How to handle baby's death?

Question

My brother and sister in law had their first child prematurely at 24 weeks. They named her Anabelle Grace, and she was absolutely gorgeous. However, she only weighed 11oz, and passed away after 3 rough days (last Friday). Of course im sad about it, because it was my neice, but thats not what im asking about. Im wondering how i face my bro and sil. I dont want to smother them, but dont want them to feel isolated either. I feel so akward around them because i dont know if i should talk about her, or try to keep their minds off of her. What do i do?

Answer 1

You aren't going to keep their minds off their baby. Be there if they want to talk; if the subject comes up, talk about it. Don't try to avoid it; it will be the 800-pound gorilla in the room if you do. More than anything, let them talk, let them grieve, let them cry, let them mourn. Time will do the rest.

Answer 2

The worse thing about loosing someone you love is that people stop talking about them for fear that it will be upsetting, The fact is we need to talk about the loss and especially when it involves a premature baby, where people think that because the parents spent only three short days with her that it should be less of a loss than say losing a 5 yr old. The truth is loosing a child is devastating regardless of the age. be sure and let them know how beautiful she was, that although you can't imagine their loss that you will be there for anything they may need. DO NOT say something like you can always try again , this was not a puppy that can be replaced. Validate their pain and yours too, it was your niece and he is your brother and this has got to be very painful to you also. Good luck and my prayers to you , your brother and his wife and your family. I'm sure Annabelle will be greatly missed.

Answer 3

In a simmilar experiance I lost my grandad a few months ago. He died suddenly. I couldnt contemplate loosing a young child and im not by any means trying to compare my experiance with you terrible one. When my grandad died i found it hard to cope. I still think of him all the time. I dont think you ever get over it or manage to handle it. I think the pain just eases with time. I have memories to hold on to and I feel sorry that you havent had the chance to experiance these. Time is a healer and i know right now it feels like the pain will never stop but i pormis eventually it gets weaker. As for you brother, be supportive and offer help but dont smother them. As his sister you will know in your heart how he reacts to trauma. Personaly I would give him some space bbut reasure him at the same time. As time goes on try and talk to him. Let him lead the convesations and if he asks you about it try to help him. Dont bring it up if he doesnt. If you need any more help add me on msn [e-mail]

Liam x

Answer 4

Tough situation. You want to make sure that you let them know your there for them. They'll want to talk about it when they are ready.

Give them a gift that memorializes their daughter. Something that they'll enjoy looking at or remind them of their love for her.

When my mom lost two boys, the thing she loved the most was a rose bush that was planted for one and a pine tree that was planted for the other.

If they aren't in a permanent place, then the Willow Tree statues are beautiful. There is one with a father, mother and a baby.

Though the pain is real and so near the surface, they'll appreciate the gesture, especially down the road!

Answer 5

i agree with the first answer ive never really gone through this b4 im really sorry about ur niece the first thing you can do is tell them that if they need anything you're there for them and try not to bring the subject up and keeping their minds off her in my opinion is bad even though they never really knew her they loved her and love is something that you cant forget espicially for a son/daughter i dont know if this really helped but atleat shes in a better place now god bless

Answer 6

The only thing I can think to tell you is wait and see if either one brings up the "incident" when they do then maybe you could talk to the about it. No guarantee about when that will be though, My brother and sister-in-law lost their 15 month old son to neuro-blastoma (a type of cancer) 7 years ago. They still wont talk about it to anyone.

Answer 7

Jessie,

Are you local? Like, can you go visit them or are you limited to phone contact?

If you local drop by and clean her house or cook a meal with her. She is hurting and trying to heal but your definitely right to not smother her. Trust in God and her to make it the right time when to talk and when to just be around but also allow your instinct to tell you when to let her be.

Start by just giving her a hug.

Answer 8

Don't mention the death of the infant until it comes up. Keep close contact with them and be there for them when they need you. Crying spells out of nowhere when with them are normal and to be expected, stay strong for them, although it must be hard since you are mourning as well with them. If you contact them and they seem as though they don't want to be bothered, do not be offended and give them their space. I hope this information helps and I am deeply saddened to hear of your loss. My condolences are with you, and good luck with your brother and sister in law

Answer 9

Just tell them if they need anything at all you will be there for them, and if they feel like talking about it to let you know. I would not keep bringing it up. Maybe take them out to lunch and talk about other things, try and keep their mind off of it, but also know when they are ready to talk about it you will be there!

Answer 10

I think the most important thing to let them know, either with or without words, is that whatever they are feeling or going through is a natural reaction, and they should not worry or try to deny or suppress it, but give themselves all the time and space they need. They are going to have bad days and good days, and you want to be there for them no matter what they need at any time. Please read about the 5 stages of grief, which can occur in any order and last for different amounts of time because everyone is different. There is anger and depression, denial and resolution. People cannot push themselves to seek closure, and have to let go in their own way; but a lot of people fight themselves because they are afraid of the ups and downs, or think it is taking too long.

Everyone has different timing and way of accepting spiritual cycles of life, birth and death. I have seen shows where people dressed a stillborn baby and went through all the motions of holding and cradling and connecting with their child before going through the funeral and burial process, so they could have full closure and acknowledge the baby's life and soul and passing as a child.

It helps me personally to know of mothers who felt that the souls of their children either came back through them later or were born through other mothers instead. Giving someone the freedom to work through this their way, without judgment pressure expectation or condition is the best support you can give someone.

It also helps some couples to have scrapbooks of pictures so they can remember their baby in a precious loving way as a gift. It hurts us to judge these things by our perception of "time." So short lives tend to challenge our thinking and force us to let go of these perceptions. Love between souls is an eternal good thing, regardless of material life; so we cannot allow physical changes or losses to diminish the love we have for our children which surpasses earthly existence.

If you read "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" the Rabbi makes an analogy with the different lengths of thread in a tapestry, that make a special design even though some are longer and some are shorter, so he compares that to lives that come and go in a pattern we don't always know or see. He opens the book with a Bible quote about not being able to bring the child back. When the couple is able to accept their baby is gone, they can more fully heal and connect on a spiritual level that goes beyond the physical life. But everyone gets to that point at a different time and in a different way.

The best thing I can recommend is that it is okay to experience denial, anger, grief, or other mixed emotions, up and down, even if they are not consistent. The emotions and spirit have to go through those stages in the process of healing and letting go. So it is most important not to worry or stress out over what form the process takes, not to judge or add any more conditions to what is already going on. As each thought, fear, regret or negative feeling comes up, it is important to let that be expressed and try to forgive so it can release.

Prayers and unconditional support, being there to help them take care of things on bad days when they are in a daze or cannot function, and letting them know that's okay, it's natural to go through that, and you support them no matter what in their healing, I think that helps people to relax and let go instead of bottling it in and trying to force themselves to change before they are ready.

If you are unsure where to start, I would write a card and let them know whatever they need, you would love to help and don't be afraid to ask. Calling to check on them and to ask are there any errands or chores you can do today to help, so they can relax and focus on healing and not stress out.