How do you discipline a child who just won't listen to you (please read details)?

Question

Let's say a 2-4 yr. old child isn't misbehaving (i.e. - s/he isn't running around causing trouble or s/he isn't doing anything bad), but when you tell him/her to do something, such as "pick up the toys" or "go outside to the living room", they don't listen. What should a parent do about this?

Do you still use the "naughty spot" or "naughty chair" method?


*Additional details (optional read)

I don't believe in spanking because my parents used to physically "discipline" me, but when I got old enough to endure the physical punishment, I stopped listening to them. I don't want my kids to be the same way. I want my kids to respect me rather than to fear me.

Answer 1

I used the time out method with my son when he was that age. I remember two particular instances that I tried this with him. One time he threw his cheerios all over the living room floor. He was about 2 1/2 - 3 at the time. I told him a couple of times to pick them up and he wouldn't. I sat him in time out and told him he could get up when he decided to pick up his cheerios. He was still there an hour later! Another time he wouldn't pick up his toys after being asked a couple of times and I told him that if he didn't I would put them up and he wouldn't be able to play with them.. Did he pick them up? No, he went and put them in the closet for me!

While these strategies worked with my youngest, I could not put him in time out where he could still interact and see the rest of the family. He had to be sat in another room in order for the time out to be effective on him.

I didn't spank them because of the same reasons that you don't want to but they knew that I meant what I said. Each kid is different and what works for one will not necessarily work for another. My oldest is a "Why" kid and so was I. I have found that giving him a reason works best in getting him to do as I ask. He doesn't really care what it is as long as he knows why he is doing it. I have to use "because I said so" on my youngest. You know your child best and what will most be effective in getting your wishes/wants across to them. Sometimes you just have to do a little tweeking

Answer 2

Personally, if the child is slightly older, say over 3, I wouldn't use a time out if they aren't misbehaving (besides ignoring you).
What I would do firstly is give the child a choice. Example- "Little Johnny, either you can pick up your toys yourself, or I will pick them up for you. BUT, if I pick them up I will take them away, and you won't have them back (for x amount of time)". For going to another room, a similar choice.
Another option you can try is giving the child one warning, and telling them "if you do not do as I'm asking you, I will ignore you the next time you ask me for something". The next time they want your attention, ignore them initially, then remind them that they didn't listen to you, so you won't be giving them what they want. That won't work with all kids, but some are very precocious, and are able to understand it.
Time-outs are fine, but I would just use it once before switching to a different tactic. To me, a time-out is more for correcting an immediate behaviour, to remove the child from the situation and give them and you a chance to calm down.
The important thing to remember is that whatever you do, make sure it is consistent, and that the child understands and knows that you will not give in, you are the boss, and that ultimately you will decide what the child does, not th e child.
Good luck, hope this helps.

Answer 3

I have the same problem with both my husband and my 2 1/2 year old son. The only time either of them listens is when I scream. Not very fun for me and my husband has the same problem with our son never listening to him at all.

First problem - my husband is on the lazy side (as most men are, and they just pretend they are not listening because they don't want to do what is asked). Could definitely be same issue with your child. Second my son never listens to my husband because he knows my husband will never back what he says.

I have one rule -- I say what I mean, and I mean what I say.

Tell your child and I strongly urge you to emphasize TELL that he/she will not get whatever it is he/she wants until such and such is done. Get a clock either an egg timer or some other such thing and tell him/her they have until either egg timer goes off or the hand reaches the 5 and then choose an appropriate punishment. The toy will be thrown out (and if the timer has been reached throw it out). Back up your words don't just say them. Children need consistency and they need to know you will do what you say. You know your child and you know what his/her favorite toy is - make the punishment mean something and follow through all the time, not just when it suits your needs.

My kids know that when I say it's time to do something - then they had better do it. I do not play games.

I have one other rule - no matter how you spell it mom, dad, mother, father does not spell maid - pick up after yourself. This will teach self-responsibility otherwise by the time they are 10-15-20 or older you've got nothing but an irresponsible Paris Hilton wannabe on your hands.

Answer 4

Mr. Main Event - it's not that the child is not listening to you it's just that it takes young children longer than adults to switch gears. When you tell the child to DO something, get them started DOING IT.

When you tell the child to "pick up your toys" start helping them pick up the toys and show them where you want the toys to go. Then leave them to it.

When you tell the child "go to the living room," gently put your hands on them, turn them in that direction and give them a gentle push.

A lot of parents do not understand how children think and punish the child for their own (the parent's) lack of understanding.

Answer 5

I have a rule in my house. Any toy I have to pick up goes away. (Depending on my mood it reappears weeks to months later.) When they are missing their favorite toys, they start thinking about it.

My kids do still spend time in the corner, but not very often now. This works better for younger kids like yours.

I don't think you can get a child as young as yours to respect you because they are too young to understand the concept. The follow rules because of positive and negative results to certain behaviors.

Your children have to understand that you are the boss, not their equal. My one son was very easy, and rarely challenged us. However, his sister battles with my wife on a daily basis. She listens to me because she knows that she will regret it if she doesn't.

Teens don't stop listening when they lose their fear of physical punishment because of a lack of respect. They stop because they are teens, and are starting to learn that you are just another human. They believe that you don't know anything, and thus don't 'understand' them. They listen because you provide stuff that they want. I don't think they understand respect until they become parents themselves.

Discipline is very important. Many parents today want to be friends with their kids, not parents. This leads to out of control brats, and the current group of kids whose parents actually get involved in their adult children's college education and careers. Your job is to teach your kids that there are rules that must be followed. How you enforce these rules depends on the age of the child and their personality. Over time you have to revised your methods, but the principle remains.

Answer 6

I would make sure they heard and understood me, and let them know they had X amount of time to comply, or Y punishment would occur. And then I'd follow through.

For example, if she doesn't pick up her toys, they go on time out. I'd put them in a big bag, and she'd lose them for the rest of the day, or longer if appropriate. If she would not obey instructions, she might get sent to her room or lose a privelege for disobeying - just depends on the circumstance.

Answer 7

The key is to be firm and draw the line in the sand. She must be made to understand that YOU are the boss and YOU WILL be obeyed. The 1,2,3 Magic program works really well with children this age. You have to remember that kids this age don't just listen because you tell them to, they are constantly testing you and the boundaries. Kids this age listen because of instant consequences. They have to be made to know that If this happens, then this happens...and it happens EVERY TIME. http://www.parentmagic.com/ this program works great. good luck with it.

Answer 8

1] are you saying, " Jennifer, pick up your toys, please? "
Repeat it once, if necessary.
2] time out works for this age - they sit as many minutes as they are years old, then have to go back and fix whatever [ pick up toys, throw away trash, drink their juice.
3] after time out, go with her to pick up the toys - finish the job, with several timeouts if necessary. You have to be more stubborn than they are.
If toys don't get picked up for pre-schoolers, they get put up - high, where he/she can see them, but not play with them, for a week.
4] as they get older [ school age ] then you take away things - computer, playstation, TV, phone - whatever they like best.
5] as they get more social, ground them - including phone.
6] multiple infractions cause more severe discipline - house arrest - home, no outside contact, no electronics - TV, computer, playstation - they can read.
7] car license should be earned - minimum GPA [ our house is 3.0 ], acceptable social and family behavior including chores, and driving education. A ticket [ other than parking ] results in loss of keys/license.
8] anyone who lives inyour house has the responsibility to tell you where they are going, and with who. Start telling your children that now, so it's a family tradition.
My nephew [23], my son [22], and second son [18] still tell me, or face consequences.

Answer 9

Is this a case of tuning out the parent, or something else?

My 15yo has partial complex seziures that are not visible, other than the 'zoning out' and the not listening part.

Check with your peditrician to make sure there is nothign going on first, before you rule out the passive defiance :)

Answer 10

i'm the same way. but i have learned that if you spank them not hard. they will love and respect you more. if you let them do what they want they wont have respect for you. some times the time out chair does not work my kid just laughs at me and thinks its a joke.