Why is it that men think women try to control them?

Question

Why is it that just because a woman cares about what happens to her man, and says how she feels about something he is doing that's wrong, he gets defensive and says "you don't control me, I am a free man." My boyfriend likes to drink beer, I would go so far as to say he is a functioning alchoholic. He is pretty easy going as long as he stays strictly with beer, his tolerance for it is amazing, he could drink a case or more at a time and not even seem drunk. Anyway, he took another parttime job, he said, to stay busy so he wouldn't drink so much on the weekend, well the job is at a video store and one day he found out one of the employees drinks a few beers at work everyday, so then he started drinking at work, I said I think it is wrong to drink at work and he says I can't control him, so then he asked ME to bring him beer to work and I said NO, he got mad, said I am controlling him and I said no, I am controlling me, and I choose NOT to bring him beer at work. Am I right or wrong?

P.S. my boyfriend and I have lived together for over two years, so he really is more than just a boyfriend to me, that's why I care so much about what happens to him and if he is hurting his body by drinking too much etc.

Answer 1

You're right. YOu shouldn't bring beer to him, and he's really not supposed to be drinking while on duty of any job.
I suppose there's nothing wrong with him drinking sometimes AS LONG AS it doesn't cause him to get violent, abusive, or if he gets "fall over and throwup" drunk.

And there's nothing wrong with you being concerned for him; that's what lovers are for.

Answer 2

Darlin...good try not enabling him. You said no...and therefore you are controlling?

You will read it over and over again..and you won't want to believe it...but it is true. You are enabling him. Here is why:

He is looking for whatever excuse he can to find to drink.

Yes...(in his eyes) he can justify drinking on the job...and you trying to help him is distracting you from what we can see....

Focus hard:

You are with an alcoholic. And he will not change. And you will never change him.

Solution: Let him drink. Let him drink all the time. Don't encourage another job or not to drink or anything....at all.

Just go on with you life...and let him live his. The answer will come. I promise you it will come. He will get a DUI or will be fired, or will lose you. SOME thing will happen.

Just not today. And he will always think he can get away with it.

You are a dear kind person. Not controlling at all. But you are a bit too nice to offer to protect a guy that is trying really hard to ruin his life.

Do him a favor, let him mess it up now. He can at least use his youth as an excuse. Face it...in a few years, everyone will figure his problem out.

Why do you want to be with him? You can find love anywhere....really. Find someone worthy of your love.

Answer 3

My boyfriend of 3 years is an alcoholic. He can't keep his life together and his sober house closed the program, so I took him in. Now that he has more connections at another sober house, I think of kicking him out.
The onset of the alcoholic's manipulative and controlling behavior can be insidious. When he is on a roll, my boyfriend badgers the living hell out of me.
I sense that your boyfriend is getting increasingly insensitive to you. The manipulative tactics will probably increase.
Alcoholism can be a very horrible problem.
I don't believe that anyone should be guilt-tripped into staying w/an alcoholic especially when they are not his family. We may love a person and want to help them, but we can't overlook the true danger that such an addiction can present.
Seeing someone go thru DTs and withdrawal can be a shocking event. During the delirium and blackouts, the person may lose connection w/reality and really not know what they are doing. First signs of an impending withdrawal will be the anxiety and compulsion for more booze..this can be a particularly dangerous time as the alcoholic may use varying forms of demand/force to get alcohol if you know what I'm saying. Then will come shakiness and sort of spastic movements. Deliriums may set in. The deliriums/disconnections w/reality usually only last a few minutes.. but it's enough time to walk into traffic or get into trouble w/the law. A really bad withdrawal can not only be upsetting, but it can be actually deadly dangerous to the alcoholic if done too quickly. As weird as it sounds, home detox tends to be done by giving lowered amounts of alcohol. People shouldn't be doing home detox, but after repeated problems or the belief that the problem at the moment isn't so bad, they often turn to it. Professional detox tends to be done by giving sedatives such as librium and atavan. It is not cheap.
I hope that your boyfriend isn't going down such a bad path.
Perhaps I'm scaring you more than I should. I'm just trying to let you know the signs of a deteriorating situation.
It may sound harsh, but I think it may be time for you to get separate living quarters and move on.

Answer 4

I'd say that frequently ladies do manipulate guys. It's often simpler for a girl to have intercourse. It's additionally mentioned that at the back of each triumphant guy is a lady. Also, as a rule a sake of the ladies controlling the guys with their emotional approaches. Matriarchal society pretending to be patriarchal.

Answer 5

This isn't a general "men think women are trying to control them" question, it's a specific problem with your current boyfriend who is an alcoholic. If he shows no inclination to change this situation, you're in for a hard time down the road. Please resolve this before you think of having children.

Answer 6

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” - Albert Einstein