What to do?????

Question

Okay, just looking for some good advice, not criticism. My brother is engaged to a girl who has been married twice already. They are planning a huge bash next summer (250+ to the wedding and reception). They have asked me to stand up in teh wedding, but I do not agree with it and haven't really made my decision yet. She is planning to fly to Miami to have a designer dress made and have booked a $25,000 reception. This is her 3rd marriage (who knows how long its going to last) and I feel like they are getting married because both of them were lonely. My brother makes good money and I feel like she is taking advantage of it. If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Its hard to stand by and watch my brother be used. I feel like he is honestly blind to all of her games.

Answer 1

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Unfortunately, you may be correct in everything that you say, but you are in a no-win situation. If your brother loves this woman, then he is going to marry her whether or not you approve. Not participating in the wedding is not going to stop it and, in fact, will possibly make an enemy of your brother.

IF everything that you suspect about her turns out to be true, then your brother is going to need you there to be his support system when the whole thing falls apart. And the main thing he WON'T need is someone standing back with their arms folded saying, "I told you so." He will want to find family members who stood by his side when he got married and who will still be his family if it doesn't last.

It could also be true that this woman just had bad luck or used bad judgment twice before, but that your brother really is the right man for her. So many people get married so many times these days that no one can say that they're all bad people. If she learned from her mistakes, then maybe this will all turn out right.

You said you were looking for advice, and mine is this: stand by your brother. It's okay to have a talk with him during a calm and quiet moment and say, "Here's what worries me. I only bring it up because I love you." If he's any kind of a man, he'll hear you out, accept your concern, and still love you as his sibling. You're in a tough spot, but handle it with grace and you can maintain your family relationship, no matter what this woman does. An old cliche, but true: blood is thicker than water.

Good luck!
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Answer 2

I think about all you can do in this case is let your brother know you love him no matter what, and then be there for him if things fall apart the way you expect them to.

With a track record of two divorces, I don't blame you for being concerned, but it's your brother's decision to make and he's made it. Will refusing to be in the wedding party hurt his feelings? If so, I'd think long and hard before turning down the role. If you just can't bring yourself to stand there with a smile on your face, then try to find some other thing you can do to support him.

Besides, it's possible that you'll turn out to be wrong. Sometimes the most unlikely couples turn out well. So do whatever you can bring yourself to do to help your brother.

And if it ends badly, never say 'I told you so.' Just do your best to be for him then, too. You can't stop people from making their own mistakes.

Answer 3

Wow ok so I completely disagree. You didn't say being married before made her a bad person, but several divorces does mean that she has not the patience or understanding for marriage, nor does it imply she's figured out what she is doing wrong in her marriages. Perhaps its her horrible use of money that has driven her husbands to divorce.

I would sit down with your brother alone and explain to him your concerns. Be mature and calm with him but explain that you are questioning of her commitment to him and fear he may be used by her. Also perhaps get him a book on 101 questions to ask before you get married, to see if they've talked about the important things. See how he takes this brotherly concern.

I dont know if I would be in the wedding or not. I'd go of course--b/c after you've talked to him and expressed your feelings, he is a grown man and free to do whatever he wants. But I feel standing up as a groomsmen should mean you support the wedding. But perhaps having a talk with your brother will convince you he does know what he is doing and you'll want to stand up. Perhaps you'll see he is completely blind and will respectfully decline. Do what you feel is right and don't base it on how others react to your choice.

Answer 4

I understand that it's hard to be supportive, but your brother is a grown up, so it's his decision. If you say something to him about it, it's likely to only cause a rift between the two of you while doing nothing to get him away from his fiance. Your best bet is to just support your brother in all that he does, even when you disagree with him. Later, if the marriage doesnt work out, you should support him through that as well (and be sure not to say, "I told you so.")

As far as being in the wedding or not, that's up to you. You can either stand up in support of your brother (after all, it's his wedding too) or you can politely decline with the excuse that you just don't feel like you know the bride well enough to fill this important role.

Answer 5

The wheels are already in motion on this event, so unless the woman is cheating or something equally as awful against your brother, anything negative that you have to say about her will not be regarded well by him.

Also your brother is a grown man and no one can make these types of decisions for him. Looks like you'll have to bite the bullet on this one. Step up and be in the wedding, wish him the best and all that. We all need to learn the hard way don't we? If the shoe were on the other foot, you would feel the same way.

Answer 6

I would sit down and have an honest conversation with your brother. If you feel so strongly about this marriage (and for good reasons, not just because you don't like her) I think it's important that your brother knows. If she has exhibited behaviour that you think is very questionable, tell him.

My fiance didn't support his father in his second wedding. He saw things in his dad's fiance that were unattractive and dishonest that his dad didn't see because he was so blinded by his feelings for her. My fiance expressed his objection many times to his father, but he never listened. He later wrote him a letter, telling him that he didn't support their marriage, he didn't believe in their relationship and that he wasn't going to their wedding. My fiance's instincts were right about her and they were divorcing a year later. His dad was very financially fortunate too (at the time) and she would spend ridiculous amounts of money on very stupid things, like $500 for a single curtain tassle.

The only thing you can do is forewarn him. Go to him with an open heart and an open mind. If he can't see what you're talking about, then you have a lot of thinking to do. You can go and support them, or you can not. If you choose to not support them though, be sure that it's for the right reasons. I would never want you to regret it for the rest of your life if they do end up happliy ever after.

Good luck!

Answer 7

no, it is not hard AT ALL. the fact that you know deep down your heart that Allah is The Only One True God and Creator, and that Muhammed is his messenger and so is Jesus Christ, then you are ready to go. you are ready to say the Shahada which is "I bear witness that there is no God but Allah, and Muhammed is his messenger"... and when you breath that in, you are ready to go. you will feel such a relief and a beautiful peaceful sensation than ever before. just the fact that you have submitted everything to Allah and became a Muslim is very overwhelming. Are you kidding? honey, you are already accepted in the Mosque. it is the house of God. no one has the right to not accept you. And the Muslim community is a very embracing and welcoming community, believe me... They give you spirtual support more than you ever dreamt of. from this day forward, you are all sisters. you're my sister, and i am yours. so Yeeyyyye!!! I personally wish i could marry a convert... really. because, usually converts have this glow in them. their faith is so strong, they are very inspirational. the best thing about that is that they have tried both ways. they have experienced life as a non-Muslim and life as a Muslim, and they can tell the huge difference. so i am sure there are a lot of guys out there who would wish to marry a convert. i mean, there is no discrimination, we are all Muslims. Love is in the air, right?! Anyway, i hope you have a great time saying the Shahada. it is an unforgettable feeling... so enjoy it. and whenever you need a friend to talk to, i will be here, okay? feel free to email me at any time... Allah Bless you... :)

Answer 8

First of all you truly don't know how he feels about this girl, and if he says that he loves her then he must. I realize that you want to protect him from her, but this is not your job and could only cause animosity between the three of you. I would suggest that you stand in the wedding for your brother, and be there for him. If this marriage doesn't last then you will be able to be there to help him pick of the pieces.

Answer 9

I know it's hard to watch someone do something you're sure is wrong, but you can't make decisions for anyone but yourself.

However, do you want to not be a part of a day that's really important to your brother?

Btw, being divorced doesn't make her a bad person - do you know the story of her previous marriages?

What would I do? I'd let my brother know how I feel and do it now - before the wedding plans are set. But, I'd be prepared for my brother to tell me to go jump in a lake, too.

Answer 10

It's not your "right" or "privilege" to agree/disagree with your brother's future spouse. Nor is it any of your business what he does with his money or life... The only thing you can do is support him and his decision to marry his future bride and hope that they make each other truly happy.. Besides, if she's used to giving/getting walking papers then it would happen hopefully sooner than later... Right? So, be in the wedding and be a good brother and put your feelings aside in this matter... Good luck