I feel complex, please help me with advice?!?

Question

This is really hard to try to make this short. I'll try. My parents are married, and I believe that we can all be a happy family. My mom is really unhappy because she doesn't feel any love in her relationship with my father. They just don't have a healthy relationship. I want everything to be okay.

I want my parents to be happy, and I'm afraid of divorce. I worry that if that ever happens, how my parents will be by theirself. My dad drinks a lot but he's wonderful when he's not drinking. I love my parents too much to see them apart, and they love us too much. I can never choose between them. If I had to live with my mom, I'd worry if my dad's okay. He'll have no one without my brother and I. My mom will be so mad if I choose to live with my dad.
I just don't know. I'm living everyday worrying, and I'm just hoping that they will stay together, and be happy. I want them to work things out. See, I'm writing this really jumbled up because I don't know how to explain. Complex. Try?

Answer 1

My parents are separated, but they divorced when I was months old, so I never really had a choice. Although when I got older my father said he was going to fight for custody and try to get my brother and myself. So I had a little battle myself....but sweetie...you shouldn't have to worry about all this. And you shouldn't ask your parents to stay to together for the sake of you not having to choose. If you're that close to your parents...let them know this. If you father does have a really bad problem....get him help. You shouldn't have to worry about his drinking problem. After my grandma passed away, my family had to force my grandpa into rehab for his drinking habits, but he got help and he is happier. If you're old enough to be writing on here, you're old enough to slit your time between them. You're probably out with your friend a lot now at this age now anyway. Try to support their decision....and TRY to let them know exactly how you feel. Your father might just take it seriously that you worry about him and he might get help. If you're scared me might get mad and hurt you, then you need to call someone because that is serious. Give them a chance. Talk to them.

Answer 2

Whew! This is tough. Ok, let's try. First I think you have to really know why they don't feel the same way they used to with each other, I'm sure there is a problem somwhere. This will help you understand the situation or the problems itself which may further help you find a better solution on how to solve it. As a family, even if they tell you that it's mom & dad problem, you should be involved in solving the problem. Hard as it may seem, telling them how you feel about the current situation may get them to talk with each other, at least for your sake. Like you say they love you too much, and if they really do they will try hard to work things out for you and your brother. Some married couples may lose the loving feeling they used to feel, but they promised to be together for better or worst. One thing that they can do is be the best of friends and work things out. It's how couples start even before being married, being friends and knowing each other. You'll find a way. Good luck!

Answer 3

This is an extremely tough one to answer for you, because I know you're feeling strongly about it. So here are some of my thoughts.

1. I think you should casually bring up your discomfort of your dads drinking to your dad. Your his daughter so he'll respect your concern, but just be flat out w/ him "I don't like it when you drink excessively and I'd like to you tone it down a little." It may not be the most pleasant conversation in the world, but it's one you should have with him.

2. Just spend more time as a family, ask them to play board games, go to the movies, out to dinner. Not on a regular basis, but a couple times every 2-3 months.

3. Idk if either of them have a b-day coming up, but if they do then you could get them a gift certificate to a nice resturant, spa, or something for two, so that they can have a date together, generally a much needed date goes a long way.

4. As a last resort, I would sit down and talk to them and flat out tell them of your concern. It might help them realize that they haven't had a healthy relationship and that they need to work on it.

Unfortunately, my parents divorced when I was 2, so I never really had a mom and dad whenever I needed one. I have step-parents now who I care about a lot, but it's definately diff. than having just a mom and dad. Anyways, I hope I helped some.

Answer 4

First, and most important, there is nothing that you did, or can do to break your parents apart, or bring them back together. I know it hurts, I know you don't want to have to choose, but it's not your fault. It never was your fault, and never will be your fault.

What you can try doing is sit both your mom and dad down, and tell them what you are worried about. Just you telling them that you are scared might be enough to get them to go to counseling, and perhaps even an AA meeting for your dad.

If that doesn't work, do not blame yourself, and do not let your parents try to make you choose between them. You still love both of them, and they need to realize this. Far too many divorced couples forget about the pain they are putting their children through.

I'm really sorry about this. I hope your parents can work through their differences and stay together. Good luck.

Answer 5

You can worry all you want, Although is worrying going to make your day better? Is worrying going to make you feel better or worse? Is worrying going to make anything change?
I think us humans really get so worked up on trying to change things about ourselves and others, that we forget to take care of ourselves, which leaves are worries to control our life and create unhappy lives. I think a huge problem with humans is that we don't accept anything for selfish reasons and or because we restrict our human nature because we are taught to believe by organization, groups and society otherwise. This seems to only leave us to cause chaos in our life..why?
Try not to be selfish, I do understand that "you" want your parents to stay together, HOWEVER things don't always work to accommodate our individual needs for "our-self" reasons. Please try remember that this is there relationship and if there not happy together then why be together? Also, what if you were in a relationship and you just weren't happy anymore and all you wanted and want for your life is to be happy with or without anyone?

Answer 6

No matter what's age, your parent decide to separate or file a divorce,the pain and hurt is straight in the heart,I understand.Wanting your parents happy together,is a natural emotion, its not your fault and your parent issues,and marital problem have nothing to do with you and maybe ur parents happiness is important,because whether married or not,raising kids and mom and dad not getting along breaks down.When your a mother the last thing you want your children to see is sadness,her crying in abusive home.you and your siblings,will have a better home life and relationship with your parents in a more healthier,emotional and love way.if your mom and dad are happy then you will be happy too.

Answer 7

Ask them to see a marriage counselor. Who will probably advise your dad to stop drinking so much!
That might not be the best solution in the short run because if he does, he might be irritable and hard to live with. THAT is the complexity of your problem - there's no smooth way to fix a troubled marriage.
When you ask them to see a marriage counselor, mention the spectre of divorce and how much it troubles you. They should at least appreciate that yes, they may have problems, but the solutions affect everyone in the family!

Answer 8

Honestly why would you want your parents to stay together if they dont love each other.? Wouldnt you rather have your mom be with someone she loved and your dad be with someone he loved? You could still be a family you would be a happier family, understand, now its just unhappy and unhealthy thats probably why dad is drinkinking alot. you are being selfish and thinking of you and not them. there will be a da your family will be you and your husband and kids. your mom and dad have there life to live let them live it and butt out . support them in any way they choose. how old r u?

Answer 9

You say your dad drinks. There is a family program for families in AA. I think you need to talk to them about your feelings it might help. If there is nothing you can do to help then you must stop worring about the situation as there is nothing that a child can do if they won't listen to her/him. Life is going to happen and you can't stop it. What will be will be. The things that are upsetting to you today may turn out for the best and what you feared may not be your problem to bare. If you love your parents and they tell you that they need to divorce in order to be happy themselves then you must try to understand. Your loving them won't help them to love each other. If in life this happens to you then and only then will you understand all aspects of this situation.

Answer 10

What a wonderful young person you are to be so concerned about the happiness of your family. Your parents do seem to have a pretty serious problem, but I don't think it is one you can solve. I am surprised that at least one of them can not see what they are doing to their children. You definitely need counseling. Do you have an older person you can go to and tell exactly what you have written about your family situation? My heart goes out to you, but you must find someone you can talk to.