What your view on working vs stay home mothers?

Question

I have an 8 month old baby and am not currently working so I can care for him. I did go back to work part time when he was 3 months old but struggled so badly with childcare (I have no family nearby to care for him and couldn't afford the childcare, plus hated leaving him with someone else) that I gave up 3 months later.

I love being at home with him but I know I won't be able to do it forever, my partner is a low wage earner and we are struggling on just his salary. It would be great to work from home but I don't have any skill that would make that feasible and my house is not suitable for me to be a childminder.

I feel guilty at staying home and not working as it means we struggle for money and can't give him all I'd like to. But then I'd feel guilty if I went to work and left him with someone else all day!!!

Whats your view - is it best for a mother to stay home (even if it means the family purse strings being tight) or work and bring in extra cash?

Missbeans -

I'm in the UK.

I have got a degree but it has never helped me get a job (like many Brits )and I've had to work in callcentres alongside loads of other graduates. I'm thinking of going back to college to re-skill as my degree is not helping me but don't know what course to do.

Obviously we know minimum wage is not going to be liveable for the rest of our lives and my partner wants to retrain but is finding it very hard to find funding because there isn't much in the UK for adult re-training.

Bringmesunshine - sorry you don't like my views on immigration (which I have a right to hold in a free country) however that has nothing to do with this question so I'd ask you to keep your childish playground jobs to yourself.

Answer 1

It is tough now, because not many people earn enough to be able to live on one salary alone - certainly not in Greater London where I live!

I'm still not sure what I will be doing once my baby is born & my maternity leave ends... I know that I wont want to leave him with a stranger, but I'm not sure that we will cope on just my boyfriends salary. I think I will most likely try to work part time, but hours that will work around my boyfriends so that I can leave the baby with him.

There are jobs that you can do this with, they wont be the most glamorous or challenging of work - but it will bring in some extra money! Things like cleaning, working in a supermarket, even if its only a few hours in the evening every little helps. Jobs with shift work can also be useful to look at too. I've yet to see a work from home opportunity that hasn't been a scam, so be wary of anything like that. As your baby gets older you can maybe look at working 2-3 days in a week, he can go to a nursery & spend time around other kids his age & you will be able to bring some more money in. Places like doctors surgeries & schools are good to look at as they tend to employ people part time, councils are also good as they consider job sharing & some even have a creche so your son wouldn't be too far away from you.

Try not to worry too much about it, if you look hard enough you will find something that suits you. As long as you are able to pay your mortgage or rent, bills & can afford to buy food you will be ok. Don't worry about the so-called luxuries of holidays etc, your baby is too little to be concerned about these things yet!

Good luck.

Answer 2

I think it sounds like you did your best at the time. I'm lucky to have a job that has shifts that are 24hrs a day so I do 2nights at the weekends when my partner is at home to look after the children. My baby is 19mths now, I went back to work when he was 6 months old and I couldn't cope with not being with him and also the nursery weren't doing things the way I told them to so I was missing my baby and worried at how he was being looked after.

You have my sympathy, I believe that a mother doesn't love a baby as much as their own. Your baby is the more important at the moment than having a holiday, a night out or any special treats. Only get what you need, luxuries can wait at this early moment. Do you live in the UK? Family Tax Credit helped me out a great deal, ask the benefits agency if you are missing out on anything.

I am quite skint at the moment too, I have all the opportunities to work full time but I am going to wait till my baby is 2 before I decide whether I feel ready to let him go to nursery full time, hopefully by then he will be able to talk more and tell the staff he wants his juice or needs the toilet. Needing the extra cash is not as important as watching my son learning all these new things and dancing to songs he likes and calling for me when he wants something.

Just hang on in there, even if you try find a small part time evening job when your partner is home like what I have done.

Good luck

Answer 3

This is something only you and your dp can decide. Both sides have pros and cons. If you go back to work, you'll have extra childcare, less time with your child, etc. If you stay home, you have money worries and stress.

To me it's not the amount of time you spend with your baby it's the QUALITY. You can stay home all day long, but be logged onto the computer all day with Junior beside you and not paying attention to him.... to me that's not spending time with him. OR you could work and when you come home spend all your time playing, laughing, smiling... spending quality time. I think those are the moments the children look for the most.

There are some out of work Daddies that stay home and drink all of the time, does that mean that it's better for the child... not necessarily... there are some workers who make six figures and can buy everything the child will ever want, but spends little to no time with them.... does that mean it's better for the child.... not necessarily. Just remember it doesn't matter the amount of time you are physically in the presence of your child.... it's the quality of the time you do spend.

But in the end the decision is totally up to you and your family. Good luck!

Answer 4

I have been both a working mom and a stay at home mom. As such I can say honestly that you can be a good mom either way. I understand financal hardship as well, I have had the same daycare problem in the past. Feeling guilty is part of being a mom. I feel guilty leaving my kids with other people, and I also feel guilty when I enjoy my job!

If it is feasible for you to work (meaning that after day care costs you still have something left to pay bills with) then you probably should be working, at least for the time being. You also need to be making a long term plan for your finances. You can't live on per-hour pay for the rest of your life. Many states will subsidize day care costs if you attend an education program. That may be a good option for you. The more education you have, the more money you can make, and that leaves you open to having more time with your family.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

Answer 5

I had a simalar dilima and I ended up staying home up until 18 months and then my husband and me realized I needed to help out. I dont regret my decision and when I have to do it again I will. I think babies need momies at least 1 year. By the time my son was 18 months I was ready to go back to work and he is a really social person and he was ready for day care. Actually going back to work has helped all of us but I dont think I would do it differently. Life is short and the money sacrifice is better then the time. Especially if you dont have someone who is close to you who you can trust. As your child gets older(depending on where you live) you can find more affordable child care. I wish you the best of luck with your choice.
Dreac

Answer 6

Well in general i believe it's down to the woman to decide what she would prefer to do. There's no reason for me to judge. In your case perhaps it is best for you to stay home and care for your baby because it seems like there is not much else you can do. Where do you live because in the uk you might be able to get benefits to help you if the money your husband makes is not enough.

Maybe stay at home until your child is old enough to go to school or something then you can start to work part time or something.

Good luck.

Answer 7

I've done both as my children are 10 years apart. My kids did OK either way, but I enjoyed parenting and my children a lot more when I stayed home. I missed my son's first word, his first step, and just generally missed out.
When you add up the expenses of both parents working outside the home, the second paycheck often disappears. You have clothing, transportation, childcare, which everyone expects, but you also have higher food costs (more prepared foods and more eating out), higher medical costs (all that sub-standard food, plus the illnesses the child catches at daycare) and general stress on the family which leads to more medical costs.
Maybe you could take a part time job as a compromise..

Answer 8

Hi there, you have asked a very good question that women have been debating for years and years..

Firstly congrats on your lovely baby. Its great to watch them grow up. I did a bit of both. Working and staying at home with the children.

I think you have to make a decision on two counts. 1st being, leaving your baby to work. 2nd being, so short of money and staying at home.

You sound as though you are feeling guilty doing both. I was always short of money when at home.. my ex was a low paid worker and we managed. Gave the kids a fantastic childhood. I worked when my youngest got to 5.. felt really guilty and hated that feeling of leaving her. Shift work.. nursing home etc. Hard going but money was better.

I would say if your partner is happy working and you are both happy with your life and baby all together.. then don't feel guilty you are doing the best right now.

When baby is older.. a young child and goes to school think of working then. Till then enjoy being at home. You are being a good Mum and partner.

All the best to you.. sorry have gone on a bit.
Smile :-)

Answer 9

I have an 11-month-old, am 5-months-pregnant and I'm a stay-at-home mom. My husband works two jobs. We don't spend money on things that we don't need and when we do spend extra money, we make sure we have all of our bills paid. It will be a while before I can finish college (I have two years left) and be able to help my husband out and be able to save. If I got a job, most of it would go to daycare, anyway, and there's no guarantee what days I would be off of work to see my son. I would not have my situation any other way.

Answer 10

Really it just depends on the situation. There are lots of things you can do to help bring in extra money, If you have any talent for making things you can sell at the flee market, or if like my husband you know how to fix computers. But you could also work the oppisite shift of your partner, or work at a retail place on saturdays and sundays. Why is your home not suitable for babysitting? not even just one extra baby? It is a good way to earn a little extra cash.
I would love to be able to tell you that you shouldnt feel guilty for staying at home with your baby. After all it is hard work rasing a child. However that is only something that you are going to be able to tell yourself.