could use some advice?

Question

I just had paternity done and I am suppose to find out soon if I am the father of a 1 1/2 year old girl that I didn't know about until last aug. I would like to get visitation rights so I can get to know her if she is proven to be my daughter but at the same time I don't want her to get scared of me cause she has never seen me and doesn't know who I am.
I could really use some of your opinions or advice

Answer 1

I think its great you want to know this little girl should she turn out to be your daughter! Every child deserves 2 parents whether they live together or not.
I think you should take it slow at first. See if mum will agree to meet at a park and spend a few saturdays getting to know her. If she responds well, step it up a notch to spending time at the park without mummy for an hour. Then you pick her up and take her somewhere, then its overnight visits as she is older and better able to cope.
If you can help her make the adjustment over a 4-6mth period, by the time she is 2 she should be ready and willing to stay with her daddy without her mummy around.
Her mum needs to help in this transition phase though because if she is being hostile towards you then it won't work and daughter will pick up on it and not want to be around you.
Don't insist on just finding out shes yours and then demanding that every weekend she spend with you. She needs stability and a transition phase so she doesn't feel scared but rather secure, safe and loved. It might be hard at first and but if you explain to the mother this sort of scenario I think she would agree as you are putting in time and effort to get to know her before spending time/nights alone with her. The mother is also going to feel that her daughter is in a safe and secure place with you. Trust is going to be a major hurdle but I'm sure you'll do fine!

Good luck and well done for making the decision to be a part of her life

Answer 2

I guess I have a bit different opinion than everyone else. If I were you I would wait until paternity was established before I began to spend time with her. The ONLY reason I say this is because it wouldn't be fair for this little girl to become attached to you, in the case that you are proven to not be the father. Unless for some reason you plan on, being part of her life wether you her father or not (I guess I'm assuming most ppl wouldn't) then of course you could start the whole visitaion thing now. Well for her sake I hope she's your child b/c you sound like a caring person. Good Luck!

Answer 3

Personally i would wait until the paternity test comes back and then if it proves that you are the father then you can start making plans to see the child. Paternity tests are pretty accurate so you will have no doubts unless the percentage is under 70%. Chances are that if you are the father that you will be required to pay maintenence please do as this will increase your chances of visiting rights. if and when you have visiting rights the advisable thing would be to have her accompanied by her mom ( if you are not on friendly terms her grandmother or someone else that she is used to and comfortable with) this way she will find it easier to interact with you and willnot be so intimidated. Saying all this you need to take things one step at a time. Please make sure you intend to stay a part of her life as there is nothing more traumatising to child then getting to know a parent who comes into their life only to find that they dissapear for long periods at a time or forever. Make your visits consitant and work with her mother remembering that she has custody right now and that if you dont play your cards right she can make things very difficuilt for you if things are not done on her terms or if you try to dominate the situation.

Answer 4

Well, if you are committed to being her dad, not just the father then go slow, be friendly, don't ask for physical affection, like hugs and kisses, tell her you love her and be kind. She will warm up. IF you are not really sure, then wait before you plunge in, and are sure, the mother will never let her forget how you dumped "them" if you go at it half hearted and then leave later. Rest assured I have seen many women "ruin" their kids over bitterness towards men, even if they were the ones who "trapped" the guy. It happens. I truly hope you are involved forever with your child. My mom ditched me and I had sitters and a dad. Kind of the other way around, but my dad never trashed my mom. He might not have respected her, but he did respect me enough not to talk crap on her because he knew that eventually, we (the kids) feel somehow responsible that they don't love us, which is untrue, facts are they usually don't love themselves...I know that is not you or you wouldn't be asking how to befriend your child.

Answer 5

I would start out with supervised-type short visitations. Where there is someone there she knows. After a little while, she'll get to know you more and then will be able to start taking her by yourself, just be careful with her staying overnight, she might get scared, so I would advise day trips for awhile, until she really knows you. It sounds like a long process, but you also don't want her to get scared and never want to come around you. Slow and steady should work fine and it's worth it. I wish you luck.

Answer 6

children don't take long to get used to a new person. It's a good thing if you get the opportunity to be a part of her life before she remembers you not in the picture. if she were 3 or 4, she might be confused as to why this new man that she's supposed to accept as daddy is in the picture. Just be friendly and bring a small toy and some toddler cookies which always works for kids.

Answer 7

Kids have a real short memory at that age. She will get use to you in no time. Is her mom being cooperative? My suggestion would be for her to bring the baby over and stay with you for an hour or so the first couple of times. That way, you are not a total stranger. Get an idea of what she has at home and have a few special toys she does not have at your house. That way when she comes over she will be your special girl with her special toys.

Answer 8

If she is yours now is the time to become a part of her life. She is young enough to bond with you and you still have a lot of important stuff to go through with her. She will never really even remember you not being there if you get into her life now. She may be scared of you at first because you are a stranger but over time after she gets to know you and you show her she can trust you she will start to bond with you.

Answer 9

First of get a LAWYER i know because I LEARNED hard way,..,don't do normal agreement because in END u or he/she wants to run off with the kid like a pawn...Is like this tell ur so-called kid that ur her father and u want to be part of her live..kids now and days like me are bastard kids k..so she/he would be so HAPPY to have a COOL DAD..and tell there friends hey this is my DAD,,glad ur responible about being a man and taking care of ur kid..Is hard but is ur blood how can u tell someone who is YOU...that ur scared U should BE PROUD..have good luck with the mother too since they cause the drama.,.my ex was the one that caused me drama and took my kid from school and i did not see her for like ONE WEEK..ok so get a LAWYER no matter what..because words could back stab you in long run,,specaility if person has hate against you...Believe me u don't want your kid to disappear after all ur hard work okay..good luck being a father I wish my kid has a NORMAL dad not INSANE one lol..oh yeah I still had to share my daughter even after he took her damm law,,

Answer 10

Hey... wow this is a big deal.. right now you should probably just arrange to meet this little girl, that way its not a sudden thing for either of you. The fact that she is so young really won't take that long for her to get used to you.. Whatever you do, if she turns out to be yours, don't slack on this committment of being in her life.

Good luck and I hope things work out in a positive way..