He has 2 DUI's already. I love him and I though Ican forgive him for sleeping with someone else. But I can't! All he does is lie to me. He hides his bear bottles in back backs and under his bed. He begged me to forgive him for his betrayal but then asked me for money.(I always paid for everything and lent him money in the past and he never paid me back. He would never even give me my change back when he picked up carry out) I did say NO this time and he proceeded to tell me that he did not feel bad for what he did and that I deserved it(the cheating) So I guess my question is How do I walk away and not feel bad. I thought I could help him but I now realize I just was an enabler. My heart is breaking on many levels I need to move on and walk away I just dont know how. It hurts too much to know that I probably meant nothing to him for 4 yrs and I was probably just being used. I dont want to believe that. I would do anything for my friends and the people in my life.
2007-08-08 08:35:57 · 26 answers · asked by sarashair 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
You feel bad?? Gosh Girl, you should be the happiest person on earth finally getting away from this situation.
Yes, you lost 4 years, but learn from your mistake and move on.
2007-08-08 08:40:39 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I dated someone like this.
You can easily walk away and not feel bad if you only concentrate on the crappy things he did to you and how inconsiderate he is. He is also extremely selfish and cares more about his wants and needs than yours. It's obvious. You know it. So be smart and take some pride in yourself. You deserve someone that will value you and your time. He's not it. He's not anything. He's just a waste of space. Don't even worry about how he is going to be. I doubt you meant nothing to him in that amount of time, but the bottom line is you weren't on his top priority list and you deserve to be. You are a sweet girl and you are smart and you can do better - and will do better. I mean, come on - it can't be hard to top what you just went through - can it? Nope.
So let him sit in the scum he calls his life and pull yourself out of this hot mess. He's only dragging you down. You have so much to give and there is someone that will appreciate that. In fact, I am sure there are lots of guys that would appreciate that.
Just be smart about all this in the future though - look for signs and don't become an enabler "just because you care". You see where that got you, right?
Best of luck. I lived through this and a couple years later - I am with someone who is absolutely fantastic. If someone told me my life would be like this then - I would have left much sooner and not looked back.
2007-08-08 08:48:20 · answer #2 · answered by Challah back Girl... 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"He proceeded to tell me that he did not feel bad for what he did and that I deserved it (the cheating)." This statement alone should be enough fuel for the fire. But love has a tendency to overwhelm our anger. You have given this man fours years of your life. You have supported him, forgiven him and loved regardless. He's done what for you?? I already know he's lied and cheated on you. So what does he have to do to get you to leave?? Even though we love, we should still have boundries. Has he even come close to over stepping them? It seems you might be a glutton for punishment or you're just too good of a person in which most people get over on you. Why should you feel bad for leaving this man when he gave you no other choice. I think you would feel worse by staying with him and learning in another 4 years he's cheated again. Would you feel sorry for him if he killed a child while driving drunk? You cannot condone his behavoir or else you are no better then him. You sound like a smart and responsible woman which deserves the same out of her man. So why sell yourself short? It took me awhile to learn that sometimes love just ain't enough. It's so sad too, because you feel that if he could change things would be perfect. Unfortunately though, he won't change, but you will. And that change won't make you a better person but rather a bitter person. Our life is of our own making. You can choose to endure this pain for another 10 years and it will only hurt that much worse. Or you can end it now while only having given him 4 years of your life. You tried to make it work out, but he couldn't love you like you needed. So now you must love yourself and take care of yourself. Even me, a complete stranger knows you deserve better. So why don't you? One last thing I wanna say is that we as people teach others how to treat us. If we let them walk all over us they will. If we put our foot down, they will change as you have given them no other choice. That's if they want to be apart of your life. I wish you the best! Good Luck & God Bless!
2007-08-08 09:10:18 · answer #3 · answered by redmoondown 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
GET OUT
You ARE an enabler.
Find a CoDA meeting - get your life in order. You need to love yourself and take care of YOU.
He probably did care about you on some level - but it isn't good for him to have someone like you around either. He won't ever take responsibility for his own actions if you are there to smooth things over.
You deserve better - even if you don't feel like it right now, you do. You need to take some time and take care of yourself - but get yourself out of this bad relationship. Give yourself some time to heal.
Please, please, please - try to believe that you are worth more! You can be happy again. You deserve it.
Treasure yourself. Treat yourself half as well as you tried to treat him, even though he didn't deserve it and didn't appreciate you.
Yes, it hurts and is scary to be alone - but you need to become your own best friend again.
Best of luck.
2007-08-08 08:46:35 · answer #4 · answered by tigglys 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie I'm so sorry you are hurting. I know it's very hard. When you love someone you want to help them but when someone is a alcohol, drug or any other kind of addict its impossible. You nor anyone else can help him, he has to want to help himself.
Most addicts will not admit they have a problem, they live in denial, they do not take responsibility for their actions and they shift the blame on others for their behavior.
I know from experience it is very hard to love someone you later find out is an addict and you have no choice but to stay and feel miserable, helpless and hurt or leave and have to deal with the pain. Get counseling if you feel it would help you to cope with what you have and are going through, pray, surround yourself with friends and family who will support, listen and talk to you. I know it may seem it will not get any better but I promise you...it will. You need time to heal from what you have been through and you will grow from that relationship. Everything happens for a reason. There are no mistakes. We all go through what we need to go through to learn. Turn, pray and trust in God. He has a plan for you and in time you will see he also has the right guy for you who will be healthy, truly love and not hurt you.
I will be praying for you. :)
2007-08-08 08:53:58 · answer #5 · answered by maryv2013 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Girl get on with your life. Look around you I'm sure you've seen someone else that looked interesting.. When you have been lied to and betrayed, it makes it easier to hate them
for using you and wasting your time on someone that doesn't
even respect himself. And then tells you he doesn't feel bad for having done is like slapping you in the face. In marriage
it's call adultary, they divorce everyday for it. Look for another
that's been looking at you all the time. Probably right in front
of your nose. GO GIRL get a new life.
2007-08-08 08:45:55 · answer #6 · answered by kittycat 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Alcoholism evenutally tears a relationship. It won't mend until the person gets help and proves to the others he hurt that he is no longer hooked. He needs to attend rehab and then prove to you for a straight 6 months that he no longer uses and lies. Put him through a testing period; show some tough love. He's been showing you a tough life.
2007-08-08 08:47:53 · answer #7 · answered by anaise 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your a sweet heart and even though it hurts, you gotta understand that he loves the booze more than you. Offer him help or leave. Period. I have lived it and know it will never get better. Even though you are trying to help, you are making it worse. My husband went to rehab and hasn't drank in 10 years. Unlimatums do work if you lay it out. If he leaves, just accept it and move on. Its a spiral that will suck you down with it. You stand to lose more than you realise, if children are involved, they can be taken away, and if he hurts someone while drinking you could lose your house, cars or life. Just go.
2007-08-08 08:43:21 · answer #8 · answered by spidermonkeyfingers 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
like you said sweetheart, you just have to remember that you were the "enabler". hold your head high and let him go. you have done all you can and now it's time to look out for yourself for a change. he must have loved you at some point and you must have loved him but times and people change and you need to change as well. not to mention the cheating and then him saying you deserved it. cheating is one thing and he is lucky you could forgive that but to then rub your face in it and blame you for him being such a pig is not excusable. find someone who deserves you and all the best!
2007-08-08 08:42:50 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
He sounds like an alcoholic. If he doesn't get help he'll continue on doing what he did. I doubt you meant nothing for 4 years. He's so caught up in his disease that the only thing that matters to him is himself. He needs to get help and realize that alcohol is killing him. Most alcoholics are liars,cheaters, and thieves. He will continue down his path if something doesn't change,
2007-08-08 08:48:53 · answer #10 · answered by Richard h 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋