What if two people don't agree on the number of children that they want?

Question

I know this question doesn't really have a "right" answer. I know it just depends on the individuals. So, this is just a hypothetical/opinion question.

If there is a couple that already has two children and they are at in impasse about whether or not to have one more child...

Should they stop at two, knowing that one parent feels like their family is incomplete? The partner loves the children that are there and knows that they could be happy with just the two, but will always wonder about and mourn for the third child that could have been.

Or should they go for one more, knowing that one of the parents isn't 100% on board with it? That partner also loves the two that are there and is a great parent, but doesn't want to disappoint the other parent and knows that they will grow to love a third child just as much as they love the existing two.

What would you decide?

Answer 1

From Dr. Laura - "The No's ALWAYS win". Nobody should be forced to have a child, and no child should have to enter this world unless the parents are whole heartily in it.

Answer 2

If one partner is not on board, I would not go forward. But I would ask my partner to agree to re-visit the topic at a later date.

Minds change. Little ones get bigger, and the prospect of adding another becomes less terrifying.

I'd table the discussion with a plan to talk again in six months. In that time, you may break the impasse. Or one of you may change your mind.

During that time, I'd try to examine my expectations. Your family *is* complete--it was complete when you were a couple without children. It was complete when you added your first. And it is complete now. Adding another member would be joyous--but If there is a sense of incompleteness that extends beyond the desire to fill your arms again, what is missing? I'd want to explore that a bit--because a baby is not the remedy. A baby will not make you, or your family, whole.

If you wind up reluctantly making a decision that is sad for you, remember that all mothers--no matter how many children they have---reach a point where there will be no more for them. And no matter how content they are with the number they have, many experience grief for the ones they did not have.

In that case, your grief will be hugely overshadowed by the joy of your two beautiful children.

I hope you work this out in a way that makes you BOTH happy :)

ETA: You do have TONS of time---and I promise, age differences are meaningless. Truly.

Answer 3

It has to be agreed upon by both parents I believe. We have one child now, and I wanted another, but my husband did not at first. After talking about it we agreed to wait a few years until Maya was 5 and then see if I still wanted another.

But my husband all the sudden decided he wanted another child as well, once the pressure was taken off. So now we are trying for another. I really feel the same way you described. It was as if I already have the second child, like I already love that child even though it has not been conceived yet.

A person should speak to their partner about why they want another child, and plan to revisit the issue in a couple of years. Then take the pressure off and allow their partner to let it sink in. But something like this should not be forced.

Answer 4

stop at 2. imagine how you would feel if your husband wanted 4 cars and you thought that 2 or 3 was plenty since you only have 2 driving adults in your household. just because you are happy with the two cars that you already have, doesn't mean that you would learn to like the extra car your husband bought. as a matter of fact, with each car payment and repair cost, you would probably grow very resentful toward the cars and your husband. a child is a much larger commitment of time and money than cars. children are an 18 yr commitment, and if you send them to college, the commitment is even costlier. recent studies have shown that raising a child from 0 -18 costs $1 million. your husband has made it clear that he isn't willing to make that type of commitment to another child. if he is happy with the 2 you have, leave it at that. why introduce a child to your family that your husband has admitted he doesn't want. don't assume that he will "grow to love" the kid. he is being very clear about what he wants. this will only cause him to feel manipulated and resentful toward you and the 3rd child.

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Answer 5

I think the real question is why would someone "mourn for the third child that could have been?" The third child is hypothetical while the other 2 children are real. A slippery slope!

Answer 6

just put all the energy into loving and caring for the 2 they already have. They should never have a child if one person isn't 100% on board with it. two is plenty these days anyway

Answer 7

Baby, I wish I knew. *hugs* Maybe when he puts on rank he'll feel a little more comfortable financially. Were the kids absolute pills to him today? I really do think Jesse wants more, but the possibility of "now" probably just scared the **** out of him. Maybe you just need to remind him what a good dad he is and how much he loves his children and really does want another. You're both young. You have plenty of time to change his mind and procreate later.

Answer 8

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Answer 9

you already have two children.. I say wait a few years.. let them grow up a bit..
my mom, when she had me said that she wouldnt have any more kids..
then she had my younger sister when I was 2.
When me and my sister were growing up... I was 16 and my sister was 14.. my parents decided to have another kid as they were seeing that me and my sister were growing up, going to be moving out the house soon, and wanted another kid to kind of... "keep them company". lol.
Wait a few years til they get older.. peoples opinions on life, and kids change.
I never wanted to have kids.. or get married.. but I now have a beautiful 8 month old... and have been with my boyfriend for over a year now.

Answer 10

I am one of three children and let me tell you that two children is fine. If one parent isnt on board than you definately shouldnt go for it. It's almost the same deal as if you didnt have any children at all and one wanted to have a child and one parent didnt. You should also base your desiscion on financial income. And remember that although the first two will fight, another one will fight even more. (I Know).
GL