Why are woman so hung up on the past, regarding divorce?

Question

I am in my mid 30's (so is my girlfriend) and her and her friends talk non stop about their divorce, what their ex's did to them, blah, blah. It isnt a matter of them wanting their ex's back, they just talk all the time about what went wrong and what he did wrong. It probably shouldnt drive me crazy but it does. I feel like it is a victim mentality but, they all want to share their stories. Then I have another group of friends that are girls and their previous marriages are rarely, if ever mentioned. That group is brighter, has more going on and is just more well rounded. So, ladies, if you will answer this honestly, is it just a victims mentality?

Answer 1

Cause everything NEW in their life -- is a dull repeat.

Like you.

You didn't offer that you were married, ever in the past.. so, I'm going to reflect on YOUR perspective as being immature. You don't know what you're talking about, and you're threatened by a group of women (or what you see, 'everywhere' and 'always', etc.) that are simply talking with each other. Women need other women, and in fact, should spend as much time with other women as adults, as possible. They give birth, they raise kids, they do A-Z -- what have you done? As a dad/parent/husband.. I see women talking and am not threatened because I know they're essentially right, no matter what the topic. They need support and to laugh at men. I'm sure you think the world of yourself -- which is why no women has been enough for you to allow her to be with you... and this one, either.

The fault in her, is that she talks too much about her ex-husband etc. etc. (it's you that needs to grow up).

Answer 2

I think women talk about ex's usually because they still have to deal with them because of the kids. Sometimes women have a hard time getting past the fact that their marriage failed and talking about the ex helps work something out inside them that they need to work out. You're correct that some women complain more about Ex's then others. I have found that the busier I am in my own life the less I tend to be interested in others especially my Ex's. :)I'm not sure I'd call it a victims mentality. honestly divorce sucks whether it a fresh one or a 10yr old divorce. Women tend to need to get it off their chests.

Answer 3

The difference between the two groups could be the types of relationships that were experienced. If the relationships were more traumatic aswell as the actual divorce this may give them more reason to talk about it, you are not one to judge that they are playing victim, sometimes people go through some terrible things in their lifes and the best thing they can do is talk about them so they dont build up inside and create depression.

Answer 4

Hmm..interesting question. I think that people are generally hung up on the past when a relationship ends badly or when they dont get closure.

The first group of women are probably still mentally involved with their ex husbands while the second group have realised that they have more going for them than a broken relationship.

Think carefully about the woman that you are involved with and speak to her about this. Do not let it build up to something bigger. Remember, she wont know until you tell her.

Answer 5

They may be in shock that they found themselves in that situation and feel they need to figure out why it happened. I did that for a while after my divorce. But then my mother gave me some good advice: You're just going to have to decide to get over it. Then I did.

My current husband (who is wonderful) talks more about his first marriage than I talk about mine. I think since he had children with his spouse and had to pay a hefty settlement and child support, it's more of an issue for him than it is for me (I didn't have any kids with the 1st spouse). But in general he tells more stories about his life than I do. I guess it has to do with if you're past-, present-, or future-focused. It's easy to get stuck in the past, but...

At some point people have to decide if they're going to be the victim of their lives or the hero.

Answer 6

It sure sounds like a vicitm's stance, or position. The mentality, however, reminds me of teenagers who continue to 'get off' on old gossip, stroking each other's egos in the process. Perhaps these ones in particular didn't recover from their wounds in an effective manner, and aren't really finding the closure necessary to put that part of their past behind themselves. For me, what's over is over, I have the future to look forward to and become engaged in.
It's immature to keep rehashing, rather than find the way to address whatever issues are there and recover from the loss and pain.

Answer 7

You see, you just answered you own question....the second group of women are more well rounded. They didnt make that one man the ONLY thing they had going on in their lives so when he left...yes the well rounded woman might have cried and obsssed for a few months or even a year...BUT they did other things.

Answer 8

Well, maybe the divorces happened more recently, and they're still angry/upset/hurt about it, and they're trying to get it off they're chests. Also, it could be that since your gf is talking about ex's and stuff with her friends in front of you, she's seeking reassurance, that you wont do those things, or she's trying to communicate what NOT to do that the ex's did. Try and talk to her about it, and tell her that you wont do those things. And keep that promise. Good luck!

Answer 9

I think you asked and answered your own question. It's the ladies with less going in their lives who you said have the issue. The more progressive women are too busy living for now and the future to concentrate on failures in the past.

Answer 10

I think the answer is in your question. Those who dwell on the past may have nothing much going on in the present. Those who don't dwell on the past are busy enjoying living their lives now. It's a shame anyone would waste their todays reliving the unpleasantness of yesterday.