Invite or not to invite?

Question

I am debating whether or not to invite one of my old friends. She was my best friend from Kindergarten through most of high school. She was the one that introduced my now fiance and I. Our friendship has declined over the last few years as I don't agree with the people she hangs around with and the amount of alcohol she consumes. The last time I visited her she invited all of her drunken friends and got drunk herself and wanted to drive me home intoxicated. (She has gotten a DUI btw) I feel as if I have an obligation to invite her because of our past and the fact that she got my fiance and I together. My fiance, my parents and my bridesmaids are not too keen on her being there. If I do invite her I know she will be upset because of the fact that I didn't even make her a bridesmaid. I am afraid of her bringing one of her awful friends even I tell her that she can't. If I don't invite her at all then I will most likely lose her friendship. Thoughts and Opinions on this?

There will be alcohol at my wedding.

Answer 1

maybe you can be the one steady person in her life and you can help her get back on a good path. don't burn that bridge, invite her, sounds like she needs a good friend.

Answer 2

If this was intentional it was quite tacky to invite you to the shower w/o inviting you to the wedding. It would tick me off too if this happened to me! Too bad you already sent the gift. I would call the bride's mother to clarify or embarrass, whatever the case may be: "I was invited to the shower, but never received an invitation to the wedding. I'm wondering if perhaps my invitation was lost in the mail." And in some cases, it is. My parents are planning their anniversary party, and all the clergy at their synagogue received an invitation except the head rabbi. He wasn't sure whether he should say anything, but he spoke up. My parents are now investigating whether there was a mix up at the invitations store or the post office. At least one other person didn't receive their invitation either.

Answer 3

This is such a hard situation - I don't envy you at all. There is merit to every single one of the answers posted above.

I think I would invite her. But I think I would do it this way. I'd go to her house, just you and her, and have a face to face chat. Tell her that she's one of your oldest and dearest friends. Tell her that you struggled with whether to invite her because in the past, you've been really uncomfortable with how much she drinks -- but in the end, you felt like you could trust her to not overindulge that night. Then hand her the invitation. If she blows up and is offended, then it's out of your hands -- you did your best, and you treated her like an adult and a good friend.

If she shows up, pray real hard, and hope for the best. Don't seat her with people that find her annoying. In fact, seat her with some fairly boring people -- with any luck, she will be bored and want to leave and find a wilder party.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Your additional information answered your question.

She is not in control of herself. She's proven it at least a few times, getting a DUI, wanting to drive you home when she was drunk, etc.

I wouldn't invite her. You can't trust that she won't get loaded and be a disturbance.

I would say that if it were a relative or someone you are close to. You and this girl used to be friends, but are not anymore, and I definately wouldn't give her the opportunity to lose control of herself and ruin the wedding and reception for others you care about more.

She may have introduced you, but she had nothiing to do with the rest of the relationship. The relationship has grown thanks to you, your fiancee, and the people in your lives NOW.

Answer 5

That's funny - I have a VERY similar dilemma. I am going to invite my friend. I still care about her very much, and I know that she knows how to handle herself, and believe that she will be on her best behavior at the wedding. She knows many of the adults who will be there and will not risk embarrassing herself by acting a drunken fool in front of them. I do not want to hurt her by not inviting her, and I would feel terrible if I didn't. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she's going through a "phase", and she will one day wake up and decide it's time to grow up, and we can become close again. You don't see very many hippies walking around from the 70s, right? ;)

BTW - most wedding bartenders will cut a guest off they feel has had enough to drink - you won't be singling her out if you do ask the bartender to watch out for unruly guests.

Good luck with your decision - do what feels best to you. :)

Answer 6

Unless this is a small wedding and you are only inviting close friends and family, then of course I would invite her. She was a close friend for many many years. You said your friendship has declined but not that you aren't friends anymore. She had a vital role in your relationship. Of course I'd invite her. If I were her, I'd be devastated if a friend for 20 years, that I knew as well as I know myself, wouldn't invite me to a wedding! A wedding is a huge deal; it's not like just not inviting her to a barbecue or something.

Of Course you should invite her!!

Answer 7

Up to you, but I would invite her for old times sake and just hope for the best that she behaves herself. Maybe you could warn the bar to look out for her or get an family member to keep and eye on her.
If she is not invited at all, she will be more hurt when she finds out about it than she will be on not being asked to be a bridesmaid.

Answer 8

I think you shouldn't invite her. That way you wont have to risk anything at your wedding or reception. Plus if your fiance doesn't want here there, you don't want to give him a reason to be mad the day of the wedding.

Answer 9

I wouldn't invite her. You are going to have enough to worry about without stressing over the drama that she may or may not cause.

You are lucky, at least she is a friend and you can choose whether or not to invite her! I have to invite my future Mother in law! : )

Answer 10

It's up to you. It doesn't sound like it will be much of a lost friendship if you don't invite her. And it sounds like you will have a happier day without her being there.
If she asks why she wasn't invited simply say "you've changed so much, I didn't think you'd want to attend"

Answer 11

I think you should talk to her and tell her how you feel. If you invite her, should could ruin your day. If you don't, will you feel bad about it the rest of your life? What does she add to your life? That was then, this is now. You are different people and you are starting a new life.