3 year old beating up 8 year old...HELP!?

Question

My 3 year old son is abusive to his 8 year old brother. We've tried everything that i could think of to make it come to an end but so far nothing has worked. The 8 year old knows that the 3 year old is smaller and he will not hit him. It is really becoming a problem and he is starting to lose his temper a little more now than before. I want this to end before the 8 year old really does blast off. Any suggestions?

spanking has been done. time out has been done. We've tried letting them fight it out. We've tried separating the two of them. Etc Etc Etc. We are a stable and very happy family. I stay at home with the children and take very good care of them. We dont need therapy. The 3 year old seems to want the 8 year olds attention which he doesnt give him because of the age difference. It's an ongoing problem. Please dont be rude with your comments. People like me do not deserve that. I am just asking for a solution that does not involve going against good judgment and moral values.

also my 8 year old is 90lbs and the 3 year old is only 26lbs there is no fair fight there.

And as for our diet we're generally pretty healthy eaters. We exercise and cook as a family.
The 8 year old is diabetic so over the last year our eating habits have drastically changed.

I just want to thank everyone for the wonderful and not so wonderful answers. Just recently I've come to the conclusion that the 3 year old only has respect for authority. I made my oldest stand up to him and tell him not to hit him anymore. He made himself into an authority figure and the 3 year olds abusive behavior has stopped. I also wanted to add that the abusive behavior was ONLY towards the 8 year old. He has never been cruel to any other children or adults. I am not sure why it is that children think like they do. I am no psychologist but alone we've come up with a healthy solution to an unhealthy problem.
again many thanks

Answer 1

I know this really sounds immature and inhumane but once your older son does go off on your younger son it will stop. Just make sure the role doesn't switch, but stop. I know this from experience, being the "older brother" in my family. All it took was a good clear message to get my point across to my little brother who thought he was invincible.

Answer 2

I had a three year old once with the same behavior...his big brother (or two older sisters) would not defend themselves, either...my fault, from the time he came home from the hospital until around three y/o, all he knew was that he could do anything because I always told his older siblings "he's a baby, he doesn't know that he is hitting that hard" or some such garbage as that. Big mistake! Children pick up on behavior patterns from a very, very young age. Anyway, when the other children went to school and he started trying to have that little attitude thing with me(I also tried the traditional methods of discipline) I asked his Dr. after she made sure there was no underlying medical causes..she suggested a puppy. A puppy for him to be pals with, to play rough with, to use some of the energy that he used being a bully. It also, helped teach him some responsibility. Worked wonders!!! But, every child is different, so please don't rule out some small underlying medical condition( such as an allergy to something), or therapy for him. Oh, my three year old is now 22 and sees the same behavior in his nephews and he remembers how he was and he tells me thank you for his 'Baby' ( his dog- an American Rottweiler). We have also gotten the boys(my grand children) a puppy.

Answer 3

It sounds like you have tried everything. You know there really isn't any good training to be a parent. You try doing your best or what your parents did (or not do what they did). When you are so close to the situation sometimes you can't see the solution. There are professionals that can help. If you want to help your family and have your kids grow up happy you need to give that a try. For some reason there is a stigma about getting professional advice - you have to care more about your kids then about that. Getting some professional help doesn't mean your are a failure at parenting it means your a model parent - you will do anything to make the family situation right.
I am not a professional but this behavior seems to be a problem that isn't going to get better -

Answer 4

Does anyone know what are the charges for those girl who beat up the 16 years old??? Cause I heard something on tv that the only thing that's gonna happen to them is home arrest, that they can only go to school and can't have any access to internet (myspace, youtube). I'm not sure about that (that they gonna be only home arrested), but Im really mad about it, because I thought that the law was gonna be a little bit tough on this case! I think they should be in jail, all of them! OMG, their bail was set by the judge in 30,000 dollars, it should be at least 250,000 so they would stay there for a really really long time 'til their parents work their asses and get the money LOL, and TORI should sue them for millions of dollars, that way it will be a little bit well paid, but that poor girl will never never never be the same she was before! Get well soon TORI, america's supporting u!

Answer 5

You have to make your three year old understand that you will not tolerate him being abusive to his brother. You don't have to yell, spank or be upset in any way when he behaves badly becuse sometimes kids like attention, even if it is negative attention like anger or yelling. You tell him he is not to hit his brother, and if he does there must be a consequence - whether it be time out etc. Often people say that these things don't work but it's usually becuase the punishment is not consistent. you must do it each and every time - and if possible, without getting too upset. Just cooly tell him this behaviour is not acceptable and give him a time out etc. Make sure to give him lots of attention and praise him when he does positive behavours and consistently give him a time out or ask him to go to his room each and every time he is abusive to his brother. It is very important for you to not get too upset. Becuase if you do get upset, just imagine how much power the little fellow thinks he has that he can cause such a commotion. Just remain cool and calm so that he knows you are in charge. It seems like it will never work but if you are consistent you should be able to change the behaviour before it becomes a pattern of behaving for him. Good luck

Answer 6

ok, hitting him to say he shouldn't hit is not the right message.

There have to be CONSISTENT consequenses when he hits. Yes you say you have tried time outs and such, but do you TRULY enforce it, say if he gets up, do you put him back on the chair, or after a while do you give up and just let him have his way? Did you have time out in a place where there is zero stimulation and you can keep an eye on him? Sometimes what should be a 5 minute time out can last for 4 hours if it becomes a power struggle, but that is just what you have to do.

Do you take away something he values but give it back too soon? Or do you not take the right thing, something that he will truly miss?

If you feel it is for attention, then what about finding other children closers to your son's age that can come over for playdates?

If that doesn't help, or if he starts to hit the children close to his age as well, you may have a medical problem on your hands...a temper disorder where it WOULD be in your best interest to have him seen by a psychologist. Just to rule it out as a possibility.

Answer 7

I know exactly what your talking about. My twon sons age 5 and 6. went through very similar. Counseling, won't help. I get the feeling your a lot like me and are very family oriented. The thought I had was, set your two boys down and tell the the changes you are going to make in the house and what the consiquences will be for disobeying those new changes. (When you do this be prepared to be tested and for things to get worse before they get better) Before you sit them down make a chart that will fit you schedule and that you can beifit from. On the chart Set times where the boys play together (a couple different /short time), where they play seperately, and where they each get one on one time with parents.(this may not be able to happen every day , but try to make it a weekly habit). Also set family time together. When they get to play together the first time during the day and they can do that nicely and appropriately, then they will be able to play together at the next time. (You'll have to have a chart to show your three year old since he probably doesn't know how to tell time.). Make sure you give each child the chance to pick what it is they play and on the third time of them playing together they decide together. Be consistant, don't give in. If they can't play nicely and appropriately have them (the one who broke the rule) sit on his bed during the next play time.

You could also. Give him tokens he has earned the first time they played together towards the next time they play together.

The idea is to keep it consistant, easy, interesting, and POSITIVE! (That does not mean no disipline!)

Answer 8

If you’ve tried spanking, separating them, letting them fight it out (and HOW is that going to work since you’ve already said the 8-year-old knows not to hit back, so basically you’re just letting the 3-year-old hit the 8-year-old until he wears himself out?!), then you need to consider therapy/counseling/professional help. You have to do something. You cannot allow your toddler to abuse your older child, and you cannot allow your toddler to think that he has the right to treat people that way. If you don’t get it under control, both of your kids will have (potentially BIG) problems later in life as a result of this. Get the help that you need and stop hiding behind the excuse that “we’re a happy family, so we don’t need help”, because frankly it doesn’t sound like your home is filled with happiness to me. But it can be if you get some help with this problem. Asking for help is not an indication that you’ve failed in some way (and I get the impression that that's how you view it and that's why you're resisting it so much). It’s merely an indication that you want to remedy the problem.

Answer 9

I tell my kids that whatever the younger kids do to them..do it twice as rough. They 3 year old needs a time out away from doing his favorite things/tv etc. It's hard when you trying everything. Parenting tips are really great! You can go to google and look up some really easy good tips that will change things like you won't believe. You are not helpless either. I have a very ornery little girl here, but if you get help you can learn how to easily deal with it so the stress doesn't drive you nuts. I am glad I got help :o)

Answer 10

Let the 8 year old hit back the 3 year old, even at that young age the 3 year old have to learn the consequences of his actions. I have once encountered a small child hitting his father's face and crying for something, his father then ran out of patience and slap the child and the child immediately stopped his annoying behavior.