When I was divorced several years ago my parents let me move into an apartment they had available at the time.

Question

After some time, my parents remodeled the apartment until it became a three bedroom home. I was working but as a single mom with 2 kids I could only contribute so much money into the project but I worked every night and weekend with the remodeling. I paid all utilities, etc. It was told to me from the start that when they died, the house would go to me and my kids but I would not get anything else in the will. I have done all upkeep on the house through the years. Now my dad is telling me what I can and can not do here plus what he wants redone (including ceilings and floors). I have been told that there can be no pets and he tells me who can or can't visit. They are also wanting me to buy this house from them now to pay off a loan they co-signed for. If I talk about moving, they threaten to take me to court to get my son. They claim that since they buy things for him they raised him. How do I leave and still keep a relationship with them? I love them but they are controlling.

Need to add, the loan was NOT for me, it was for another family member who has no contact with them now that they are paying off the loan. Plus, if I move, they have told me they will sell the house and write me and the kids out of the will completely. It just seems like the older they get (both in their mid 60's) the more they try to control everything that my kids or I do. My sisters only come around during holidays or when they want something so I am the only one that has always been there when they needed something. While I could not pay for all the work done in the beginning, I have made it a point to help with spring cleaning, their yard work, taking mom where she needed to go if she didn't feel like driving, etc. I pick up extra groceries to send out to them because my kids would be over at their house. I don't know why they are acting like this now.

To answer the question - no drugs or alcohol involved on either side.

I have been a good parent. I have managed to provide for my kids and my parents never had to babysit. I paid for daycare when they were younger. They would sometimes watch them to give me a break in the cost of daycare but not very often. I made sure the kids were in school, both getting A's & B's and on the honor roll. They have always have their check-ups, shots, etc. The house is clean - has to be because my daughter has asthma and allergies so I have to dust, sweep, & mop every day to keep her health problems under control.

There is something I left out. We have a cat and dog. They are well behaved. Instead of saying no pets after something happens to these ones, dad has said to get rid of them. I can not do that to my kids. We do not live in a city or even a small town. This is country living - plenty of room for animals to run and play. The cat is litter box trained and that is kept on the back porch area. This keeps it out of the flower bed. The dog is on a running chain but is untied every day but does not go over to their home unless they call for him. Plus, this is not a normal rental because I do not pay rent. I even pay the taxes on this home for them and their homeowners insurance. I carry my own "renters" insurance for my personal property. But if the place were to burn, they would get the money from the homeowners. Not me. I am not allowed to take my washer or dishwasher when I leave because they supplied the first ones but I had to replace them when they tore up.

Answer 1

Oooh! Good luck with this one. It is difficult when it involves your parents who you care about and want to keep a relationship with. However, it sounds like they are becoming a bit controlling. Just bide your time until you can save up enough to get an apartment or townhouse (then someone else can do all the maintenance!).

Most lawyers will give a free consult. I would find a family lawyer and discuss the issue of custody of your son. I do not believe they have any rights to your son. It sounds like a control tactic to keep you there under their wings.

Answer 2

Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Well now you can't unscramble the scrambled eggs how do you move forward? Henry Ford's quotes says is best. Whether you think you can or you can't either way you are right. If you can't work it out then I guess you can't. If you think you can then you can. A big reasons marriages fail is because of lack of communication. You really need to sit down and talk or even write a letter to her. Tell her everything that is bothering you. What is the main reason? you don't have anything in common? you don't get to teach the kids? Discuss each one. Don't bring up divorce in the first conversation or it will go nowhere. Good luck.

Answer 3

You can't make them change in any way, shape or form. You just can't. That's the way people work. The only person you can control and change is yourself.

Now you can exert influence over someone, like your parents are trying to do to you. But unless you *choose* to give in to that pressure, they can't *make* you do anything.

So it's totally up to you. You can choose to live like this or you can choose not to. It would be a lot easier to choose to live in the same house/apartment and keep taking care of what you have been and following your parents rules. It's always easy to follow the status quo.

If you don't want to do that any longer you have a lot of options. Like you can familiarize yourself with Tenant/Landlord laws in your state. They vary so you need to know what applies in your area. Now some of what you said your parents ask for the house is legally within their rights (no pets) but some (who can visit) isn't. And some (paying for improvements) will depend on the state you live in and what kind of lease or agreement you have with your parents.

Another option is to just move out. As long as you're even just an adequate mother there is no way that you'll loose custody of your child. Now the writing you out of their will, you'll have to decide if you want to take that chance.

It's your life, now start living it the way you think is best.

Answer 4

It sounds like you need a to talk to them in a calm moment and get things down on paper. Tell them its so you know exactly where you stand, don't imply that you don't trust them anymore. If they act all angry and insulted you will know you were right not to trust them. If you are now self sufficient and they won't write a will or cut you some slack, then its time to go out on your own. They don't stand a chance in hell of taking your son because they bought things for him. If that were true my grandkids would all be living with me. And most other grandparents too. We all buy things for our grands. Frankly you move and you still see them, that's all you have to do. Find a place, say good-bye, live your life, and be nice when you tell your parents that you feel its time to have your own life, but you appreciate the breathing space they were able to give you. That's a polite and respectful thing to say.
If there are things you haven't informed us of, like drug or alcohol involvement, you may have a problem, if its nothing like that, just go.

Answer 5

I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. It sounds so similar to the situation my daughter is in with my first husband (her father). They are stepping on your consitutional rights to have the freedom to pursue happiness (that being a dog and friends). It sounds like they are not respecting you as a person or mother. Take a good look at yourself and see what you think about you character b/c parents usually know pretty much about their own child. When you become dependent like you have then you give up certain rights and privileges if you continue to accept them. I'm sorry for you and my own personal best advice is to move if you can afford to. As long as you are in that place this will continue. Show them you can stand on your own two feet, build some character....life can get rough sometimes but that's how we learn and grow. They can't take your child away from you unless they can prove you unfit. Can they?

Answer 6

They are completely in the wrong.
They have NO claim to your son, it is only a manipulation tactic.
They may actually believe it though.
Sounds like they've turned you into some sort of a slave, or someone they can "tap" for assistance.
YOU are NOT responsible for their financial problems.
That's basically what I see here...they are trying to make you feel responsible for them.
Consider this: if at any time you feel confused about how you feel about something, it is a sure bet that someone is trying to manipulate you.
Look around.
They cannot buy ownership of a human being, laugh at that one. So they bought him stuff. What a bunch of trouble they are. I am SO sorry for you.

Answer 7

Have you keep anything from the time and money you have put into this house? If you have then tell them that it is your home and you can stop helping me with my son because if you are going to be this way then I don't want help with him I will do it myself! If they try to take you to court for anything then just tell them if they do take you to court for anything you are going to pull all the proof you have out and bring it to court with you to prove you have done with the house and the money you have put into it! Let them know that you love them and are not tring to hurt them but you can not let them hurt you and your kidds like they are tring to do! Let them know if they want you to move out then you will but they are not taking your kidds or kid from you! That is the best that I know to do I hope It helps and you and your parents can get through this and still be in a good relationship!

Answer 8

They threatened to take you to court to get your son - that's awful. From what you are saying, they would never be able to take your son away from you, but the fact they are threatening that is disgraceful. Maybe you feel you need their support in some form, but they are trying to control your life. You have to make a stand for yourself or you'll never be happy. At worst, you might loose your relationship with them, but if they are prepared to threaten you like that, are they really worth being in a relationship with...?

Sounds like you are having a bad time. Best of luck.

Answer 9

Wow, that sounds like a tough one, you really need to sit down and have a major heart to heart with them. If that doesn't work then you may have to risk the relationship and move, they can't take your son simply because they buy him things. (that doesn't mean they raised him it just means they spoil him, that's what grandparents do) They may be mad for awhile, but they will get over it. I hope things work out for you

Answer 10

You can just leave. If you have been a good parent no one can take your child away from you. Stand up for yourself. Let them take you to court. If they do. Once in court tell the judge the whole story.