley faces'. He gets one every hour. He knows that he will be rewarded for the smiley faces he gets (he doesn't get one if he's been bad the past hour). At 1:00, we were SUPPOSED to play "Topple" together.

I need to do research on ADHD??? For one, I'm a psychology major. For two, I was diagnosed ADHD at 16 (wrong diagnosis, however). At 17, I was diagnosed Bipolar. TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT HE'S GOING THROUGH!!!!

My parenting style is almost the same as his dads. Maybe I should go drop him off at his mother's house where she can ignore him and beat him with a belt when he gets on her nerves... Then she can send him home in soiled clothes!!!

The boy doesn't know what 'family' is! He thinks his friend's are his cousins. He thinks his 'Mammaw' gave birth to him! He thinks his ex-stepmom is his real mom and his real mom is his step-mom!!!! AND YES, ME AND HIS DAD DO CORRECT HIM AND EXPLAIN THE TRUTH!!!!!

I GIVE THE F*CK UP.

When was the last time he was good? Just now. He's being good in the living room.

I didn't get on here to talk about when he was good.

Yesterday, we watched "Beauty and the Beast together," played school, and I let him help me cook. WOW I'm such a horrible person!

Didn't I mention that I'm bipolar (on meds, and they're working great). I deserved EVERY spanking I got as a child, Bipolar or ADHD or not!

I went in the living room where he was at about 1:15. He was a totally different person. We talked about his anger and frustration that's been going on up until now. I told his if he was good until 2:00 that we would do something fun together. Then he read me a book (he's actually AHEAD in reading now, when at the end of the school year, he was a little behind).

Too many people responded with rude comments. Why insult my parenting style when none of you know the whole situation?

I've gathered my parenting style for my mother, grandmother, sister, and friends with kids.

Yahoo Answers is apparently not the place to go. If I insulted you and your parenting style, why would you listen to what I have to say?

Maybe if people on here were a bit nicer, I'd be more inclined to listen to what they have to say.

Answer 1

I won't insult you. I don't even get a hint that you're a bad parent from what you've said. The reason I'm answering this is because my 4 y/o says the same thing to me.
Here's the thing...my daughter was confronted with death at a very early age. 10 days before her 4th b-day, we lost her 6 week old sister. However, even though she has had 1sthand experience with death, she still doesn't understand what it means...and I doubt your son does either.
Death is a hard concept for an adult to grasp, much less a little kid. I think when my daughter says "I wish I was dead" and "I wish you never borned me" she's actually just expressing an intense desire to get out of whatever situation she's in at the moment.
Occasionally, she has said that she wants to be dead to see her baby sister, and that is very obviously different. She's not wishing herself out of something, but instead, missing her sister.
Your son is trying to express a concept that is very common, he's just using words that are taboo because he doesn't know how else to say it.
I just always say to my daughter "no you don't, sweetie" or something like that and sometimes we talk about how death is forever and problems are not. How much I say about it really depends on the situation. I don't want to make a huge deal about it, but I also don't want her to think that dying is an appropriate solution to a problem.
Trust yourself...you seem to be doing well with the cards you've been dealt.

Answer 2

You can't use food as a punishment. I know how crabby I get if I'm hungry, and I'm sure you do too. Just imagine how it is for a 6 year old boy.

And, I know you said no comments about spanking, but if the child has ADHD and bipolar disorder, then you guys have no business spanking him at all for his behavior. He can't help it. If the meds aren't working, talk to the doctors, get him on new meds. Sometimes it takes a quite a few times trying different meds and different combos to get it right. If the child was autistic, had tourettes or was mentally retarded, would you spank him for his behavior then? I really hope not.

Maybe a child with his problems is more than you are equipped to deal with. You should learn more about his problems, join a support group or something to learn how to deal with this child the right way.

Plus, if all he ever hears from you is how bad he is and how he did this and that wrong, he's going to start believing that he is bad and can't do anything right (if he doesn't already believe it now). I know you have the chart with the smiley faces, but why is it every hour? A chart with a smiley face maybe every day, but every hour? So every hour of the day he has to reminded of his bad behavior. When does he get time just to be a little kid?

I know it sounds like everybody is getting on your case and I don't mean to be, but we are all just thinking of this poor child. You have to think of it from his perspective. Rules, punishment and consistency are great, but you really do need to back off a bit. Let him be a kid and recognize that it isn't going to be as easy as if he were a kid with absolutely no problems. And if you really care about this boy, you'll make the effort.

***Maybe that's the problem. You shouldn't have been spanked either***

Answer 3

I know how hard it is to be a parent ( Im a parent to a 7 yr old son) At six years old it is hard for him to express his feelings in a "grown up" way. When you are sad or angry you can simply talk about it or send him to his room, but when he has overwhelming feelings he doesnt know what to do except things that he knows will get a rise out of you. The only advice I can give is to try to come down to his level just a bit...he is only six, maybe you can cut him a tiny bit of slack. Of course he shouldnt be back talking and making rude comments, but as a fellow parent I can say that sometimes the best punishment for that is to ignore it and really pick and choose your battles. Is he getting plenty of stimulation during the day? Make sure he has lots of things to do and make sure you are doing some stuff with him too. It was probably devastating to him that his daddy and mommy are not together and he doesnt know how to handle it. You could try and get him into counseling...I know its expensive, but if you have insurance they will usually pay and it would probably do him good. Why not try renting a movie tomorrow and spending some quality time with him and have a heart to heart? Tell him to tell you what he has really been feeling and ask what you could do to help him feel better...it cant hurt and he would probably appreciate it. Good Luck!

Answer 4

Wow, yeah there are a lot of issues going on. It's sad to hear that he has bipolar at such an early age. Obviously, he doesn't feel wanted. He's acting out to get attention, and the only way he knows how is to smart off and such. Yeah, the spanking....I'm not sure that is going to help the situation with a 6 year old whom has ADHD and bipolar. It's the parenting, not the child. He's only 6. His mom's not around, and he has live with the fact that his dad has a girlfriend that is going to act like his mom. He's only 6 years old! He needs to be put in a loving comforting SAFE environment. You and you boyfriend need counseling on how to parent him.

Edit* WOW! Based on your extended ongoing post I can see where there is a lot of issue within the household. You are right! If you don't want to hear honest opinions, don't come to Yahoo! Answers...if you want to hear buttered up opinions go seek a professional. They will butter up the answers for you there. It's a serious matter that should not be taken to any degree of lightness, and your attitude of "I give the F*uck up!" is a joke!

Answer 5

Poor kid. It sounds like he's had a lot of instability in his life. My props go to you for trying to find answers and not give up on a child that isn't yours like so many step parents do. I wish I had advise for you on how to handle that, I don't know if he is lashing out for attention or a bad seed, but I'm sure that under all that hostility he is probably a very sweet little boy when he chooses to be. The best thing you can do is to continue with exactly what you are doing. Be patient with him, be understanding, but you have to be firm too. He needs to know the limits and the rewards for good behavior as well as the punishments for bad. Good luck, and way to go! Keep it up.

Answer 6

Food is nourishment not to be used for punishment or rewards. Sorry you are going about it wrong- you need to take away something he really likes! TV works pretty well at this age - no TV for a few days should do the trick.. Patience its almost school days again - hallelulia!

I have noticed a marked increase in poor behavior amoung the children I watch every day as the summer progresses. They are bored, sick of sitting at home and ready to go back to school.
As for his remarks - he is too young to really comprehend what he is saying. He has heard some adult say their head is "killing them" when they had a headache so he says it then too.
Perhaps a check at the doctors - explain these episodes of poor behavior and ask about changing his medications some of the newer drugs for ADHD are much better for long lasting results(all day long) and help children with problems behave better.
Try to imagine being him - treat him as you like to be treated. We often treat our friends with more respect than we do our children. Also your statement that the boy is "your boyfriends son" indicates and unwillingness to accept him as part of your "family". You need to spend more time enjoying him and less time punishing -you may find a wonderful little man inside that boy.

Answer 7

I think the kid should go to counseling. I don't mean to be rude (at least not my intention), you should seek the "root" of his frustration. I believe is as a "parent" / "step-parent" one should set a good example themselve, if you can't show patience to a kid then don't expect they have patience as well. Kids are usually "monkey see what monkey do." If he's shouting, yelling, tell him in a firm voice, we'll talk about this when you calm down. Sometimes just be a little diplomatic, give him a glass of milk or water and ask: "Have a sip of water / milk, i'm afraid your throat hurts after all this yelling." When he calm down then talk.

Answer 8

First of all - he's SIX for goodness sake. All of his actions are trying to get some attention. Instead of giving him such negative attention and consequences, why not try the alternative? This child is not yours and he knows it. He is left with you, who are not family, all day. It sounds like you aren't quite sure how to deal with him. I would get some outside support help with children with adhd to help you understand his needs better. You said not to comment on the spanking but I can't help it. Spank him all you want - you are just releasing your anger and frustration on him because it is obviously not working. And, the reason he has upgraded to these more severe sayings is because no one heard him when he was saying things that were more mild.

Answer 9

take your child to counseling, perhaps art therpay counseling. i would take a parenting class too, so you can see what methods work.

ps. you should never punish a child by denying/postoning him food (with the exception of dessert). you're better off restricting toys, games or something or even a time out.


pps. maybe a support group would work...a support group for parents of mentally ill children. what state are you in? if you're in NJ, you can call 1 800-367-6274; if not, call them and see if they can you give you a referral for your state, if not, call your local social service agency and they should be able to direct you further.

pps. i'm not insulting your parenting style--i just feel that most people should gain parenting style and learn about development of each level of childhood.

Answer 10

Wow, can you remember a time when this kid was good??

I've gotten on to him all day for various things
he started throwing things, so I went in there and spanked him
It's a typical 'bad day' for my boyfriend's 6 y/o

Doesn't sound like he is ever good?
Do you ever praise him for anything good?
Having one boy is a cake walk, we have three, this boy is not going to have any kind of good future if this boy can not do anything right.

This is not your kid, you are the glorified babysitter. Please for the sake of this child go get some training in children. If you stick around until this kid is a teenager, you wont survive.....